Getting Your Children to be Friends–Part 6–Hitting/Yelling
I wanted to go through some of the questions from readers about helping their children become friends. But I don’t have all the answers! So, I am hoping we can glean from one another, realizing that a group of counsel is better than one!
Here is the first one I want to address–please leave your words of wisdom too!
“I have a 3 year old and a 1.5 year old. The biggest thing for me is fighting over toys and hitting each other. I tell them to stop, encourage gentleness and love, but sometimes it feels like a hopeless battle. The thing that annoys me the most is that my younger boy is naturally very gentle and seems to be picking up the hitting thing from his brother. How do I teach the older to be an example to the younger, and teach the younger not to pick up the bad habits?”
Hitting, kicking or biting is a common behavior, but not an acceptable one. I remember dealing with this and thinking “I can’t spank a child for hitting–isn’t that a double standard?” Which is what the pop-psych will tell you.
But just to clarify, and I’m sure most of you know this, a “biblical spanking” is not hitting, and your child won’t get confused.
We need to be especially careful to spank in a calm, controlled manner and not swat in frustration. The age of the child determines how much time I spend explaining the “whys” of the spanking.
For a young child (under 3 or so) a simple “you may not hit your brother” accompanies a spanking. For an older one, I spend a bit more time talking about the sin behind hitting and how it is not “loving our neighbor” to do so.
I consider yelling to be equal to physical agression, and always make the child redo his request/statement in the correct tone of voice.
As with many undesirable behaviors, I believe consistency is the best practice. A consistent, calm spanking every time usually stops the habit.
You may try also requiring a kind act for every unkind one. Having the offender make the “victim’s” bed, etc.
Important note:
Being alert and close by your children can give you important insight into strife. It could be that one child is a quiet instigator knowing just how to get the “hitter” in trouble. Although hitting is never acceptable, there may be another culprit to discipline as well.
Feel free to add or clarify your thoughts!
Related posts:
Uncategorized | Word Warrior | 
October 6, 2008 9:51 am
Audio available soon!
I do think it's so important not to discipline in frusteration or anger, period. If you do, then I think this can lead to your children veiwing spanking as more of an emotional reaction than a consequence.
Many parents I know simply do not seem to know how to discipline calmly – when we started having babies I wasn't sure it was possible; maybe a myth? My parents never, ever disciplined when they weren't fed up and mad. Who wants to spank unless they're at the end of their rope?
Too many parents say "leave that alone… NO! leave it alone! Stop! don't touch! No!" but they don't actually DO anything until the object falls over. They miss the first, second, third disobedience and react to the result of the disobedience. To me, learning that was a huge help! It really opened my mind to all sorts of possibilities.
I have a 2.5yo & a 1yo. It is challenging! If it's really bad, you might have to literally sit down with them every day and pre-empt for a while, grabbing hands mid-swing. I'd teach them to play in different areas sometimes to let each cool off (or give me a break!), too.
You might have fun working on "fun" commands, like having one stay on a blanket and the other stay off, then vice versa. Hand me that toy, go bring me a book – the more they obey the more listening and obeying becomes a good habit for them! Not that they will always obey, but it does help to 'practice'.
When my youngest was tiny, I did a lot of playing referee because I was afraid he'd get hurt. I wasn't even thinking about the future! It sure pays off now. Still, I have to keep an eye on them and sometimes if I'm cooking I call one or the other into the kitchen and leave the other playing. They really, really like to play together, and that's a dreadful punishment! LOL
HTH a tiny bit or gives some more ideas!
Hmmm, that was me above, but it didn’t link to my blog.
Ashley
http://www.homesteadblogger.com/Jonash2004
Thank you for this series, Kelly. It’s really helping me a lot. I feel so slack sometimes in my child-raising – probably because it’s so much easier NOT to keep on top of it. I’ve really paid for the slackness; it’s really come out in my three-year-old. Lately though, I’ve been trying very hard to deal with the things that are important to my husband and I, the things that we want to see improve in our children as they get older. Because I’ve been more consistent the last little while, I’ve been seeing a few “fruits” of my labour crop up here and there. My kids really seem to know if I am being consistent or not and they really act according to my mood. It’s actually quite scary that it is us who “make or break” our kids.
As usual, well stated.
When disciplining for hitting in our house I usually try to make the verbal connection between the spanking and disobedience as well. Hopefully the mental connection follows for the child, at least after they have heard it enough.
I say something like, “Mommy has told you not to hit, since you disobeyed you now get a spanking.” I definitely agree that this is so different than the hit they just inflicted on their sibling, but I do sometimes have that annoying PC voice trying to make me feel hypocritical.
Thanks for the level headed counter argument that I need to keep listening to.
~Erin
Trying not to repost things that have been said.
Once I have verbally established certain behavior, so my kids know what is expected, I’ll ask them what they have done. So we know “Obedience is all the way, right away, with a happy heart.” They can repeat that well, so when we disobey, I ask them (3 1/2 – 4 years and older) if they know why they are in trouble. I feel this helps to reinforce their understanding.
I too leave “whys” for older children, and do a breif before and after time.
When there is an issue between siblings we require restoration, so the hitter must apologize, and request forgiveness, along with “sorry love” *which is a hug.* The younger, the shorter the necessary apology.
The victim is encouraged to “use their words” (which have to be loving) to discuss issues with the offender. This is supervised most of the time, but my older two can handle their issues without me now, most of the time.