I AM in Love
A while back I got an email asking me to talk a little about how to prepare sons for marriage using the courtship model. We certainly have no experience yet, but we are striving to prepare our children’s hearts to think biblically about marriage, and to preserve themselves for the one God has for them.
Of course there must be the disclaimer: the word “courtship” means different things to different people. It really isn’t a definitive word. But for lack of a better one, I’m using it to refer to a more biblical approach to marriage–the opposite of “recreational dating”.
Every family who practices courtship looks different, perhaps feels differently and has different ideas of how it is to be played out. Still, many of us (and more all the time) agree that the current system of finding a spouse is having horrible results, both during the dating time and in the marriage itself.
So, the next few days will center around the ideas behind a different approach to marriage. No rules about how it’s done per se, but some things to think about. (By the way, I feel strongly that the father is to be the primary facilitator in this process, so I would encourage you to let him read these posts as well 
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Meet the Wallers. I met the Wallers 3 years ago. They came to our home and spoke to a group about their ministry in Israel. The Wallers are a unique family in every way. You know that just by looking at them. Even to the most conservative, they are an intriguing family.
Years ago, they left a very “normal”, fast-paced, corporate life and moved out into the country to “live off the grid”. They go back and forth between the states and Israel, where the heart of their ministry lies.
I’ve never met anyone like them before. I’ve never seen such joy, absolute freedom, contentment, honesty, passion and love for every person they meet all wrapped up in one family. You can’t meet them and not be affected. Christ’s love oozes out of them.
This is a sneak peak of a documentary about their first son’s betrothal and marriage (they don’t practice courtship, but a model very closely defined by the Hebraic tradition.) I thought it would be fun to see something so uniquely wonderful.
For those interested, here is a brief film on the Waller’s Journey Home…
Tags: dating & courtship, family/parenting
dating/courtship, family/parenting | Word Warrior | 
August 16, 2009 8:00 pm
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Kelly, I saw this wonderful family on “The Journey Home” documentary put out by Franklin Springs Family Media. Their faith and life journey are inspiring in how they responded to God’s calling! You’re right. Christ’s love is so evident in the way they live, speak and worship! Thank you for sharing this!
The Waller family’s work in Israel is somewhere very near where we live, and it would be exciting to meet them one day, I think.
Oh, this is one of my all time favourite topics of discussion (although I agree the word courtship has been taken into the liberal arena, too)! Trusting God for future spouses vs. recreational dating is something that needs to be discussed alot more than it is now. The family that is introduced here seems to have a great outlook and approach. I look forward to more!
Wow. That family continues to amaze me. First the West Ladies and now the Wallers. It’s hard not to envy you.
Thank you for sharing. I can’t wait to see the video.
Thanks for another view on this word “courtship.” Like you, we do not yet know what it will look like (Nikki is 9), but we know it will be Holy and Pure as we are called to be. It will focus on the hearts more than it will focus on the rules/acceptable guidelines. I think the danger that lies ahead for us would be that my husband and I would be tempted to lose the focus on WHY we were lead to do this. To teach our daughter to live in purity, holiness and faithfulness to the Lord primarily. That He is the only one worthy to hold her heart in its entirty until He gives her her husband. I don’t want this to become a religion in that we focus on the cans and cannots instead of the heart toward God. Because God cares about the matters of the heart(in that obedience is better than sacrifice) more than the following of the rules and I don’t want to blow it. Sorry to take up so much room…can you tell I have been thinking about this a lot? And how disturbing is that? She is nine! OK, enough from me. Thanks, Kelly
Kelly L.,
Actually you’re right to be thinking about it this early…one of the sites I’ll be linking to suggests beginning to discuss and prepare your children as early as 8
It’s certainly not something we can just “surprise” them with…so, you’re on the right track!
Kelly,
Thank you so much for covering this topic. My oldest son is ten, and my husband and I want to work with him and his brothers in developing a passion for God’s created order in marriage. Therefore, we know we must start now. Like Kelly L., I do not want sons who are outwardly obedient and yet harvesting a defiant heart. I am truly excited that you decided to share the wisdom you have gleaned from other godly men and women on this issue.
God Bless,
Karen
When is this movie coming out? Where can I find it?
Sarah,
It will be available in the fall at http://www.thirdawn.com
I loved the Hebrew traditions.
Oh wow! That looks sooo neat. Enthralling.
I doubt our children’s courtships will look like that (given their parents personalities, lol), but I tell you, if our children were looking to marry someone and their family wanted such a courtship, I would participate joyfully. I would be thrilled to see a child of mine marry into a family like that.
One thing this made me think of…I wish more families could get together and fellowship without separating on the little stuff like what style of jumper we should wear or whether we “court” or “betroth”. I think if we could respect each other’s convictions, and maintain our own, but also be willing to consider that our children don’t have to follow every one of the 100 little rules we have in order to be a Godly person, the “problem” of finding a life mate wouldn’t be such a problem. For instance, I will never join the River Brethren church, though I love my friends there. There is some hurt/fear involved from my background that they have nothing to do with, but which makes me leary of written rules and tight communities. *However*, we intend to send our sons to their youth conferences starting the first year they’re old enough because I can think of no safer environment to study the Word and fellowship with other young folk, and if a child of mine finds a Godly young lady there, and decides that he wants to grow a long beard and wear suspenders and be part of that community, I would be absolutely thrilled.
And knowing that group, if a young lady of theirs wanted to marry a son of mine and they attended a different church, it wouldn’t devastate the parents so long as they saw their daughter being led by a Godly young man and following Biblical principals, even if it was a little different in style.
Oh my goodness! That was beautiful!
I loved the Shofar, the Hebraic dancing, etc etc
I cannot wait to see this.
I am looking forward to your posts about courtship.
are they Messianic Jews? I’ve seen their movie, but it didn’t say that they were. But all the Hebraic traditions and “Yeshua” talk makes me think they are. Do you know? I’ve been researching that a lot recently and find it very interesting.
Bethany,
They are not MJ that I know of. I’m not sure I know how to explain why they embrace so many of the customs…they talked about it some, but it left me a little confused. I need to ask some of our other friends who know them a little better.
I find this (almost humerous) irony at the juxtaposition of Mark Driscoll and the Waller family in the last posts. They could not be more polar opposite in their cultural identification: MD who seems very immersed in the the cultural standard to “be all things to all people” and the Wallers who seem completely removed and rejecting of the cultural standard. Very interesting. Both families have their own ministries within their preferences. I cannot help but wonder which family is having a great impact regarding the salvatoin of souls? Please know this is not at all a judgement, but truly an honest observation. I’m sure that the Wallers would be very rejecting of MD’s approach and vice versa, but you cannot deny the God-seeking-heart of both “sides.” Anyway, just an observation. I think a very redeeming thing to this is that as the Body of Christ we should be able to see the value and true calling of both of these families, while they look sooooo very different, and approach ministry so differently. Really shows how God does work within the Kingdom to reach ALL of the Kingdom! And, perhaps will lend itself to reminding us to not be so harsh with our judgements on those who don’t pursue Kingdom work quite the way we do.
Hi Kelly, I’m curious – what would be yours and Aaron’s response to one of your children rejecting the courtship model and deciding to ‘date’? Do you present your children with a choice as to how to go about finding a spouse, or do you make it clear that it must be a family-involved process? Please don’t misunderstand my question here as it really is a genuine enquiry. The problem with computers is you can’t see facial expressions or hear tones of voice!
Sarah,
No, we don’t present a choice. We are quite emphatic about the “destructive” model of recreational dating, feeling as strongly about it as other destructive habits and treating it the same.
Interestingly, (and only one of my children would be considered dating age by society), they all think it’s very weird that young people date with no purpose. None of their friends do, so for them, dating is the weird thing, and courtship is normal
It’s all about perspective. (BTW, this is precisely the issue that caused us to start homeschooling…we knew their peers would largely determine what is “normal” in their lives.)
I think it’s funny that the father pointed out that “there’s proof that dating doesn’t work.” Well, conversely, there’s little proof that courtship works! The jury is out, it’s a very new concept among Christian families.
Personally, I would not want to be marrying someone I knew so vaguely. I’m not saying that intimacy is mandatory before marriage, but time alone, time to get to know each other without a family around – those things seem important. I’m not a big fan, frankly. I’d rather raise my children to know wrong from right and with the ability to discriminate than step in that much.
Teresa,
Your comments are common, and really reveal a misunderstanding about both the concept and its realities.
First, courtship itself is not new–dating is new, only 80-100 years old. Before that, by and large, parents were involved in their child’s choice of a spouse and the practice resembled something much closer to what Christians are now practicing as courtship.
Secondly, courtship doesn’t prevent a couple from getting to know each other (and btw, many couples do spend time alone together). In fact, as opposed to dating, courtship allows the couple to examine each other in “real” settings–namely, among their own families. In a dating relationship, you can really be who you want to be for a long time, masking a lot of undesirable traits in all that “alone time”.
But when couples are sharing their lives together, interacting with families in more realistic circumstances, you get to know a person a whole lot better. (I fooled my husband for a long time, lol! Sometimes I wonder if he would have married me once all my “realness” was exposed.)
You can raise your children to know wrong from right but if “everyone” is condoning a system that is harmful, it will be perceived as right.
Teresa, I too would rather raise children I trust than to try to micro-manage their lives, and possibly set them up with the wrong person just because *I* liked the person.
Although I’m not personally a fan of “recreational dating,” that was all that was offered to me at the time, as my parents were not aware of the “courtship model.”
However, I never “hid” anything from my perspective husband. During the 7 to 8 years that we were friends before we officially dated, we were quite honest and open with one another. This was one reason why we stayed together SO long because we realized the “phoniness” of other “couples” and certain individuals who liked to “pretend” with each other.
At any rate, regardless of my depression and other “oddities,” he never lost interest in me, and still married me, depression and “oddities” and all. I did likewise for him. As a result, we pretty much “knew” who we were marrying before we got married. There were no “big time surprises” after we both said, “I Do.”
Honesty and being real with another person is the key to a lasting relationship, regardless of how you “date” or “court” someone. We have to remember that individuals can “pretend” in all kinds of situations regardless of the environment. So, although I am all in favor of a “better way” besides the standard “recreational dating” madness, I am sure that the “courting method” is not totally perfect and flawless.
P.S. Kelly: I hope this post doesn’t sound too harsh. I’m sorry if it does. It’s “that time of the month” and I tend to be a little grouchy bug during this time. Sorry.
Mrs. W.,
You, too, I’m afraid, are talking of things you don’t understand. COurtship doesn’t “set children up” with someone they don’t like. I would prefer you not even make accusations like that because you leave other people thinking that may actually be true! Learn a little about it, and then make an informed comment. Or just ask questions. But don’t make declarative statements that aren’t true.
Lady Sophia,
You’re absolutely right that this “model” is not flawless. In fact, I hate referring to it as a word or model or anything for that reason.
The way I think about it is, we don’t want to decide on something because of it’s “statistics”, although the horrible dating stats certainly reinforce that it’s a bad system.
We want to pursue something because it is right. So, we must ask ourselves what is “right” concerning our grown children pursuing marriage? Maybe we’re still working out the kinks, but we sure know what *isn’t* right
Well, that’s not really fair, Kelly. I’m very familiar with a few courtship models. My cousins – five of them – were married via courtships very much like the ones you describe. Two are now separated. Three are still married, although they don’t seem terribly happy, they ARE married. Now what I observed is that (and I’m not saying this is always true) a romantic fantasy can be swiftly spun around the unknown. Once the boy asked to court, the girl spun a fantasy through emails and letters. Because they nearly never spent time alone. I’m talking about one single afternoon walk alone! (Although to be fair, one couple did have dinner together in a public restaurant a couple of times. But they stopped that quickly when someone saw them holding hands.) The family time took over, and one cousin who is separated admitted that she felt sort of railroaded by her family’s fondness for her husband. She was only 19 at the time. She felt her father knew better than she did, but everyone forgot that her father wasn’t going to live with him!
I don’t blame anyone for wanting to guide their children. We all do. But I am forced to admit that the idea of the girl as a “precious gift” to be bestowed upon the man from father to husband doesn’t sit well with me. These are two grown people, and this is not the 18th Century. I hope my daughter has a strong faith and the intelligence to value herself. She is capable of knowing right from wrong regardless of what society might think. I think meeting a boy and having pizza and going to a movie is no sin. That’s just my opinion, of course.
Hmm ask all the women in marriages that their daddies arranged through courtship that they are miserable in whether they were “set up” or not. They’ll say yes. I haven’t said anything untrue, and I’m sorry that you see any criticism of what you believe as someone speaking without knowledge just because you think this is marvellous.
I’ve learned plenty about courtship, and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have a friend in a courtship relationship right now and it is all a pretense because she wants to be married so bad that she will marry the wrong one just to do it. I mean, they don’t agree on ANYTHING. But they both give the right answers to her dad so that they can stay together.
I hope my children will grow up to be trustworthy and not need to chaperoned all the time. If we can’t trust our kids, are they ready for marriage anyway? I doubt it.
Kelly,
My husband and I discussed this very thing this morning.
I asked him if he would like it if I would have gotten to know (then I named a bunch of men we both know) before I had gotten to know him. That’s the biggest American reason for dating before marriage…so teens can ‘get to know’ each other)…..
He was disgusted at the very thought and I would be as well with the question turned around.
Teresa,
I simply responded to your comment…you said,
“Personally, I would not want to be marrying someone I knew so vaguely.”
Even though you know somebody who went through a courtship process, this statement doesn’t reveal most families that have embraced it. That’s why I said you misunderstand it. Maybe it’s more accurate to say you’ve had a limited view through one or two familiy’s practices.
You mention you hope your daughter has enough “strong faith and intelligence” to value herself when it comes to dating.
Here’s the big problem with that kind of thinking…I consider myself a woman of faith and considerable intelligence. I am married. My husband and I have some pretty strict “barriers” in our marriage concerning the opposite sex NOT because we’re not intelligent, or don’t trust each other or don’t have a strong faith, but because we are human, and every human is prone to weakness when he places himself in situations full of temptation. (Much less an unmarried, less mature couple.)
I don’t expect my daughter to “hang out” with some guy for long periods of time by herself, (in the dark, at the movies,in the car, etc.) anymore than I would do that with someone else. (And I even have a stronger deterrent–marriage–to prevent me from doing anything inappropriate.)
What we’re talking about here is NOT parents who don’t trust children, or don’t ever let them get to know each other. We’re simply rejecting the culture’s idea of being intimate with a dozen guys before you’re even ready to consider marriage.
(And we need to consider the statistics on how many “Christian” young people are no longer virgins or are behaving immorally in their relationships. That alone should make us clamor for something else, even if the “something else” is not perfect.)
Mrs. W.,
I answered your “trust” comment in my comment to Teresa. (Basically, married people are to guard against temptation…how much more unmarried, less mature ones?)
As far as “all the people you know in courship” that are miserable??? I’m wondering if you need to expand your circle of friends. I mean that sincerely. When we talk of homeschooling, you say that “everyone you know” who homeschools has some terrible problem, and now the same with all the ones who are practicing courtship…I know plenty of couples also, and almost everyone one of them are doing great and have wonderful marriages.
And as I mentioned to someone yesterday…we shouldn’t necessarily be basing our decisions on “what works”, but rather, what is right.
Mrs Kelly, if it is right it is going to work. There is nowhere in the Bible that tells us that God’s way is courtship. It’s something we’ve made up so we don’t have to let our adult children be intelligent and responsible adults.
I hope I do not come across disprectiful to those who disagree; I am very passionate about this topic so my words can be stronger than I mean them to be sometimes
Teresa,
One comment you made was a bit disturbing to me (assuming you are a Christian):
“But I am forced to admit that the idea of the girl as a “precious gift” to be bestowed upon the man from father to husband doesn’t sit well with me.”
Marriage is, for Christians, supposed to be the picture of Christ and his bride, the church. If we didn’t look anywhere else in Scripture for how we are to handle marriage, this one picture is enough to dispel the comment you made…
“I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.” 2 Corinthians 11:2
It is indeed a father’s role to “present a spotless bride” to her husband. The model was explicit in the OT, and continues right through the NT with an even more vivid picture. When fathers fail to protect their “spotless brides” we mar the very picture of Christ and His church.
It has nothing to do with 1800…it goes back much farther
Mrs. W.,
You continue to amaze me with your reckless comments, lol! Please refrain from further discussion if you can’t dialogue without bitterness and making unruly accusations against those seeking to honor the Lord. It’s just not pleasant.
You may be surprised what the Bible says. Refer to the comment I just left Teresa, and see which “model” best fits the biblical insight we are given….
Mrs W – “It’s something we’ve made up”
If a person made it up, I’d like to nominate him/her for a Nobel Peace prize.
hmmm…I am friends with a church group in which courtship is their standard. My friends are *happyhappyhappy* with their husbands and their many babies.
My closest friend did not so much as hold hands with her husband until after they’d been pronounced man and wife. They did not go out alone, and when they were getting to know each other, they were in a room alone, but with the doors wide open. There is no reason for a couple to hide away from the world unless they’re wanting to do or say something they’d be ashamed for others to see. And you will never meet a more quiet, deep, abiding, joyful love than they have.
The problem is not that courtship jams two strangers together and tells them to just make it work. That problem may happen with particular families. But then, is it really courting? I think there are many styles of courtship that differ from family to family. Yes, we can get in trouble with being legalistic.
But I know for sure that my children can’t “get in trouble” by avoiding things like early dating, running around with the opposite gender, having little accountability, having hearts broken again and again, experiencing kissing (or more) with multiple people, etc. I know for sure that the “Bible’s way” mandates maturity, purity, accountability, respect for parents and their guidance, and values dedication and committment over mushy “feeeelings”. Looks like courtship to me, though perhaps people would do those same things and call it “dating”.
Mrs W.
“I have a friend in a courtship relationship right now and it is all a pretense because she wants to be married so bad that she will marry the wrong one just to do it. I mean, they don’t agree on ANYTHING. But they both give the right answers to her dad so that they can stay together.”
Your friend is not courting. She is lying. How can you blame the courtship model or her parents for what she is doing?
It is no different than a more typical American girl picking a bad guy and insisting on marrying him, even knowing he’s a drunk, violent, irresponsible pig, but she loooooves him and wants to be married.
Courtship is not the problem in the example you gave. It’s deception that is the problem. I feel sorry for her parents who are going to be watching the aftermath of her very bad decision with broken hearts. And of course they will be blamed, and probably God will be blamed, and she will be a “victim of a wicked horrible no-good partiarchy”.
Margaret,
Very well said–thank you.
Any word on when the documentary is coming?
Thanks.
To God be all glory,
Lisa of Longbourn
Hi all, as a young lady who is not married, I can tell you that I very much want my father involved in dating/courting/whatever you want to call it. I don’t feel micromanaged at all. In fact, I feel protected! I have been in a relationship with a young man & wanted the courtship, while he was used to dating. I don’t regret anything in our relationship, but know that God did not mean for us to marry, but rather to grow spiritually. A relationship is not a failure if it does not end up in marriage, if it brings the people involved closer to God. All that to say, I find this story a beautiful picture of how God romances us.