Things NOT to Say During Childbirth
– Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
– Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
– I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
– If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
– That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
– When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
– You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
– This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
– Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
– Stop your swearing and just breathe.
– Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO.
–You’re not using the right words.
– Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
Or my PERSONAL favorite, spoken by my dear husband with our first child…In labor, still at home, “Honey, do you mind getting lunch ready before we go? And if it’s OK, I’m going to grab a shower.” He’s learned a lot since then 
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humor, motherhood, pregnancy | Word Warrior | 
February 3, 2009 2:00 pm
LOL I’m hoping to get pregnant in the next few months. Think I’ll print these out and give them to my husband.
If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
Alas for me, my husband has had a couple of kidney stones, and his nurse told him she’d had a baby and a kidney stone, and the kidney stone hurt worse. So, even though he’s promised not to mention this when I’m in labor, I know he’ll be sitting there thinking about how much worse it hurt for him to pass that kidney stone. I don’t really like that nurse very much.
I think the one that gets on my nerves the most is when a male doctor or nurse (or husband!) tells a woman in labor, “I know how you feel.” NO YOU DON’T! I had a natural childbirth with my first (planning the same with my second) and my husband was my birth coach. I am infinitely grateful that not a single insensitive or idiotic phrase passed his lips during labor or delivery.
~Bethany
My friend was having a home birth this last June and her air went out. So her husband, thinking that what she would want is to have it fixed, call the repair guy. What do you not want to hear during labor…”Honey the repair man is hear to fix the air.”
I have another one to add to your list. My husband likes to joke that he wants a legion (50) of kids. So right after our daughter (first baby) was born, he said “One down, 49 to go!”
The last thing I wanted to think about right then was going through it all again, never mind 49 more times! Now I’m pregnant again, and quite optimistic that this time will be easier.
These are so funny mom! I will definately give this list to my future husband, especially since I will be having home births!
I think my husband (or was it my mom?) said something like “Just enjoy the moment.” But actually that was exactly what I needed to hear!
I know I’m not the only woman out there who can say that they’ve enjoyed their labors.
(Still working on that natural childbirth post for you, Kelly!)
I had one nurse with my second child who kept saying, “Push like you have a big poopy. Push like you have a big poopy.” She must’ve said it like 10 times and then my husband started saying it. Finally I think I yelled “STOP! Stop saying that.”
LOL!!! This is definitely not a good thing to say to a mom in labor.
Jessica in Peru
GT,
I know it’s cheating if I say I really enjoy childbirth too
You know, the euphoria that the epidural brings? I’m really trying, Daja, to want to go natural!
Phamilyof6,
That’s hilarious! I had a nurse during one of my labors that repeated Pooooosh, pooooosh, poooooosh–really fast like 30 times each time, and it nearly drove me crazy! We still laugh about it and imitate her.
Your husband’s comment is THE best! Hahaha!
LOL! I gave birth for the first time (no epidural or any drugs) almost 3 weeks ago. And while I can honestly say there WERE things that hurt worse (such as for example my migraines during pregnancy), I would NOT appreciate hearing this during labor.
“Push like you have a big poopy”…
Ohh hahahahaha… I’m wiping my tears here from laughing so much.
Immediately, like *one second* after giving birth, my husband told me, “Now, wasn’t that worth it?”
I yelled, “Don’t ask me now, ask me three years from now!” To which the midwife cracked up and said, “A very honest answer.”
At one point, DH was supposed to be “coaching” me through the contractions (natural childbirth.) He was really helping, until he got distracted by the TV and said, “Wait, Ann Colter’s on Bill O’Reilly! Let me watch this segment.”
Tears are streaming I am laughing so hard! (especially about the poopy comment)!!!!
I actually felt sorry for my husband during my labor because he just had this helpless look on his face. He kept wiping my forehead and he looked terrified.
The nurse made me angry asking me INSURANCE QUESTIONS and filling out forms. I had already pre-registered!!! So I **HISSED** at her…
“COULD YOU PLEASE ASK MY HUSBAND!!!!!”
My sister in law’s baby came close to opening day of bow season (deer hunting). Whew, that was a close one!
Hee Hee! I love them. My husband is great during labor, but he does like to tease before the fact.
Would someone please tell me why the hospital nurses ask a ton of insignificant questions like your address while you’re in labor when your husband is standing right there? This happened during my first natural childbirth (third baby) last time. After the baby was born, she found my pre-registration papers which had ALL these answers on it (and which my husband had reminded her of several times). Grrr!
Speaking of nurses asking questions during labor (admittedly I probably didn’t pre-register, bu still)…
During one of my labors the nurse asked me–and I’m NOT kidding–
“OK, would you consider yourself an auditory learner, kinesthetic learner, or visual learner?”
I just looked at her and said, “You’re, kidding, right?”
ROFL!!!!! I hadn’t heard many of those.
I’ll be honest, my husband usually sucks as a labor coach but my last birth in a birthing center with gentle midwives with him behind me in the birthing pool was the best birth experience I ever had. No more epi’s for me if I can avoid it!
With the birth of my second, after I was checked in, my husband and sister left for Taco Bell. The nurse asked where they were going, and he replied “I have plenty of time, these things take awhile.” (My first took 20 hours)
When he walked back in the room 20 min. later he was shocked that I was ready to push and asked “Can I finish my taco first?” Thankfully he was kidding.
GT- I agree; I actually did enjoy childbirth–and without pain meds. Oh, sure, there was about an hour there where I thought, “How can I possibly do this?” But that’s what transition’s about, right? Besides which, I had been induced for medical reasons, so I have been told that my experience was much more exhausting and painful than it’s actually supposed to be.
~Bethany
My dad was the trouble maker when he popped in during my first two labors. During the first one, he kept getting shouting about how high the “richter scale”. Very irritating. During the second one, he showed up with my husbands favorite snack – Arby’s jalapeno poppers. Very bad labor coach breath!
My favorite moment was during my last birth, I was ready to push and my midwife was 2 miles up the road, when the classical radio station I was listening to started playing the William Tell Overture and my husband was riding the bench at the foot of our bed like a cowboy. Clearly, he didn’t realize that he was 2 seconds from delivering his own child!
My mother-in-law’s (male) doctor told her, “Oh, it doesn’t hurt that bad,” and said it again when he stitched her up without anesthetic! (Don’t ask why the old days are better than this, the book of Ecclesiastes tells us!)
“Well, honey, this is gonna take awhile, so I thought I’d run over to Circuit City.”
Yes, he did.
This post is hilarious! =D Thankfully, my husband was perfect during the labor. He just kept telling me how good I was doing. =) I had wanted to go natural for the birth, but, after about 60 hours of labor, I decided on an epidural (thank the Lord for the doctor who invented that!). After the birth, Danny told me that if I hadn’t said “yes” to the drugs, he would have for me! =D Who says it doesn’t hurt the guy?
Thanks for the laugh Kelly!!
Undoubtedly the most insensitive thing that has ever happened to me (and forgive me this is not lighthearted) was after I delivered my first children (twin daughters) stillborn (at 24 weeks.) The nurse comes in before we are about to go home and says that my bloodwork shows that I was not immune to Rubella and wanted to give me that shot right then and there, AND SHE DID even though I asked her not to. I have learned a lot since then. (No one can do anything without your consent.)
All that being said, I can honestly say that (even though nurses can be stinkers, and yet many are very wonderful) home birth would not be an option I would choose willingly. I am very grateful for all the medical advances and options available at a hospital.
But whether at home or in the hospital we can all rest in the fact that the lives of our children are ultimately in His gracious and loving hands.
“Kate! Please don’t get in the helicopter!” (Re: last night’s LOST. Don’t worry. Sawyer kept his mouth shut)
Jeanette – I am so sorry for your loss. And I quite agree with you – esp about conventional medicine, homebirthing, and nurses. My main interest in homebirthing is to avoid the OB/nurse craps-shoot. Even if your midwife brings an assistant, I guess you can the the person go get the (expletive) out if they get on your nerves. (If you have the presense of mind while pushing.)
Oops – “tell the person”
Those are hysterical! My favorite comment was by the doctor who was “subbing” (badly) for my real doctor. My husband was in the waiting room (he cannot take me in ANY pain…seriously) and my mom, who looks pretty young, was with me in the delivery room. My mom said something and I answered with a not so loving “I AM MOM!!!!” The doctor looked at us and said, “Oh, she’s your MOM?” Apparantly, she thought we were a couple. Nice.
I love the fact your husband wanted you to make lunch. I am laughing so hard at that. My husband and I got married young… I guess we are still young. But, when we recall some the stupid things we have both said and done over the years, we laugh a lot.
How about “I am going to work, call me when you are 3 minutes apart”. My response “I AM!”
Explanation: Baby was due Dec. 5th, I told everyone the 26th since I carry 3 weeks late. Husband knew right date. It was now the AM of the 26th and I got up at 5 AM in labor, he got up to go to work and it took me an hour to convince him to take me to the hospital! We just made it in time!
One of my daughters asked me if I was sure I wasn’t having twins because it sure looked like there was another in there.
And one of my brothers-in-law, who would probably prefer to remain nameless, asked his weak, thirsty, hungry wife just a few hours after a very tough homebirth:
“So…um…should I just get my own lunch today?” Legend has it he *did* have sense enough to beat a hasty retreat when he saw the look she gave him.
Hysterical!
I have heard that the nurses ask a lot of questions when you come in because that’s one way of finding out how far along you are in labor. If you’re unable to speak easily, you’re definitely in labor!
With my third, they started asking me all the questions (we were pre-registered). One nurse finally said, “We’ll skip the check room. She’s obviously in labor.” I was already to 7!
Can I borrow these? They are hilarious!
And, I was in a hospital elevator when some guy said the last comment about still looking pregnant to his wife. If I hadn’t been in there with them or she hadn’t been so tired, she probably would have knocked him into next week!
)
These are so funny. Thanks for the laugh!
Our doc and my husband are good friends. They talked incessantly about fly fishing while I went through transition. Finally, I’d had enough and nearly yelled “will you two please be quiet!” My husband said, “oh, sorry, do you want us to go out in the hall? Just then, with one huge contraction, my birth coach, who is also an OB nurse AND my dear friend, delivered my daughter…my dh and wide-eyed doctor came rushing over for the assist. Ah-hem.
Too funny. I was in transition and my DH told me we could go to the hospital AFTER he got down mowing the lawn. ???
Shawna – the nurses do almost all the work anyway (no, not always, just almost always). Finally, one gets the fun and the recognition of being the one “deliver” the baby (in quotes because we know yo did it)!
After I went into pre-term labor with my second I was complaining about already not sleeping well and now I have to wake up every 3 hours day and night to take a pill. He lovingly put his arm around me and smiling said it’s ok baby it’s only 9 months. The delivery didn’t go any better.