Going Green God’s Way: The Environmental Irony of a Large Family

Every now and then I suppose it’s fun to get to hear my southern accent and see first hand why I prefer to write instead of speak

I recorded this video about 3 years ago (Kyla, the baby is now 4) but decided to resurrect it.

Here is my disclaimer:

“I forgot to make the point with the divorce statistics that it is true that the more children a couple has, the more likely they are to remain together.

Of course there are exceptions–this is a “blanket observation”, primarily to point out the irony of the typical environmentalist’s gripe with large families, and not to be taken specifically for all families…not all large families are resourceful, and many single people are very resourceful. That, of course, is not the point.” 

Worldview of Children: Our View Does Change the World

Fertility is a tricky thing…most consider it a private issue with little consequence except how it will affect their own family vacations (unless you encounter a family with more than three children, and then you’re allowed to prod into their sex lives …but I digress).

However, it is my particular opinion that NOTHING changed our culture and the face of Christianity as much as our changed worldview of children. NOTHING. (Try your mind at the “connect-the-dots” related to our view of children. I won’t get to it in this post; perhaps another day.)

And for that reason, I also believe it is our urgent duty to challenge each other, in the body of Christ, to consider our worldview here.

Your worldview shapes every decision you make. Everyone has a worldview, whether consciously or not. If you don’t deliberately form your worldview around the principles and laws of God’s Word, you will take the default view of the culture and that will shape your life choices. For a Christian, that is very serious. “Do not love the world or anything in the world”.

A worldview refers to the framework of ideas and beliefs through which we interpret the world and interact with it.  A worldview describes a consistent (to a varying degree) and integral sense of existence and provides a framework for generating, sustaining, and applying knowledge. (From Wikipedia)

Regarding children, the fundamental questions must be answered for us to form a correct worldview. Who creates life? What is their purpose?  What is our purpose?

And we begin to unravel that...that our purpose here, according to Jesus, is DYING daily, leading those whom the Lord has given us to Life, serving and teaching them to serve–the essence of bringing a lost world to know Christ…then our worldview will get turned upside down and it will change everything!

Think about how little our culture’s punch list for life has to do with the few things with which we are charged from Scripture? I would even challenge you to stop here, and make a list with two columns. “What society expects of me and my children” and “What the Lord has asked of me and my children”.

We ask the wrong questions when we get tangled in things like, “Is it right or wrong for a Christian to use birth control?”

That question can have important implications in sorting through a biblical view of children, but if often leads to wrangling over words.

The important thing is simply our starting place. When our thoughts chase after His thoughts (“Your thoughts are not my thoughts, says the Lord…”), we allow Him to guide our choices instead of assuming the status quo.

We start with the job we were given on this earth…”to wash feet”, essentially. Doesn’t that encompass nearly everything Jesus commanded?

And we work our way from there.

Children are given to us as gifts, as tools, as a heritage, as added numbers to His church, and as a means by which we are changed, challenged and formed more into the Lord’s image. Children are His people, showing us the keys to Heaven (“unless you become like a little child…”) He knows. Christians cannot make light of turning fertility on and off like a faucet. Children are not for us. They are not for displaying and showcasing. They are His “to do and to will of His good pleasure”. May we be honored to serve as vessels, ushering them into the world and then immersing them in His love.

Do Large Families Burden Older Children?

(I wrote this about a year and half ago and though long, some needed food for thought, I think. Enjoy!)

The following comment on the post, “Divine Appointment:  Babies are a Part of the Gospel Picture” is a common concern and one I thought deserved its own post to accurately handle the different aspects of the issue (a little longer than usual, but needful to cover each point):

“I agree with you that the church should grow both biologically and not-biologically. I also believe that large families are beautiful, but I have a concern here.

I have realized that in very large families like Duggarts or Wissmans, the ones who de facto are taking care of the little ones are not the parents but the older siblings, including the schooling part. The parents are too busy because of having such a large family.

So, what is the point of having so many children if you cannot take care of them personally and have to put them in the hands of others -even if they are the siblings?…”

The Right Starting Point

I want to first address what I believe is our “starting point error”.  Notice the question:  “What is the point in having so many children”? which presumes that couples who give their fertility to the Lord have a motive other than just believing it is His domain and should be left to His sovereignty.  The “point” isn’t ours to figure out; God does with His creation what He wills and that is enough. The only point is what these couples feel is obedience to God. (By the way, very few families will have as many children as the Duggars, so we’re really talking about a hypothetical to use them as an example.)

Which brings me to the next point:  are we basing our decisions regarding life on pragmatism rather than principle or wisdom?

Conviction vs. Pragmatism

A couple who believes that God is the author of life and therefore the sovereign authority over when/how many/how often life is to come, doesn’t need to think about how that will play out practically. It isn’t irresponsible to obey what one feels is a directive from Scripture without thought of the outcome. (George Mueller comes to mind–a man who took thousands of orphans in, never turning one away, when often there was no food for the next meal.)

For example, if I have a conviction/belief that I am to honor my marriage vows, “for better or for worse”, I don’t take a pragmatic approach, drawing up a contract that allows me to recant in the case that financial hardship gets “too hard”.  I honor my vows with zero thought to whether or not we would be better off financially if we were divorced.

So, even asking the question, “but what if having too many children causes hardship” sounds odd to the ears of those who have committed to receiving their children.

And that brings me to the point of the question, “what if the older children have too much responsibility?”

God’s Design is Made to Work

Truly, we are a fallen people and there are parents who have asked too much of their children, or failed to love them as parents should, or failed to nurture them in the Lord.  This has always been the case, large or small families. The problem is not the number of children, the problem is sin and/or lack of wisdom.

But there are also factors playing into our 21st century mentality that cause us to view the balance of family and work inconsistently.  When we embrace ALL of what His word teaches us, the pieces of the puzzle fit together better.  But often wrong thinking from places other than that Word muddles our perception.

Entitlement Culture

We’ve all bought into it.  We are such a prosperous, free, recreational and entertainment-driven culture that we’ve cultivated a pervading attitude of entitlement, especially among our young people.  Anything more than a smidgen of responsibility is held in suspicion. The “normal” workload of families and children from centuries past would threaten to kill an adolescent of our day, and his parents would most certainly be questioned.

Older children helping younger children is a normal state of family.  Or should be.  But because families are so segregated, teens given so much free time and entertainment, the idea of it is abnormal to us.

Is there a balance between an older child “helping and raising”?  Of course there is.  But it may not look quite like we think it should.  The comment, for example, mentioned “older children helping with school”.  I think it’s not only acceptable, but preferable.  No exercise facilitates learning as well as teaching someone else.The best thing we could do for our older children is to require them to help the younger ones learn. I wish I incorporated this more into our schooling.

Raising Servants in a “Crown Me” Society

I’ve spoken at length about the counter-culture responsibility we have to raise servants of Christ in a world that screams the opposite.  Families are the training ground for servant-hood.  It is very easy in this day to raise children who carry a victim mentality, but it is crippling to allow it.  Again, balance must be present, but we teach our children that it is a command (and privilege) to serve each other (and Mom and Dad must demonstrate that serving); anything else is disobedience to the Word of God.

You want truly happy children?  Get this one thing through to them: We are here to serve, not to be served.

Will They Want Children?

The single most important factor I see in how older siblings view the prospect of their own children is the attitude of the home and the attitude toward children.  Children who grow up in a happy home, balanced with work, love, play and affection have little reason to dread their own home full of that joy.  The quickest way to rob my oldest daughters of their joy is to separate them from their younger siblings.  They delight in them, despite that a busy home does require us all to work.

Furthermore, the analogy would seem ridiculous in another comparison:

Suppose the family grows its own vegetables.  Each year, the Lord blesses their garden and it becomes more and more prolific.  We all know that a blessed garden requires hard work.  Some of it is fun, some is drudgery.  But the fruit of the harvest makes it all worth it.  If a family is working together, praising God for His blessing, balancing work and rest, and enjoying the fruit, then the children grow up with a healthy sense of “how life is supposed to be”.

I submit it is the same if the Lord chooses to bless with a large family (which He doesn’t always do.)  The fact is that if we *couldn’t* choose, these discussions would not exist.  We would simply do what the Lord gives us to do, to the best of our ability and thank Him for life. Children wouldn’t be considered a burden, but a reality.

Our very ability to choose has clouded our reasoning and caused us to question what should be a natural occurrence.

Once upon a time children came and people figured it out.  Simple.

What are We Training Them For?

A pastor (I can’t remember which one!) said, “If someone asks you ‘What do you do’, you answer, ‘I’m a husband and a father or a wife and a mother‘. It is a tragedy that we no longer view these roles as roles at all.  They are so secondary on our life’s to-do list.  And yet, they are actually foundational, making all else we do secondary.

Given that fact, what should we be MOST concerned with in the upbringing of our children?  Preparing them to be husbands and fathers, wives and mothers! If I were training for a profession, my professors would likely want me immersed in the field.  Why then do we fear immersion in the care of precious siblings? Whether our children marry or not, the most important thing they do in life will involve relationships with other people.  Preparing them in a life of loving and serving others should be something we seek, not avoid!

Principles Hinge on Principles

Lastly, I would submit that a family who commits to doing the best they can with all the principles from Scripture, will find that things take care of themselves.

If a couple believes God should open and close the womb as He sees fit but ignores the principles of training up their children in obedience and love for the Lord, they bring hardship into the family and that will burden the older children.  It’s not loving to my oldest children to receive children from the Lord, then ignore my parental responsibility and expect them to have to deal with the consequences of that.  That IS a burden.

It’s taking the whole counsel of Scripture and putting it into practice in our homes. God hasn’t created us for a purpose and left us clueless as to how to carry it out.

Balance. Work, rest, love, joy, service, humility, laughter–a proper sense of what God has created us for will instill in our children what they need to carry the torch with their own families.

Of Lots of Children on Valentine’s Day–Not What I Expected

At the close of a sweet day, I just sit quietly, glance around the room at my different children, as my husband and I chat about tomorrow’s plans.

I saw a family picture earlier today. The kids were all so much younger, but it seemed so short a time since the picture was taken. That reality. That time is passing quickly, their baby faces growing more mature and very soon, they will be men and women. Ah! It stings a little.

When I only had two children, I never dreamed it would be like this to have nine. To keep loving so deeply. I guess I thought they’d all run together, that the “thrill” of it would weaken with numbers, and “too many children” would just be a chore.

I had no idea how wrong I was. I had no idea the thrill each one would give me–not just the day they were born, but every day. I still get giddy over the baby testing out his first sounds, like a new mother.

I can’t stop staring at their faces, they’re so beautiful to me. Oh we have days when I’m mad at them and they frustrate me; I’m not talking about rainbows and marshmallow days, no, we have real days like you do. But I see the gift in them. Every one of them.

And I am in awe of this realization tonight at the close of Valentine’s Day: God has given us these children as physical reminders and rewards of our marriage-love. And they help hold us together as we see that love–His love–reflected in each face, each personality, each embrace.

Most people think we just have too many children from some careless lifestyle or extreme religion. I think we have just the right number because it’s the number He has given us and He doesn’t count like we do.

To Him, they are people, not numbers–souls, babies becoming men and women, each another glory-reflection.

The “Kingdom Choice” of Raising Children

“The efforts which a mother makes for the improvement of her child in knowledge and virtue, are necessarily retired and unobtrusive. The world knows nothing of them; and hence the world has been slow to perceive how powerful and extensive is this secret and silent influence….the influence which is exerted upon the mind during the first eight or ten years of existence, in a great degree guides the destinies of that mind for time and eternity! And as the mother is the guardian and guide of the early years of life, from her goes the most powerful influence in the formation of the character of man.” John Abbott

When Christians stop being “Kingdom-minded”, they stop making Kingdom choices. Choices like devoting a life to raising the next generation to love God, to honor authority and to live wisely. The very church of Christ has so degraded the blessing of children (and thus minimized a mother’s work), that it is almost unthinkably ignorant. For how can we expect to pass the torch of passion and faithfulness to our Savior unless we have made it our chiefest aim to daily impress His character onto the hearts of our children?

When we understand that our whole existence is to glorify the Lord, we live each moment differently. We get about our Father’s business. We don’t measure “if we should have children” by their convenience or how many vacations it will cost me or whether I can pursue my favorite pastime or career. We don’t have children to look cute in their ball uniforms and homemade hair bows.

We fall down on our knees with the grave responsibility of stewardship over these children, these people who will either further the Kingdom or be a blight on society, based largely on our diligence to the duty of raising them.

Mothers, you must govern your home well. It is the cruelest act of motherhood that you should neglect to teach your children to obey the loving authority over them. For in doing so, you make them unable to submit to God.

Children who have not learned self-government stand to be the most wretched of all men and women, loathing you for your indulgences.

But don’t you see, it isn’t harsh! It wells up from the deepest love, the deepest desire to see our children walking in truth and evokes sheer delight to walk beside them.

When I see my children through Kingdom-eyes, their vices aren’t irritations that bug me and cause me to be angry; they are offenses that sober me and call me to the tireless and tender action of praying for, teaching and tending the garden of their souls.

My children are the very happiest when I have loved them enough to require gratitude, obedience and honor. Their little faces light up into mine when they sense my tenderest sincerity toward their character.

And then, to place my hands on their heads, kneel over them and pray…

“Father, you have blessed me with this child. Thank you that she is growing to love You, thank you that she is obedient, and I pray that she will serve you all the days of her life”….

causes a heart-smile to break across their faces, and they know–it sinks down deep and they KNOW that I am in this for life, through tears, joys and hardship. I am their advocate, and I will stop short of nothing to give “my life for yours” in these few years they are mine.

Children: Heritage or Possession?

“We are childless by choice”, an old acquaintance–a believer–told me. “We just love our lives.  We travel a lot and enjoy going out and we’ve never really wanted children”.

I replayed the conversation.  I’m not supposed to even think anything of it. Children are now in the category of “option without stigma”. That is, it is politically incorrect to even suggest that parents *should* want children.  After all, we all have the choice.  Choice is King.

But something nags me…

And I realized what it was.

Before the socially acceptable option of choosing life, children were in a category of “spiritual, supernatural, miraculous”.

And rightly so. The Bible calls them a “heritage from the Lord”.  A heritage is an immaterial, intangible gift passed down.  It’s an inheritance the GIVER chooses and over which the GIVER has control.

But now that we are in control of this once supernatural gift, children have moved to a category of “possession”–things that can be acquired or not. And not just that, but possessions often seen as liabilities.

A possession is altogether different from a heritage.

A possession is temporal and usually measured by its immediate value. Decisions about acquiring possessions are mostly based on short-sighted variables and measured according to their benefit to the possessor.

A heritage can only be received, at the benevolence of the one giving. It is thought of in far-sighted terms.  Long-term vision causes us to covet a heritage, even if we must share our resources to maintain it in the present.

Our children, though plenty valuable even in the present (if only we could see it through all our distractions), are gifts only properly understood with a far-sightedness–inheritances that gain value over time.

We have lost our long-term vision.  And we have stopped seeing children as part of that vision.

I don’t think God ever meant for us to think of His heritage so flippantly, to refuse, altogether, the eternal gifts He would give in exchange for more vacations and a richer lifestyle.

He desires godly offspring.  He longs to give us a full, rich inheritance. Let’s not allow our short-sighted ability to control rob us of our heritage.