» Are You Making a Living?

Are You Making a Living?

A man approaching retirement called the retirement office to inquire about his pension. Afterward, he was asked if his wife worked. “She’s worked all her life making me happy”, he replied. “Yes sir, but has she earned money to receive her pension?” “When we got married we agreed on an arrangement”, he said. “I would earn the living, and she would make the living worthwhile”.

“Make the living worthwhile”…have we forgotten the very essence of that? Have we forgotten to live for someone else, that doing so IS what makes a living worthwhile?

The Lord has really been working in my heart a lot lately about my role as a wife. If I could sum up what I believe makes a happy, time-proof marriage, it would be this:

Live to make your spouse’s life better.

Now as a wife, the first response we want to give is…”why should I do that when he doesn’t do that for me?”

And we are so unwilling to take our eyes off of his faults, look at our own shortcomings, and realize we may be a large part of the reason he doesn’t respond to us the way we think he should.

Do you want a joyful home? Be joyful.

Do you want a tender husband? Be tender.

Work on becoming the woman with whom your husband feels MOST secure–even with his greatest weaknesses (boy that’s a hard one!)

He has the whole world to make him feel inadequate, tired, unaccomplished or weak.

If he has one place to go, one person who will guard his reputation, his feelings, his manhood, one person who will make his living worthwhile, that man will run to that place…to that person…he will cherish it and will never leave.

Uncategorized | Word Warrior | April 17, 2009 9:47 pm

19 Comments

By Belinda, April 17, 2009 @ 10:18 pm

I think we have heard “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy” so long that we think that means somebody has to MAKE us happy. I think it is true because it is our joy that is contagious.But, no one is responsible for getting us in that frame of mind but the Word of God and our commitment to do His will. Attitude means so much to all who are watching:)
By Kathy @ Teaching Good Things.com, April 17, 2009 @ 11:19 pm

This is great! So many things you said make me think of my husband. He makes me feel so cared for, so treasured. And he’ll tell you real quick that everything he does is for me; and my kids will tell you they hope I don’t die first. lol… No marriage is perfect, but trying to live for the other is what it is all about!!!
By Kim M., April 18, 2009 @ 12:57 am

My husband literally THRIVES when I take this attitude with him. He is so easy to please that just the least little thing makes him beam. I think a lot of men are really that way, if their wives would just figure this out.
By Kim from Canada, April 18, 2009 @ 1:25 am

If only we were trained before marriage to think ‘give 100% and don’t expect anything in return’, our marriages would be so much better. The amazing thing is that, as you mention, when we give – we get.
By Allison P., April 18, 2009 @ 7:51 am

Wonderful and timely post! Thank you!
By aimai, April 18, 2009 @ 8:11 am

Why would you marry someone whose manhood was entirely dependent on your actions or inactions? I love my husband passionately, and dote upon him, as he on me but good lord I don’t expect him to spend all his time shoring up my fragile femininity and he doesn’t seem to need me to protect his fragile ego. And if he really had such a fragile ego, frankly, I doubt if there is much I could do for him. We both agree that we make life worth living and he constantly tells me he loves me and is grateful for all the work I do, as I do to him. Because we are. Because its true. If I “gave onehundred percent” and “didn’t *expect* anything in return” that would be one thing. But if I gave one hundred percent and didn’t *get* anything in return I’d be crazy to stay in this or any marriage. And I’d say the same for the husband. If he loved and cherished a wife who was indifferent to him he might want to rethink the marriage too. I just don’t get why you all talk as if there were a special “wives only” clause in life or marriage that makes it possible or desirable for women to make all the sacrifices for a weak, feeble, angry, or indifferent man (because that’s the kind of guy Kelly is always describing. The insecure in his own manhood guy). Its not biblical but the phrase “if its sauce for the goose its sauce for the gander” comes to mind.

aimai
By Word Warrior, April 18, 2009 @ 8:45 am

aimai,

You are almost always either confused about the message of the post, or just enjoy distorting it…don’t do that

Where have I described an “angry, feeble or indifferent” man? LOL! And the point I make over and over is NOT that a woman should give 100% and expect nothing in return, but when we (male or female, but since my readers are mostly women I’m talking to them) live sacrificially, we reap the huge rewards of having that come back to us in a rewarding and happy marriage.

Men can get their advice from a man’s column…that’s not my job, so maybe that’s why this looks one-sided to you. They DO have a huge responsibility, I just don’t tell them what it is
By AuthenticallyMe, April 18, 2009 @ 11:52 am

I do sorta feel like Aimai. When a person has insecurities, or a hole in their heart, there is only so mcuh one can do for that person. They have to come to a place where *they* will do for themselves. Some people will literally deplete those around them, being ultra-dependent. In fact, I see much of the world going this way. Because men tend toward selfishness, i have seen many situations where the wife giving more, and sacrificing more, only made a man taking advantage of it.

When I dont ‘get’ soemthing form my husband, the best fix for me has been to realize I have choices in how to meet my own needs, when there is no one else to meet them. It has made me less ‘dependent’ on my husband, therefore freeing him up of having to please me every time I have an insecurity that arises. The job of healing or soothing insecurities for another person who is an adult, can be quite all-consuming, to the point you lose any individual identity. In many marriages I see, the people are enmeshed with one another to the point they think their spouse is there to incessantly ‘give up’ for them. I had to realize my spouse was not my savior, and i not his.
By AuthenticallyMe, April 18, 2009 @ 11:56 am

perhpas this is one of the phrases that confuses me, or has me possibly interpreting the thread wrong, Kelly:

***And we are so unwilling to take our eyes off of his faults, look at our own shortcomings, and realize WE MAY BE A LARGE PART OF THE REASON he doesn’t respond to us the way we think he should.***

Placing a ‘large’ part of the reason on a wife IMO, isnt fair. The truth is if he doesnt respond to us the way he should, it is *his* issue, just like it is ours if we dont respond properly to him. There cannot be a double standard.
By Word Warrior, April 18, 2009 @ 1:01 pm

AM,

Sorry to confuse you so much. This post is not about those rare situations where one or the other spouse has a mental illness–I’m addressing general contexts of marriages, not dissecting individual problems.

Let me try again…

Many, many marriages are miserable because there is a lack of basic understanding between husband and wife. I am offering to wives a simple recipe for creating peace in a typical marriage setting.

When a wife is constantly complaining to her husband, he is not going to be responsive to her needs. When she is discontent or gripy, or quick to point out his weaknesses, etc., it does not make for a pleasant atmosphere in which a marriage grows.

I am NOT saying that the happiness of a marriage falls solely on the wife. I am telling you that there is a mystery in all of human nature that if we would get our minds off of our petty little expectations and cherish our husbands, life will be richer. It’s a simple point, really.
By Belinda, April 18, 2009 @ 1:18 pm

We have been doing “The Love Dare” and wow! how the focus has to come off of myself and instead onto serving my husband. He is doing the same and it is so good. Our hearts should always be on lifting others up but without condition or expectation. Really in the end you can only change YOUR actions and YOUR attitude not anyone elses.
By Missi, April 18, 2009 @ 1:53 pm

This is so true! The harder I work to please my man, the harder he works to please me! The more I let God transform my heart, the less I care what I get in return, and the MORE I get in return! It’s a wonderful beautiful thing. <3
By Missi, April 18, 2009 @ 1:57 pm

And let me add that MY man is not “feeble and insecure in his manhood.” But he has needs, and he sure is grateful when I meet them with joy and selflessness.
By Brenda, April 20, 2009 @ 9:07 am

I love this thread and it’s timely for me to hear again. I fully believe in what’s being said but what IF you don’t have a husband who reciprocates? One who isn’t necessarily in the habit of giving back? I have to admit, right now I’m feeling soooo dried up emotionally. If there are any other women who would be willing to step up and admit that they don’t have a doting, tender, romantic husband I would love to hear how you keep yourselves encouraged?
By Word Warrior, April 20, 2009 @ 9:32 am

Brenda,

Without knowing to what extend your husband “doesn’t reciprocate”, I wanted to offer a few words that helped me…my husband is tender, but I think very few men are actually the “doting, romatic” types we long for.

Sometimes when our expectations change about his expressions of love to us, our attitude changes, and at that point we first begin to see some of our love language spoken.

What I mean is, I have my idea of what my husband should do to show me love–you know, undivided attention and engaging conversation, deep questions meant to search my heart on a regular basic, or fill in the blank for your particular desires.

But so often, he is knocking himself out to express love to me in the only way that comes natural to him–being faithful to work each day, checking the oil in the car, filling the car up with gas so I don’t have to, etc.

If I can lay aside my expectations and dwell on those things he IS doing, my heart becomes full of gratitude, then my words and attitude follow. Before long, he is so enamoured by my show of admiration, that he DOES actually start to be more attentive and giving me more of “my” language.

Does that make any sense?
By Brenda, April 20, 2009 @ 10:21 am

Yes thanks for that Kelly. I totally understand where you’re coming from and I honestly try to implement that loving, serving attitude toward my husband.

I think our circumstances are a little different than some. We own a very busy business (auto repair) and I don’t really think he HAS anything left to give at the end of the day. He deals with people all day…lots of rude, demanding people pulling him in all directions and when he gets home he really doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Understand- I don’t blame him for that- and I let him have his space. I know he needs it and I don’t “expect” anything in return from him.

We also have a farm that eats up any evening and most weekends…it really is constant work. I truly understand how he feels. I spend my days putting out whatever fires I can at the business and at home so he’ll have less to deal with.

I think he wishes he could lighten his load, but it is nearly impossible when you’re the owner/manager of a business. People just refuse to let him have any down time it seems. Our home phone is unlisted…so what do people do? They either call our parents to find out our number or they show up on our doorstep (after business hours) wanting their car fixed or free advice. He is so good at what he does, people demand to deal with him and not our employees or even me.

He is a good man and a good provider- this comment is not about blame or ripping him apart. I guess what I need to know is how to keep myself “fresh” and keep on meeting his needs with a glad heart, knowing realistically that he may never be able to give back.

Maybe our situation is such a rare one that noone is able to offer anything on this?

The solution seems obvious as I read over my own post. He needs to slow down…but that’s easier said than done! We’d sell the business in a heart beat if we thought we could find a buyer AND find a new occupation.
By Word Warrior, April 20, 2009 @ 11:29 am

Brenday,

Oh, I hear exactly what you’re saying…and we deal with that some, and in fact, many men are so geared to provide, that they do just keeping pushing through the demand instead of stopping long enough to assess the big picture to see if there is a feasible way to make life less hectic. They simply don’t feel like they have the time to stop! Especially when you own your own business. We deal with this too

And perhaps, if you discuss your concerns with him, even express that you feel like others are taking all of him and you’re “missing out”, the two of you could begin to think/work toward a logical solution. Often (don’t know if this is your case), a man may not even be aware that his wife feels *lonely*. Not easy, for sure, but where there’s a will, there is truly a way.

Not such earth-shattering advice, but maybe it’s a start.

Looking at different avenues of “passive income” is something we’ve done a lot and have actually come up with a few things here and there that earns us some extra money in an effort to free him up.

And prayer–lots of pouring out to God about what is truly your heart’s desire.
By Rachel Falaschi, April 20, 2009 @ 12:19 pm

Brenda,

I too have dealt with a busy husband who owns a business. My husband recieved some advice from an older, wiser, business man who told him he needs to set his priorities and let others know what they are. When those unexpected calls come after business hours, it is ok to turn them away and ask them to come back or call back when the business is open. He can even explain that this is his family time and would be happy to help when business is open. It may sound harsh to some, but many people will be understanding and probally embarassed that they intruded.

There are other options as well. I don’t know if they may apply to your situation or not, but one of my favorite things to do is go with my husband on errands. Often he has running around to do in the evening, we dress the kids in their PJs, pack them in the car and go with. We have the opportunity to converse or just be together. If there are chores to be done on the farm, doing them together will help them get done faster, and you have the time together as well.

It sounds like you are trying the best you can, now the best option may be to pray that God shows you and him a way. He is the God of the impossible.

God Bless,
Rachel
By Kelly L, April 20, 2009 @ 2:10 pm

Brenda, it sounds as if you are doing an amazing job trying to please the Lord and your husband. I am praying God gives you both a stategy that will help your family.
I know this post is a couple of days old, but may I offer another suggestion to those in a “regular” marriage? Stop watching romance movies or reading romance books. Discontent can run amock from these seeds. I am shocked at the number of Christian women who watch soaps or other TV shows that are all about single people or married people having se***** relationships or affairs. How can our heart be guarded against such false thoughts of what romance is when we watch it with eyes agape? We fail to see our husband’s efforts at romance, oftentimes, because we have our sights set on the ficticious. Just my 2 cents worth.