Comments on: Marriage Problem #2: Courtesy, or Not

By: Brandi

Brandi — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 17:19:26 +0000

I grew up in a home of strife and fighting almost constantly. My parents never seemed to have a kind word for each other. Sometimes, there was a violent end to the argument. Our home always seemed to be stressful. (In their defense, they too, where raised in battle grounds. My mother’s folks are still bitterly battling it out in their senior years. They are more cruel now to each other then before.)
This way of living created bitterness between my little sister and I. We would argue and fight over the smallest of things. We where not close as teens!
I moved out at an early age, trying to escape the constant battling. I married at twenty-one to a very kind hearted man. His upbringing was not one of arguement and chaos. Not perfect but his parents respected each other.
Our first couple years of marriage, I was a monster to live with. Any little thing would set me off. I would say the most hurtful thing I could think of because that’s all I knew. I had so much venome in me, leftovers from my angry chidhood. I thank God for giving me a patient husband. I finally realized what I was doing. I cried and prayed for God’s refinement. Gradually over the years, He has changed my heart. It took hard work on my part to get control over my sarcastic tongue.
I am thankful to say we have a peaceful and loving home. My children will never know arguing and fighting in our home. As a result, they are very loving toward each other.
My sister and I have formed the bond as adults, that was never there as children. She has suffered a failed marriage because she really never understood what marriage is supposed to be. She tells me, she hopes for a marraige like mine. We really have come a long way!
Sadly, my parents divorced after twenty-seven years of fighting.

I (prayerfully) remember to keep a smile on my face and a kind word on my tongue each day. Kindness goes a long way!!

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Sun, 15 Nov 2009 01:41:40 +0000

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By: Dana

Dana — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 03:58:18 +0000

Funny about the differences with husbands being home all day! I never really thought about that. My husband and I (only 3 years married) are both full-time grad students, so some semesters we have opposite schedules and never see each other until late at night (we literally passed on the sidewalk going and coming one term…) or like this semester, we are both in class at the same times and home together all day several days a week. I guess retirement won’t be such an adjustment for us. I do agree that being courteous to each other is essential. Fortunately we were great friends for several years before we got together.

By: Sara

Sara — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:50:14 +0000

I agree with this 100% being kind is such a lost art. I know I need to work on it.

By: Quinn

Quinn — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 01:34:24 +0000

I really appreciated this post Kelly. I struggle with a bad attitude and critical tongue but particularly now when I’m expecting another baby. I know that I’m too easily provoked and I often overreact and am rash when it isn’t warranted. Thank you for the encouragement to try harder!

By: Mary at Civilla's Cyber Cafe

Mary at Civilla's Cyber Cafe — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:07:25 +0000

Yes, having a husband at home all day, Cottage Child, was a challenge for me. He is part-time/retired (that is his official status) at our church, and does his sermons from home, and I go with him on hospital, home, nursing home and assisted living center visits. So, we’re literally together 24/7.

At first, it was hard, because, yes, they take over the home and tell you how to manage the home better, re-arrange everything in a (to them) more suitable manner, etc. The hardest thing was having him take over the grocery shopping (I go with him, but he decides pretty much what we buy).

I don’t know how I managed to run the home for thirty-plus years before this!!! I especially miss doing my own marketing. Before, I always cooked and cleaned and washed and ironed to please him, of course, but that is different than having it completely taken over. The shopping cart is loaded with things I wouldn’t necessarily buy.

I have been told by ladies older than myself to learn to enjoy it, and as talks with my husband about this (we do enjoy great communication) have failed to produce a change, I have learned to submit to it and see the good.

Today, we just got a new vacuum cleaner. I let him pick it out, since he does the vacuum cleaning anyway. Stuff like that, I’ve had to let him just make the decision. I hate to vacuum anyway.

We had a big tussle over whether or not the Tupperware cereal storers (which I didn’t want but he thought were necessary) needed to be washed or not between boxes of cereal. I said they did; he said they didn’t. I won on that one (Rice Krispies don’t taste right when they’ve been put in a container that previously held Fruit Loops). Stuff like that.

But, I do like having his company all the time, and he enjoys mine, so I’ve just let him have his way on this stuff (except for the cereal storers not being washed).

I remember my in-laws going through the stages of their marriage.

By: Tricia

Tricia — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 21:59:43 +0000

Don’t worry, Kelly. I thought maybe that’s what you meant. Thanks for answering, though!

By: the cottage child

the cottage child — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 21:15:13 +0000

Mary, that is such a great reminder. We are still raising small children and husband is working, but I remember when his work life moved home, and I nearly lost my religion. I always thought of him as strong and sure and invincible in his work life, and when I learned that men struggle with “how in the daylights am I gonna pull this off”, you could say it got on my nerves. Or worse. (Throw in when he tried to tell me better ways to do housework.) I’m such a prize, let me tell you. He always does pull it off, more than that he’s rewarded well for the extra effort he gives, but having him around more and getting to know him better – I hadn’t prepared for that . (and I still have to bite my tongue when he leaves his socks on the floor – that never seems to change. At least now it’s under his desk instead of the middle of the living room.)

All to say it’s easy to see how getting closer can cause significant friction, and it pays to be aware. Thanks for the heads up.

By: Michele

Michele — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 21:04:50 +0000

Wow; I didn’t know you knew my parents LOL… miserable way to grow up, witnessing that behavior (& worse), & not a good way to prepare for marriage. It’s been 19-1/2 yrs for me & I’m still learning, but God is using me to break the old patterns (as I learn; I’m kinda slow…)

By: Word Warrior

Word Warrior — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 21:03:36 +0000

Tricia,

LOL! Oh dear, I see how that reads and that is not what I meant at all. I’m veiling their identity because of their relationship to me, I merely wanted to mention for the sake of the post that they are Christians. Better re-read that!