There are too many overgrown teenagers with heads full of notions, both in and out of the church, claiming their “right” to a woman who will serve them. It’s perfectly understandable outside of the church, but very sad when you see it in the church.
That said, most non-church-going men that I have met (through my son’s kindergarten) are men who take their responsibility as breadwinner seriously. Their wives may work outside of home or not, depending on what they have agreed upon, or the needs of the family, but the men are carrying the main responsibility and it’s visible. They are men who are often seen with their children, who understand the hard work of raising children, and take their wive’s work at home less for granted than some church men.

I have also met very kind, very loving and understanding, more traditionally minded Christian men, who wanted their wives at home, and who would be considered patriarchs (their wives always defer to them), but they were not seen claiming this right. At least I never saw them claim it, instead, they always look at their wives to make sure they are happy with the arrangement.

You can see a marriage where the love and respect flow mutually and it’s beautiful. both sons and daughters of such marriages should need very little training!

“It’s great to teach good manners and chivalry, but don’t forget true honor, the one that esteems his wife as above himself, her needs as above his, her limitations as honorable reasons to go into prayer, with her, about a decision. Etc..”

I agree and have repeatedly express this through posts where I talk about roles in marriage. If a man isn’t demonstrating “loving his wife as himself”, it’s not true patriarchy. It’s selfishness.

My mom always said, if you observe how your boyfriend (or fiance, or prospective husband, whatever you want to call him!) interacts with and treats his mother, you get a fair picture of how he will be treating you in the future.
And she is right.

A young man who listens attentively to his mother and DOES what she says, as much as he listens to his father and does what he says, is showing that he truly honors his mother and his father.
If he expects her to sew his buttons, iron his clothes, make him a meal, and basically serve him hand and foot, that is exactly what he is going to expect from his wife. A maid.
If he hears her out, nods his head, and then brushes it all away because “he knows better”, that is exactly what he is going to do with his wife’s counsel, concerns, etc…

Another person to observe is the father. How does he treat his wife? Because sons will very often do as their father did, like daughters will do as their mother did. Even if they may loathe what their parents did, they still can’t really help it unless they purposefully choose to actively do the opposite!

So, while I agree with the points you want to teach your sons, (even if I think spiritual leadership is shared in marriage, but I won’t start a debate!), I believe it’s very important to check the way we treat our spouse, knowing that our children are going to pick up on that and repeat it, unconsciously, and also teach them to treat others (including spouse) the way they want to be treated.

It’s ok to teach your son to be a leader, but a Christlike one, one who understands leadership as becoming a servant first.

It’s great to teach good manners and chivalry, but don’t forget true honor, the one that esteems his wife as above himself, her needs as above his, her limitations as honorable reasons to go into prayer, with her, about a decision. Etc…

I say this because the Complementarian-patriarchal teaching of marriage seems to place a lot of emphasis on leadership=decision maker, teacher of the word, etc… Often forgetting Jesus’ words regarding leadership: becoming the lowliest of servants.

I’m sharing this because I have been burnt by those teachings. I have a husband who brushes my concerns away, and I should have seen it coming. He ignores his mother’s concern, even if he hears her out and it looks like he is really listening.
He is a “good man”. He is caring, understanding, a great listener, etc… but he still does whatever he wants, whenever he wants to. He knows best. And he lets me shoulder burdens that ought to be his (like the issue with medical insurance, which we don’t have, and he should be doing everything in his power to provide, because it’s illegal not to have one).

He was taught to be the leader. That he has the last word in the home. He knows how to conduct excellent Bible studies. His father will pray that God will give ME wisdom to counsel my husband, but he has taught him to brush that counsel away, unless it suits him. Basically, unless I’m telling him how to better achieve what he wants, my counsel is “not from the Lord”.

I agree with those who have said it’s very valuable to teach children to start small. Delayed gratification instead of getting into debt to get what you want NOW. I don’t think they have to own a home. That’s just not realistic for most young people today, and completely debt free, as Breathing Grace said, is not possible for many professionals until much later in life.
I think it’s important to teach them to make wise investments, take their time, and save up for things rather than use credit cards.
AND to prioritize. Oh dear… that one is SO important! What’s more important, a roof over your head and paid bills, or a new car?

Lastly, what about teaching them to make decisions on their own and be responsible for the outcome? Men have to leave father and mother and cleave to their wives. Many boys are not being allowed to live with the consequences of their bad decisions. Daddy and mommy come to the rescue, and they remain like little children. Allowing them to make a mistake here or there is not a bad idea.

Sorry for the length of this post… I’m happy to see people addressing the need to train our children to be good spouses, even if I may not agree 100% with what they believe constitutes a “good spouse”.

Oh, and I agree with involving one’s parents or other godly friends in the process of choosing a mate, and waiting until one is completely sure before making “I love you” statements or getting emotionally close.

When I was a senior in high school, most of the young men were drafted for the Vietnam war. There used to be deferrments for married men, so lots of them got married right away! Also deferremnts for fathers, so lots of them after they got married had children right away. And deferrments for ministers, farmers, or students, so people scrambled to do those things if they could!

Then they did away with deferrments and went to a lottery draft. Most of us wondered if we should wait to get married until they got back from Vietnam (why be widowed young?) or marry right away, so that at least we could be married and possibly have children to remember them by if they should be killed in action.

My husband enlisted just before his draft number came up, and we married. I was 17. I wouldn’t have stayed at home, single. My father was drunk a lot and beat me up once.

Well, we got stationed in Germany and saw Europe. Interesting how our lives turn out. Back then because of the war, young men didn’t have much control over their lives. My high school history teacher was snatched by the draft just a week before he turned 26 and had to suspend his career for a couple of years.

Life is so different for younger people now. They have more control over their lives and more opportunities, as you say. My husband and I have been married 39 years.

My husband and I will not have a mortgage home (we will likely rent for a long, long time), but by putting our savings in wise places we can seek to help the next generation be home owners without a mortgage. It has to start somewhere!

Still enjoying the series very much, Kelly.

Really? What if a son doesn’t get married until he is 30 or older? You still want him at home?