Christian Marriage: Guarding the United Front

“Keeping my home is only partly about cleaning, cooking and managing the affairs here.  It is foremost about keeping in the sense of guarding.  And what more important to guard than the united front that is my husband and me?”

C.S. Lewis said, “We need to be reminded more than instructed.”  Truer words could not be spoken.

The “elder ladies” in our church hosted a marriage seminar Saturday.  It was a much-needed breath of fresh air, both convicting on many levels, and inspiring to the point of action.  It may take several posts for me to pass along the encouragement.

(Disclaimer:  these are not posts about “whether or not a Christian woman should submit to her husband” or “whether the Bible teaches differences in roles for husbands and wives”.  If you’re interested in that debate, I’m sure there are other places for that.  My time is limited, and while debate about some issues is a part of this blog,  I’ve searched the opposition to its end, and still hold the Bible as my authority and maintain that is speaks clearly and absolutely regarding marriage.  I will guard our time here and try to prevent fruitless debate with those who have a different worldview regarding marriage.  Also, posts like these inevitably lean toward the “what ifs” and hypotheticals of marriage.  These posts are for Christian women who are in non-abusive marriages who wish to follow God’s design for a more fruitful and rewarding relationship.)

So I came away, though everything we heard we had heard before, with a freshness of purpose.  Isn’s it funny how the same information can still be so enlightening again and again?

• We want happy marriages (though the goal is not happiness)…check.
• We know God speaks on the subject…check.
• We faithfully live in accordance with that word…not so much!

The beginning point continues to be, for me, that I must make my marriage a priority.  If you happen to live with a loving, easy-going husband like mine, it’s easy to let marriage slip down the list of priorities.

But what a dangerous place for us to put our most important, earthly relationship!  So my very first slap-in-the-forehead moment at the seminar was this: 

Keeping my home is only partly about cleaning, cooking and managing the affairs here.  It is foremost about keeping in the sense of guarding.  And what more important to guard than the united front that is my husband and me? 

If you can picture a family like a house.  I like to think of the foundation as the worldview of the family.  A Christian couple should have a biblical foundation.  All inside the house is treasured and sacred.  It is the fundamental starting place for the advancement of the Kingdom.  But the door…ah, that most important part.  The door is the marriage.  The security of the entire house depends on the sturdiness and security of that door.  When the door is neglected, begins to deteriorate, the entire house stands to be ravaged.

Do I consider my marriage worthy of fierce protection?  And do I prioritize it so that I’m doing my part to guard it?  Or do I trust in a false sense of invincibility? 

I have to raise my hand at this point and say, “guilty”.  I have often let other things demand more of my time and attention and I am committing anew to change that.

Marriage is the lifeblood  that flows from my personal life to family, community, church and culture.  It’s seems too obvious, but I don’t think we are believing and communicating how important this relationship is!  My marriage, in large part, sets the precedence for my children’s marriages.  And all our marriages comprise the picture of the gospel.  It is the relationship through which God chose to depict His love for us and our response to Him.  

The way we love our spouses tells the world how we love our Lord….ouch. 

“We are the Body of which the Lord is Head,
Called to obey Him, now risen from the dead;
He wills us be a family,
Diverse yet truly one:
O let us give our gifts to God,
And so shall his work on earth be done.”

Abortionists Forced to Deal With Reality

Because they can’t speak for themselves, I will continue to try…

Excerpts from Mugged by Ultrasound reveal many abortionists, unable to deal with the horrors of their job, not only leaving the industry, but becoming staunch, pro-life advocates.

“In general, abortion providers have censored their own emotional trauma out of concern to protect abortion rights. In 2008, however, abortionist Lisa Harris endeavored to begin “breaking the silence” in the pages of the journal Reproductive Health Matters. When she herself was 18 weeks pregnant, Dr. Harris performed a D&E abortion on an 18-week-old fetus. Harris felt her own child kick precisely at the moment that she ripped a fetal leg off with her forceps:

‘Instantly, tears were streaming from my eyes—without me—meaning my conscious brain—even being aware of what was going on. I felt as if my response had come entirely from my body, bypassing my usual cognitive processing completely. A message seemed to travel from my hand and my uterus to my tear ducts. It was an overwhelming feeling—a brutally visceral response—heartfelt and unmediated by my training or my feminist pro-choice politics. It was one of the more raw moments in my life.’ …

‘As I brought out the rib cage, I looked and saw a tiny, beating heart,’ he would recall. ‘And when I found the head of the baby, I looked squarely in the face of another human being—a human being that I just killed.’ “

Full article:  Mugged by Ultrasound

John Piper on Families Worshipping Together: Why Not Children’s Church?

As we’ve discussed the idea of church nursery and children’s ministry, I wanted to restate something I mentioned in the comment section from a recent post:  This issue is not about “right and wrong” as much as it is about “wise or not”.  It’s not about attacking your church and its intentions, it’s about the challenge to think, possibly about positions you  may haven’t thought of before.

I challenge you to ask questions. 

“What is worship?”  “How does age-segregation in the church affect the body?”  “Does age-segregation hinder the ‘older teaching the younger’ model from Scripture?” “From whom do children learn to worship in spirit and in truth?”

These thoughts by John Piper are a beautiful and timely word for the discussion of family togetherness at church (excerpts only–full article can be read following the link):

“God-centered worship is supremely important in the life of our church. We approach the Sunday morning worship hour with great seriousness and earnestness and expectancy. We try to banish all that is flippant or trivial or chatty.

Stumbling block…The greatest stumbling block for children in worship is that their parents do not cherish the hour. Children can feel the difference between duty and delight. Therefore, the first and most important job of a parent is to fall in love with the worship of God. You can’t impart what you don’t possess.

Togetherness...Worshiping together counters the contemporary fragmentation of families. Hectic American life leaves little time for significant togetherness. It is hard to overestimate the good influence of families doing valuable things together week in and week out, year in and year out.

Catch the Spirit...Parents have the responsibility to teach their children by their own example the meaning and value of worship. Therefore, parents should want their children with them in worship so the children can catch the spirit and form of their parents’ worship.

Children should see how Mom and Dad bow their heads in earnest prayer during the prelude and other non-directed times. They should see how Mom and Dad sing praise to God with joy in their faces, and how they listen hungrily to His Word. They should catch the spirit of their parents meeting the living God.

Something seems wrong when parents want to take their children in the formative years and put them with other children and other adults to form their attitude and behavior in worship. Parents should be jealous to model for their children the tremendous value they put on reverence in the presence of Almighty God.

Not an excessive expectation…Children can be taught in the first five years of life to obey their father and mother when they say, “Sit still and be quiet.” Parents’ helplessness to control their children should not be solved by alternative services but by a renewal of discipline in the home..

Not all over their heads..Children absorb a tremendous amount that is of value….

Music and words become familiar. The message of the music starts to sink in. The form of the service comes to feel natural. The choir makes a special impression with a kind of music the children may hear at no other time. Even if most of the sermon goes over their heads, experience shows that children hear and remember remarkable things.

The content of the prayers and songs and sermon gives parents unparalleled opportunities to teach their children the great truths of our faith. If parents would only learn to query their children after the service and then explain things, the children’s capacity to participate would soar….

Sunday worship service is not useless to children just because much of it goes over their heads. They can and will grow into this new language faster than we think—if positive and happy attitudes are fostered by the parents.”

From The Family:  Together in God’s Presence

Training Children To Sit in Church

I’ve probably posted on this topic before, but I received another email asking for tips on teaching children to sit in church, and I assume that email represents many others who haven’t asked.

As I’ve said, we go to a family-integrated church where it is the norm for families to sit together, so it helps that the children serve as peer influences on each other.  “Everyone else is doing it.”

But here are some things we’ve done, some of which were given to me by older women:

After we pass the nursing stage (while nursing, I usually try to go back in after feeding, though sometimes I stay if baby is sleeping as we have a speaker in the cry room), we have the smallest ones sit on mine or my husband’s lap.  Gentle, whispering reminders serve to explain what’s expected (Shhh…we’re praying.  Be still…)

Someone mentioned in yesterday’s thread that the real training takes place at home, and I believe that to be true.  If the children are basically obedient and obey voice commands, church training follows fairly easily.

However, between the ages of 12 mo. and 2 years the training can be the most intense.  This is where a child, after proper voice commands, would be taken out for disipline.  The important thing is to bring him right back in.  If it persists, there would be a limit to the number of times I would take a child out for the sake of disruption, but I would certainly make a note of the areas of training lacking at home in this case and try to practice.  Sometimes a squeeze on the leg and a low whisper is all you need.  By the way, in most cases, my husband takes a child out.

If you take a disruptive child out to let him play, I believe it slows down and even hinders the process.  You’re only training him to know that misbehavior has a reward.

(With all that said, if this is a new thing, give yourself, and your child some grace.  Take it slow.  Set timed goals (half the service) and reward for meeting those.  Work on sitting still at home while someone reads.  Make sure they’ve gotten plenty of sleep, and consider whether he doesn’t feel well.  Don’t get discouraged!)

Another tip I got from my friend:

If you are struggling with a child, take him just outside the service–maybe in the foyer–with a chair facing the sanctuary.  Sit in that chair and pay attention as you would if you were in the service.  Use the same voice commands and discipline as before.  This way, it is less disruptive, the child is practicing, and you are maintaining your expectations and not just taking him out to “give up”.

Some families give their young children special books or drawing pads just for church.  I also think it’s important to talk about expectations and the meaning of worship before you go in.  It’s an excellent way to emphasize the reverence with which we are to approach the place of worship.

Stay tuned for some challenging thoughts from others on family worship.

Children’s Nursery at Church

“I believe one of the greatest crutches in the church is the nursery. Parents who have neglected to train their children have very little encouragement to do so when there is a place to hide them. The father who should be up in arms by the time he gets home from church because of the embarrassment to which his child subjected him ends up going home with a clear conscience while the nursery worker takes a handful of aspirin.”    -Voddie Baucham

True Woman ‘10 Conference

I’m going to the Chattanooga conference–I hope you can too!  Today is the last day for EARLY registration (sorry…just found out about it.)  I’m very excited about the vision and the line-up of speakers (including Voddie Baucham and Nancy Leigh DeMoss!) for this conference.  Go to True Woman to learn more.

P.S.  Music by the Gettys!