“After arriving home from my abortion all I could do was cry and long for my empty womb to be filled again with the child I had just aborted. Once in the shower I would cry uncontrollably asking God to forgive me for what I had done and beg Him to give me my baby back. This went on for months. Finally one day I distinctly heard, “I forgive you, you need to forgive yourself”.
It was through this pain that Jesus started to reach my heart. I heard a story about a man who went to church, but had never accepted Jesus as his Savior. This testimony played over and over in my mind and I started thinking about giving my life to Christ. I was so drawn to doing it, but felt scared wondering what He would make me do and give up. Finally one day I told Jesus that my life was His. It was a decision that I have never come to regret. I started to read the bible, but didn’t like it. I didn’t understand it or know where to start, but I made myself do it. Eventually the Scriptures started to make sense and I fell in love with the Word of God; it started to transform me. Jesus showed me that my husband was not the only one to blame for our marital problems and that I needed to work on myself.
One change I made was that I no longer argued with my husband when he went out; instead I immersed myself in the bible and would cover him with prayer. One night I prayed to Jesus and said, “If You will save my husband and my marriage I will get out of the way and go through whatever it takes”. Jesus quickly started working in favor of my prayer. That was August 2009. Also that month my husband asked me to remove my IUD. With some reservations I decided to remove it and I told God that if He ever decided to give me another baby I would never abort it no matter the circumstances.
We got the news that we were being relocated back to where we moved from before. I begged God not to send us back there. Despite my objections we moved. My husband‘s addictions were pulling him farther away from me. Two days after we moved, through a fluke that was obviously God orchestrated, I got to witness firsthand what my husband was truly involved in regarding women. I had a friend offer to move the kids and me into her home. While my husband was at work we moved out. I was devastated as were my children. We moved into a tiny bedroom, but it was perfect for us to cuddle, cry and pray for their dad. My moving only fueled his alcoholism even though he constantly asked me to move back. We only stayed gone a little over 2 weeks.
Once home the same problems returned. I constantly listened to church messages, read the bible, sought counsel, and stayed in prayer to maintain my walk with Jesus and my sanity. I read the story of Saul being changed to Paul in Acts 9 and it really spoke to me. I prayed regularly, “Lord, if You could change Saul, a murder of Christians, to Paul then You can change my husband.” I believed this in my heart.
Things got much harder before they got better. I asked the Lord if he would show me for certain. I asked Him to have my husband say he wanted to get marital counseling through the church. In no way did I ever imagine him saying this. Low and behold he said it without any prodding, hints or suggestions. I immediately started crying, not because I was happy but because I knew the Lord wanted me to stay and it was going to be hard. I silently prayed asking Jesus to take the pain away regarding everything my husband had done so I could stay, and He did! I was able to love my husband without that pain.
We did go to church and a few counseling sessions, but he didn’t like what he heard. Every Sunday I would invite him to church, he would say no and I would try to leave happy and come home happy. I started to receive persecution for my faith from him. The Holy Spirit strengthened me to love my husband and do His will. Days where I felt that he didn’t deserve it I would say to myself, “Lord, he doesn’t deserve it but I am doing this for you”. Through it all I would hold onto 1 Peter 3. One day I had enough and I decided I was going to divorce him. I felt in my heart Jesus saying, “That is your will not Mine”. In January 2010 I became pregnant with our daughter.
Things started to spiral quickly for him. One night while out drunk he got beat up. Soon after he had his car impounded for driving on a suspended license. He decided that he was going to take all of our money to get the car out. I told him that if he did that we would have no money for food. He said he knew that and asked me to take him to get the car. I had to hold onto trusting the Lord for our needs and keep the promise that I made to Jesus to get out of the way and go through whatever. I took him and he drove away on a suspended license. Next he got fired from his job. It was during this time that God started to reach him. He decided to attend a free Jeremy Camp concert with me and really enjoyed it. But the behavior continued.
He ended up missing our son’s birthday from being drunk, just as he had my birthday and our other son’s. Also, he had gone to that same girl’s house who he was involved with during my pregnancy. I didn’t want my children to hurt anymore and I finally had peace in my heart to let go. When he came home and I told him it was over. I was heading to church and he asked if he could go. I said if he wanted to go he could get there himself (believing this was manipulation). I left and on my way home I saw him heading towards church. I couldn’t believe it! He came home from church and I suggested he go into a rehab program. To my surprise he agreed and said he was ready to go into a Christian drug and alcohol restoration program. He was concerned about how we would make it financially while he was in the program since he was the bread winner. I told him not to worry about it, that God would provide (which He did miraculously). We checked him in and it was there that he surrendered his life to Jesus Christ! It was there that Jesus took his alcohol addiction, sexual addiction and cigarette addiction away! That was in June of 2010. I never left his side as I saw that my husband was being transformed just as Saul had been to Paul!
I always loved the song Amazing Grace, but now the words have meaning to my husband and I that resonate throughout our very souls…Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. Thank You Jesus for saving these two wretches! All glory and honor to our Savior!”