Economic Stimulus Package Explained (this is funny ;-)
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus
Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Q. What if I use the money to pay my taxes?
A. The money goes back to the Govt. and they give it to someone else.
In light of the above, we offer the following helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely.
Remember:
*If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
* If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arab nations.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
*If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
*If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
*If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy. Our officials are telling us that we need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by:
*spending it at yard sales and thrift stores
*going to sports games
*spending it at craft fairs and local artists
*spending it on prostitutes & porn
*purchasing large amounts of domestic beer and alcohol
*purchasing tattoos-they are always a heartwarming way to say I love you.
The above seem to be the only industries still primarily home grown. Buy American and let’s start spending! I’ll meet you at the liquor store.
From: The Common Room found through Life in a Shoe
Related posts:
humor | Word Warrior | 
February 6, 2009 3:03 pm
Audio available soon!
you forgot guns and ammo : P
I suppose I could pierce my nose.
No pork barrel spending!!!
I don’t have a tattoo–WAIT! Are the ink and needles from China?
And I’m kind of suspicious of thrift-store items that are less than 50 years old. I suppose I could try to locate an estate sale or antique dealer that has vintage American stuff.
Is that product safety law going to pass? I might be able to support a local artist/crafter who needs to liquidate untested products before Feb 2010.
I hate sports but might be able to learn to drink wine.
Hm. Not a lot of options.
Heather
Careful, your conservative is showing…
Canada may not 'stimulating' with as high as price tag as your end of the world – but the Q&A works well for us, too!
that’s hilarious! I’m going to copy that and forward it to a few of my friends if you don’t mind.
sheena
If any one doesn’t want their money, feel free to send it to me.
You guys are a riot…I guess what makes it so funny–in a twisted kind of way–is that it’s so true.
The other thing that’s so dumb about this stiumlus package is that IF there are enough smart people left in this country,they will all save their money for when the economy falls even harder.
I’m sending mine to the Amish and Mennonite communities! That cash won’t leave the county, hehe.
I think I second the guns and ammo!!
I could bury it in the backyard…
Q. What is the money in this check worth?
A. A lot less than you think. It was mostly invented money, therefore inflating the currency and giving you, well, a lot less spending power. Oh, yeah, and that goes for all the money you have in the bank as well. Less spending power. Have fun spending.
We need to keep the Chinese and the Arabs and the Mexicans happy so they won’t nuke us.
Hey, you got an award! Come see
http://michelleshomestead.blogspot.com/2009/02/thank-you.html
I’m a local artist…
Michelle–Thank you!!! You’re awfully sweet!
Mrs. Taft,
Oooh, good point. I sell things too
*shameless plugs welcome*
Technically, I read recently the Seattle Times, nearly all our foreign oil comes from middlemen in Canada and Mexico…so feel free to buy the gas if you don’t mind financing ice hockey and chewing gum manufacturing.
~Bethany
Another shameless plug… don’t forget puppies bred in the good ole U.S. of A. Much more cuddly than the average tattoo artist!LOL
Ah yes. Trickle down is SO much better! Except, you know, NOT.
“Bush used the recession of 2001 to push through two tax cuts to stimulate the economy:
Mr. Bush’s 10-year, $1.35 trillion tax cut of 2001, considered the largest in history, contained $174 billion of cuts during its first two full years, according to Congress’s Joint Committee on Taxation. The second-largest tax cut — the 10-year, $350 billion package engineered by Mr. Bush in 2003 — contained $231 billion in 2004 and 2005.
So in 4 years, when the economy was doing poorly, but was not truly desperate, Bush and the Republicans forced through more than $400 billion in tax cuts to address the recession. And those tax cuts cost the economy trillions over the life of those cuts.
The same Republicans (and their friends, the Blue Dogs) think that $800 billion to keep the economy from going into a real depression is too expensive and will cost future generations too much. Well, they’ve already saddled the future generations trillions in debt that will never be recovered. And what do they have to show for their program? A world that is dropping into an extremely deep hole because they’ve already spent our country’s wealth on their get-rich-quick gambles.
So hundreds of thousands of Americans, and maybe millions more will be paying for the selfish and mean-spirited cuts in the current stimulus package because making sure people have food stamps or health care during this economic downturn is something we can’t afford to spend. After all, we’ve already spent it on tax cuts for the rich.
The people who vote for cuts on the poor after they voted to enrich the already obscenely rich should be tossed into the seventh pit of hell. Would that they could experience the hell they’ve created for others.”
MOD
You know, I’m not about to defend former President Bush. He did what he did—just like every other leader we have had. I will admit that I voted for him. I am not a blindly loyal, card-carrying Republican. However, like so many others in this country, I had been duped into thinking that we only have TWO choices when election time rolls around. Instead of standing firmly for what we believe, conservative Christians have repeatedly compromised by half-heartedly voting for the “lesser of two evils”. The perceived availability of “conservative” choices has become increasingly pathetic. And for as long as I have been old enough to care, I have watched our country steadily slide in the same direction regardless of who is President. You can be certain that many conservative individuals voted third party (or not at all) this last election so as to be able to live with a clear conscience.
Sure, sometimes we go faster and others, slower. Occasionally, we seem to stop moving. But I have NEVER seen us reverse the overall trend of moving away from a truly conservative social/fiscal system. The politics don’t actually “drive” us but are rather a reflection of the overall “climate” of our country. Rest assured, a significant number of “conservatives” are notably liberal—in spite of what they tell us.
And when an intensely liberal leader with the right blend of charismatic personality and ambiguously positive rhetoric comes along, many who previously said “no” to potentially oppressive government policies are so tired of not being well represented that they say “any change is better than what we have had”.
Of course the current administration always blames the previous one for the problems it inherits. And, to a degree, I would say it is true. But that is a bit short-sighted. We need to look beyond the last 8 years and consider the bigger picture. President Clinton made messes for G. W. to deal with and the elder Bush annoyed enough people that Clinton was warmly welcomed. I’m sure we could take this back many years. Current President Obama gets to face the cumulative aftermath of EVERY ONE of the previous leaders’ screw-ups. This includes the realms of economics, social programs, legal matters, environmental concerns, international relations, etc. And he will make plenty of mistakes of his own.
United States citizens often get whipped into a froth over liberal vs conservative or Democrat vs Republican. Or even over one specific President versus another. But do we ever stop to think that the two main political groups could actually be on the same side playing “good cop-bad cop”? We people sit on the sidelines, watching the maneuvers while rooting for “our” team. We are taught to think we actually have a “say” in the direction our country goes. What if that isn’t true?
What if well-meaning politicians think they are ultimately responsible for our country’s destiny but are really being influenced by forces they cannot control? I’m not talking about the global economy, horrible disease epidemics or unprecedented natural disasters, BTW. And I’m not saying these people are not actually making real decisions that affect events.
Please try to suspend your disbelief for just a moment and indulge me in this
What if God, in His sovereignty and in accordance with His ultimate plan to glorify Himself is allowing people to indulge in a mass delusion that human beings are actually able to harness our combined intelligence, resources and efforts and somehow “save” the world from an “untimely” demise? What if He is allowing a demonic presence to reinforce the resolve of those who have chosen to worship self and nature rather than the Creator of both? What if, as the end of time approaches, we are seeing exactly the types of things that were predicted two thousand years ago by Jesus Himself?
What if the Bible is true?
A few months ago, Kelly’s post would have probably not been funny to me as I was very concerned for our economy. But God has been faithfully weeding out the idols in my heart and I can laugh about it now—not because I think that it is funny that Americans are losing jobs in record numbers. I don’t laugh because of the losses that people around the world are experiencing right now. I don’t think it is at all funny when little ones need medical treatment they can’t afford or go hungry or have to sleep in their car because the bank foreclosed on their family’s home.
I firmly believe that conservatives and Christians should be willing to open up our own pockets to help those around us before we berate the government for lifting money from individuals (via taxation) in order to benefit “everyone”. And, we should live as responsibly as we are able because we will answer to God for our stewardship of the things He has given to us.
The reason I can laugh about the post is that I finally can see the futility of placing my hope in the systems of this world. If I trust my future to the condition of the economy or job availability or health care or education or in the President’s ability to handle various international crises…then I should certainly be concerned because all of these things are a MESS!
God has been merciful enough to allow me to see that those who belong to Him have a hope beyond the life we now live. As far as this world goes, “security” is temporary. “Safety” is an illusion. It is possible to unexpectedly lose everything in a day. Life itself can be cut off when a person is in his/her “prime”. Or be ended before the life has even begun. When we leave this world, we also leave behind all the things that demand our attention and compete for our affection.
In the end, we are all left to stand before God alone.
Or, we can stand before Him with Jesus Christ as mediator.
I am grateful that He has been clearing my vision so that I am doing much less panicking or rejoicing over every blip on the radar screen. He has promised that He would give me what I need—if I trust Him.
I laugh because I finally am expereincing freedom from the prison of worry that I have been in for most of my life.
Heather
Since a lot of people can’t wrap their mind around trillions, I just wanted to add a mind boggling illustration that I heard…
someone pointed out that if you spent a million dollars every single *DAY* since the day Jesus was born until today, you still would not be close to the amount of the (nauseating) stimulus package.
Love it! =D
MOD
You seem to be very hateful of the “rich”. Perhaps you should consider a few things.
First, when did you ever get a job from a poor person? Usually it is the “rich” that provide jobs.
Second, what does the IRS consider “rich”? I do believe in the tax cuts by George W. Bush their were tax cuts for people making as little as $42,000 a year. Apparently they must be “rich”.
Also, those very tax cuts led to 52 months of straight growth in our economy. Bringing our unemployment rate extremely low.
My goal is not to defend our former president, I do believe he made plenty of mistakes. However, it bothers me when people criticize a program, plan, philosophy, or theology they don’t understand.
Sorry for stepping on toes Word Warrior!
Dr. Baucham has a couple of very informative videos posted on his blog today.
http://www.voddiebaucham.org/vbm/Blog/Entries/2009/2/7_Did_Anyone_See_This_Collapse_Coming_Yup%21.html
I realize this was a humorous post, and I am amused.
However – seriously – building products are still made in America. Lumber, sheetrock, etc. Contractors are usually Americans as well.
So buy lumber from my sawmill!!
Craig
Craig–*smile* you didn’t leave buying information
Heather, I really loved your summary about God’s peace in your life…well said. We could all use some freedom from the “prison of worry”.
The company I work for is Idaho Forest Group (formerly known as Riley Creek) You can find our products in Menard’s and Lowe’s. Also can be found in several ma and pa stores around the nation.
Since you asked.
Craig