Training Children: How to Mother More Patiently (Part 3)

Training Children How to Mother More Patiently

Almost every mom struggles with maintaining her patience while parenting, especially if she’s with her children all day. Whining, strife, or even a barrage of innocent questions, added to the list of things she must think about and get done, can be very distressing. Ask me how I know.

But not only is parenting without patience or having reactionary responses damaging over time, it also undermines our authority in the home.

Reading through the books I mentioned in part 2, 5 Keys to a Christian Home, I’m reminded of some important ways to counteract my tendency to react the wrong way.

  • Take my thoughts captive. Most of our behavior begins in the mind. I must keep my thoughts focused on my purpose as a mother–to nurture my children in the Lord. After my husband’s needs, they are my top priority.
  • Eliminate distractions. With our too-busy technologically charged atmosphere, it’s easy to get irritated at a little one who is “interrupting.” Certainly there are times we need to give our attention elsewhere and they must learn to wait, but if we’re snapping at a child because we’re trying to finish our facebook status, we need to realign our priorities.
  • Enforce obedience. Sound simple? I wish it were. Moms have the tedious job of balancing mercy and understanding with her not-there-yet children. Yet, she must enforce her authority in the home and teach them obedience by her responses instead of allowing them to argue and disobey unchecked. I believe this is the biggest source of irritation in most homes. I’ve noticed my tendency to grow impatient is worst when I fail to enforce the rules of our home, and instead try to “reason” with my children. When the rules are clear, as are the consequences for breaking them, we need to be diligent to follow through. Life gets so much easier when we do.

Example: I told my daughter her room needed to be swept (and it was really in need), but she replied that she had just swept it. I said it clearly needed to be swept again, regardless of when she last swept it and that if she had just swept it, she had not done a thorough job. She then “reasoned” that it didn’t matter because she didn’t spend much time in her room anyway. This conversation shouldn’t have gotten this far (and consequently, I became frustrated). I gave simple instructions: “sweep your room.” What followed was arguing and a temporary resistance to obey. A simple way to train this sort of response out is to apply a consequence at the first argument.

  • Make room for life. If our schedules are too busy, we will be tempted to stay in a state of rushing and consequently, irritation at every “problem.” Life with children is full of meeting needs and when we don’t make time for them, the needs feel like burdens. Motherhood is what God gives us time for.

And if you need more encouragement, there’s this: even though I wrote When Motherhood Feels Too Hard, I’m so thrilled to see how the Lord is consistently using it to change the hearts of mothers everywhere. Last week a woman bought 30 of them (with the bulk bundle discount) because she was so eager to share them with other women she knew.

This comment came yesterday:

“Your devotional has been a balm to my weary soul!! I cannot read it without tears and I cannot put it down! Every page brings an eternal perspective.” -Rainah

My deepest heart’s desire is to encourage you.

Part 1: Training Children: It Starts With Love (The Duties of Parents, J.C. Ryle)

Part 2: Training Children: 5 Keys to a Christian Home



Lilla Rose–Get a Great Deal AND a Free Flexi Clip!

Yay, Lilla Rose is having a SALE! For 12-hours only, you can save 25% off EVERYTHING! But hurry, it is only from 8 am -8 pm Pacific time, (11 am – 11 pm Eastern) Friday, January 23 only!

To make the deal even sweeter, independent consultant Paula Ramm is offering a special deal  for Generation Cedar readers only!  Get a FREE SURPRISE FLEXI when you place a $40 order between now and January 26!!!*  This is in ADDITION to the 12-Hour Flash Sale through Lilla Rose, so combine the two for the BEST deal!  (25% off is through Lilla Rose, Inc. and is Friday, January 23 from 8 am to 8 pm PST ONLY!)  If by chance you miss the 12-hour Flash Sale, you can still get the Surprise Flexi offer  through Paula if you order by January 26!

If you haven’t tried a flexi clip yet, now would be the perfect time! Flexis work in ALL types of hair, from baby fine to super thick, with NO ponytail headaches! They are great for busy moms, because you can do your hair beautifully in only seconds and be ready for the day! Time to throw away that plastic claw!

To find your perfect size, be sure to watch the sizing/styling videos! Also, try the coin tip! Squeeze the thickest part of your ponytail and look at the circle you just created. If the amount you’re holding resembles a nickel, you’re an extra small; a quarter, you’re a small; a 50-cent piece, you’re a medium; for anything bigger you’ll need large or XL. This would be for a ponytail or tails-up. A half-up would be a smaller size, and a French twist would be larger. But no worries if you still end up with the wrong size, as Lilla Rose has a 90-day sizing guarantee for free exchanges!

*Place an order of $40 or more (excluding tax and shipping) through Paula’s website, then message her to redeem your free surprise flexi! Please say Generation Cedar sent you! Offer valid for U.S. customers only and expires January 26, 2015. This is for both new and Paula’s returning customers, but if you already have another Lilla Rose consultant, please stay with her; I’m sure she will appreciate it! Thank you!



Training Children: 5 Keys to a Christian Home (Part 2)

Training Children 5 Keys to a Christian Home

  • Love. In part 1 of this series is the first essential key of child training: all must be wrapped in love. A child must be drawn by affection, knowing he is fully loved, before he will follow the Lord through his parents with a pure heart. It is the essence of raising them in the nurture of the Lord. Some of the following “keys” could be quickly turned to cruelty by a lack of love.
  • Know Whose They Are.

“The first thing implied in educating children for God is a realizing, heartfelt conviction that they are

His property, His children, rather than ours. He commits them for a time to our care…However carefully we may educate children, yet we cannot be said to educate them for God unless we believe that they are His.” -Edward Payson, A Theology of the Family

This reality motivates us differently. If they are His, given to us much as the talents were given to the servants by the Master, all our energies are put to directing them to live for His glory. That chief end is the force that drives us and supplies us with endurance.

  • Train Them in the right way. This point will be fleshed out in future parts, but its primary point is that children are inclined toward sin (Prov. 22:15) and we have been given the job of training them in the way they should go, not in the way they would go.
  • Expect and enforce respect and obedience. A seemingly simple and unneeded reminder, yet unfortunately lost in many homes. If a child would learn to survive in the world at all, he must learn how to submit to authorities in his life. I’ve seen the trend that villainizes parental authority. I would say it is not a “trend” but a rebellion couched in compassionate (deceitful) language. The Bible says that a parent hates his child who does not undertake to discipline him in love, requiring obedience as God has commanded. (Prov. 13:24)
  • Read the Bible & pray with them. It cannot be underestimated the power God’s Word has on our lives. It is living and breathing and able to transform. Make them thoroughly familiar, from a young age, with the Gospel. Talk of sin, our need of a Savior, the glorious story of our Redemption and the gratitude and love that should overflow from it. Let them see you pray and encourage them to pray as well. We should model the privilege of being able to commune, with reverence and yet affection, with the Creator of the universe.

As I study The Theology of the Family (edited by Scott Brown and Jeff Pollard) and The Duties of Parents, I am encouraged, convicted, but mostly renewed and strengthened to keep about this task of parenting. It is wonderful and it is hard and it is worth it.

Personal disclaimer:

I know from experience, that too often others looking in, reading a blog where ideals are presented, can easily perceive the author has arrived and therefore she does everything right and her children are perfectly behaved. I need you to know this is not the case here. I fail as a parent on a regular basis. sometimes my children argue, sometimes they disobey, and some have struggles too hard to mention here for the sake of privacy. These ideals are for all of us, as we walk together, praying for our children, asking God to sustain us through some very hard days, and trusting His infinite mercy and sovereignty in it all. That’s me, being real.



Training Children: It Starts With Love (The Duties of Parents, J.C. Ryle) Part 1

Am I the only mom who wonders if she’s doing it right, reads one author’s parenting method and second guesses everything she’s ever done? There are “new and better” ways right?

Yes, I have days where I feel like the older I get, the less I know about anything. But do you want me to tell you what I have learned as I’ve gotten older? Simply this:

Hang on to the timeless truths. If we will look closely at a teaching or ideology, we can see whether it follows sound doctrine, the tenets of God’s Word. Where it doesn’t, we should be wary. Where it does, we should listen.

(Disclaimer: I have gleaned many insightful and wonderful things from non-Christian sources regarding raising children. But we should be astute enough to be able to see where a teaching strays from biblical doctrine.)

Recently I ordered “The Duties of Parents” by J.C. Ryle. You should too.

It was such a clear, fresh voice in the often-cacophony of parenting advice flying around. It went back to some basics I know and gave me clarity and inspiration to essentially reboot.

I thought I’d offer a summary in series over the next few days. There’s another great book I’ll be pulling from as well. I hope it encourages you!

Love

“Train up your children with all tenderness, affection, and patience.”

“I do not mean that you are to spoil him…” Ryle continues.

But he reminds that a child cannot be taught, cannot have truths and values imparted to him unless it is done by affection that first draws his heart to yours. You can command a child by fear and intimidation, but you will only get his outward obedience, if you get that. You will not effect genuine respect and love for you or for His Creator.

A child disciplined in love is one who grows to understand his mother despises causing him tears, and is yet willing to suffer over his grief for his own sake.

We must carefully teach them “line upon line, precept upon precept”, which requires patience and long-term vision.

Are you feeling convicted at this point because you have been angry and frustrated at your children? Because you have parented impatiently? I have too. Far more times than I can count. And I’ll tell you like I tell me: “We cannot lament the past except where it helps us to improve in the future.” Got it? Good.

When motherhood feels too hard, I try to take a deep breath and remember it is the cord of kindness, gentleness and sympathy that will most easily lead our children to follow us. We should share with them a friendship, yet remain distinguished by respect, wisdom and our place as parents.

They should know our love for them by the attention we give to their childish wonder, the time we take to teach them a lesson, or to simply be with them. We need to enjoy them. Part of our enjoyment will depend on our diligence to train them, but still they must know that our deep love for them drives everything we do.

As you’ll see in the next few parts, Ryle distinguishes between love and indulgence, and makes it clear that love demands we expect certain things.

It is possible, then, to train our children in the nurture of the Lord, requiring what He has laid out, but doing so without exasperation. That is our duty.

“Soul love is the soul of all love. To pet and pamper and indulge your child, as if this world was all he had to look to, and this life the only season for happiness–to do this is not true love, but cruelty. It is treating him like some beast of the earth, which has but on world to look to, and nothing after death. It is hiding from him that grand truth, which he ought to be made to learn from his very infancy,–that the chief end of his life is the salvation of his soul and to glorify God by enjoying Him forever.” J.C. Ryle

 



Technology: What is Convenience Costing Us?

It’s interesting to think about the challenges each generation faces. Our grandparents probably couldn’t have imagined a world where we have access to virtually every source of information, every buying opportunity and every social conversation in the world. And while this advancement is good in so many ways, like everything else, it has grave pitfalls.

The worst part, to me, of our Internet Age is that these things have access to us in a way that makes it feel impossible to resist. Most of us carry a phone around because it’s convenient. But the trade off to convenience is that we are expected to be available to anyone who needs us, 24 hrs. a day, 7 days a week. (The only way I’ve found to avoid this dilemma is to simply not carry a phone. Believe it or not, one can survive in the 21st century without one unless it is needed for work. Most of the human race has survived for centuries.)

So we’ve created a great irony. For the sake of convenience and/or saving time:

  • we’re expected to be constantly available to throngs of people, making us busier than we’ve ever been, negating the original purpose of the technology.
  • We’re in touch with more people, and lonelier than ever.
  • We have access to more information but think less than ever because of distraction and stimuli.

Perhaps even worse, it puts our face-to-face relationships in jeopardy.

The one texting you doesn’t know you’re in a conversation with your husband. But if you don’t answer, you know they’ll feel ignored. And ignoring people is rude. And we don’t want to be rude. So to avoid being rude to our friend who texted, we are rude to our husband by interrupting the conversation we’re having to answer our friend.

 

For one of the most powerful, eye-opening books about this subject, go and get Simplicity Parenting. It is so, so good.

 

 

 

 

 

Even where we use our devices for work–and many people truly depend on them–it allows our clients, employers/employees to have constant access to our personal lives and interferes with our family relationships, as opposed to the old-fashioned 8 hour work day.

And when our children, who have less self-control than we do are given devices–when our whole family is now consumed with looking, playing, texting, shopping, answering–we stand to lose so much more than what we were supposed to be gaining.

And sometimes, more is less. A lot less.

We are no longer able to be “all there” wherever we are. We are scattered, with attentions split, 16-tabs-open-at-a-time people. And ironically, as advancements in technology do buy us more time, we just fill it up with more activities or browsing, or connections. We don’t like to admit it because it might mean drastic change.

I fear for our children who are losing the gift of solitude, who hardly know such a thing exists (much less why it’s important) because they rarely see it modeled. What becomes of the next generation who has no focus, who are alive but not really living because they’ve been distracted to death?

(I could insert here the studies about what all this does to our brains, but there’s enough to talk about without it.)

Can we use the benefits of technology for the glory of God in our lives? Yes, absolutely! But we need to be extremely aware of how easily it can rob us of the important, simpler things in life.

I may be the meanest mamma in the world because I haven’t bought my kids a smartphone (I’m sure by now “smartphone” is so last month but I don’t know the newest cool thing). But maybe one day they’ll think I’m smart and not so mean after all.



“What DO You Believe About Men’s & Women’s Roles in Marriage & Family?” (On Patriarchy and Stuff.)

An email I received said:

“Dear Kelly,

I am so confused. There seem to be so many beliefs about marriage and roles and one group villainizes another group for their stance, and vice versa. I’m particularly confused about what is called “patriarchy.” I thought that was another term for what the Bible taught about husbands and wives, but many Christians I know, who I agree with on things, are denouncing it. What do you believe?”

Frankly, I’ve been confused too. For years I would have agreed with this person about patriarchy. I wrote a post about it (which I have since taken down because the word itself evokes so much vitriol and I didn’t care for the keyword search attention it brought). In that post, I said that I believed in patriarchy, provided that patriarchy is the same definition as I find in the Bible about marital roles.

To quote one of my favorite movies, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.” And I have come to understand that words change meanings over time and we can’t define our terms with them anymore. As such, I am not a proponent of patriarchy because it doesn’t mean what I believe.

To use an example, it would be useless for me to say, “I support being gay” if I meant that I support being “happy.” It wouldn’t matter what I meant by the word anymore.

The thing that made me realize I don’t subscribe to the word and therefore have to ditch it, is seeing other people (who don’t know me but think they do from reading my blog) describe me. They said things like, “Kelly is brainwashed, fearful and weak. She is in a cult. She can’t help it, she doesn’t know any better. She only does what she is told.”

Which is funny. Because that doesn’t describe me at all. (In a cult?! What even?) In fact, when my husband read it, he laughed. And not just chuckled. My husband has an infectious laugh so notorious among our friends, they try to catch it on video. That kind of laugh. I think I should be offended.

My detractors like to paint me as someone who is legalistic (at best), and therefore imprisoned by my own beliefs and living a sad and narrow existence. It is their grotesquely distorted descriptions of my proposed life that throws up big red flags about anything else they say. When once you see yourself being falsely maligned and defaced publicly, you aren’t prone to give their other words much credence. Just keep that in mind in this great big Internet gossip cess pool.

Here is what I believe about marriage: you can open your Bible at this point to find out. Genesis 2, Proverbs 31, 1 Corinthians, Colossians, Hebrews, Ephesians.

It’s the same thing I’ve ALWAYS believed. Wives are to submit to their husbands, but only as husbands are to love their wives as their own flesh, submitting themselves to God. Where a husband fails to do this, and exercises abusive power over the wife, she is freed by her submission to honor Christ. I don’t believe the Bible teaches a philosophy that allows women to be abused. She has, and should use her recourse of the local Body.

Admittedly, I’m married to a fabulous man. Not every woman is. My hearty embrace of what Scripture teaches is very easy because of my husband. He is a servant. That’s what real leaders are. There isn’t contention. We are a team and he prioritizes me above everything. His having a leadership role that God has given him doesn’t diminish me or remove my right to speak up about things, disagree with him or offer counsel. It only makes him more careful and tender.

And about women, roles, daughters and careers: from Scripture I see that a woman’s first calling and priority is her home and family. (Proverbs 31, 1 Timothy, Titus 2)

I do not think it’s a sin for a woman to work outside the home or attend college. (I have many close friends and daughters who do these things.) I do think it can easily become a snare, especially in our day, given the emphasis put on career and lack of it devoted to the role of women at home. Also, it’s difficult to shift gears once a couple is accustomed to living with two full time incomes and they are receiving little, if any, encouragement for her to make family her first job. I know, I’ve been there.

I certainly support women (young and old) working to help with the income, especially if that job helps them keep their families a priority, instead of enslaving them to a schedule they can’t control. It is getting increasingly difficult for a family to survive without multiple incomes, but I don’t think that fact negates our first duty to the calling on our lives. I offer caveats that I believe line up with Scripture’s emphasis on women helping their husbands, raising their children, keeping their homes and ministering to the community.

Where Scripture is silent, we cannot erect commands. Where Scripture speaks, we must apply it to our lives as clearly as we know how, submitting to the authority of Christ above all.

I hope this is helpful to others who may be confused.

 



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