“But everyone else seems to think that a new baby is bad for the other kids. Dozens of times, I’ve had strangers peer around my enormous belly to coo at the toddler, “Aww … now you won’t get to be the baby anymore.”

Thanks, lady. Thanks for informing my child that she’s suffering. Luckily, she doesn’t know what you’re talking about—and neither do you.”

Read the rest of The Case for Siblings

Image from "DSALA"

Can we fully believe that children with special needs are used by God, perhaps in the profoundest of ways, to show us our deep needs and to present us with opportunities to serve “the least of these” and therefore Christ Himself?  In a culture assuring us of our right to demand comfort and ease, we destroy ourselves as a people when we destroy these precious “imperfect” lives that keep us fully human.  And the joke’s on the “perfect” us.  Strong bodies, sound minds–yet so often spiritually depraved as a result of our bodily prosperity.  As R.C. Sproul, Jr. said of his disabled daughter, “She is my spiritual better”.

Following up from Part 1 of Children With Disabilities, I thought the subject undone without a practical look at how the body of Christ should…no, MUST respond to these children and their families.

Adoption

I have been challenged to take an honest look at the subject of adoption.  Most of us maintain that it is a “calling”, but sometimes I wonder how conveniently we use that word to relieve ourselves of any pressure or responsibility we might feel if we considered what is asked of all believers.  Of course it’s not a reality for everyone. It doesn’t seem so for us at this very moment.  But have we been open to the possibility?  Have we trusted that God, if He wills, can provide in that area just like we trust Him to provide for those He gives us through the womb?  Perhaps some were meant to adopt and others were meant to fund those adoptions.  These are merely conversations we’re having that I think we all need to have.

Bearing Burdens

Secondly, I feel certain that helping families with special needs children is a command, inclusive in the command to share all of one another’s burdens.  Frankly, the body of Christ at large seems fairly lousy at sharing one another’s burdens and the state has happily taken over that job.  Will we give an account?  I think so.

I’m an amateur at this conversation.  Most of this post is just a random musing as I have not given this subject enough thought in the past.  This would be a great time for those of you in the trenches to jump in and share what you perceive to be the most important way fellow believers can help in these situations.

Pro-Life Hypocrites

A concluding thought comes to mind about children–disabled or not–and what I believe the birth control culture within the church has done to make us “pro-life hypocrites”.

The same woman who gasped in horror at the young couple when she found out they were expecting their third child never offered a meal or a hand to relieve them.  Does she really have a right, then, to flout her staunch opposition to abortion?  If all the women in her church espouse this conflicting view, this young couple would be forced into an ethical corner were they to find out the Lord has blessed them with another child.

And what has this woman done to relieve the lives of the couple with a disabled child?  Offered her best advice on birth control methods?

I submit that it’s time we draw a line in the sand of our own hearts.  Are we truly pro-life?  If so, it’s time to act like it.

“Another difficulty with this line of thinking, everything riding on physical perfection, is also why it’s become so incredibly expensive to have a baby period. (I realize lots of families have chosen home-birth, and I’m just going to tell you right now you’re better women than I am. )

But for those of us who are the standard ob/hospital delivery kind of gals, the pressure for endless testing (read: $$$$) begins from the minute you make the first appointment. If you are so brazen as to have children in your old age – say 37 – you’re pushed to have genetic testing sequences, amnio, multiple ultra sound screenings, and on and on and on. Politely decline most if not all, and watch the wave of contempt (I actually had a nurse roll her eyes at me) coming at you from every member of the staff. Hear the confused silence of the insurance company when you call to say “don’t pay that, they didn’t perform those tests” because many practices will attempt to bill them as a “package” for mid life pregnancies whether the tests are done or not.

Anyway, sorry for the mini-rant, but medicine itself is complicit in the obsession with “perfectly” healthy babies, with little regard for the deleterious effects much of the testing they do has on the baby (up to and including potential miscarriage), not to mention increasing the anxiety level of the mother. All presented as “so you can make the best decision for your family”. It’s more than a little creepy. I think a lot of it is dollar driven, but there’s an element to it that is trying to unravel the miracle – studied closely, the amazing part is that so many babies are born as we expect them to be.

I find it interesting that our current culture is CRAVING the hand-crafted stamp on everything right now – the imprint of the person who made an object is dear to us, it makes it special, unique,not cookie cutter or predictable. Everything, that is, except people. We can’t accept physical differences or disabilities as anything but less than the preferred standard. There’s no consideration that these differences are valuable or complimentary to us, forget beautiful, intentional even, in the sight of God. For a world bent on worshiping diversity, we don’t leave room, ultimately, for much but the superficial differences.”

Holly:

“And I remember vividly the day he (husband) came out of his study and said, ‘God has just given me the neatest mental picture of someday sitting on my front porch and looking out and seeing scores of children out there. And we have every temperament type represented. And we have every spiritual gift represented. And our children know how to relate to everybody in the world because they lived with all different types of people.’

And he had this wonderful vision of what it would be like and I immediately said to him, ‘Well, that’s very easy for you to say because I’m the one wearing the stretch pants for the next 20 years. And I’m sorry, but I just don’t want to go there.’ ”

And I really did not want to go there. It was a very frightening thing to me to think of taking my hands off that control in my life. And it took me about six months to work through what I believed the Bible said about that whole issue. And I became an avid student of God’s Word and just began to search the Scriptures for every reference to children, to children as a blessing, to God’s sovereignty in that area as far as opening and closing the womb and looking, honestly, for a way to avoid releasing that area in my life because my preference at that point was not to relinquish that area to the Lord.

As I did that, over and over and over, I found the same things: that God was the Creator of life, that God knew who He wanted to create, He knew what we were going to look like, He had a plan for every person–that it was all His business. It was not what I wanted to find in the Scripture, but that’s what I kept encountering. And I remember vividly one night sitting down at my kitchen table with a legal pad and a sharp pencil and making a list. And at the top of the list I wrote, “Reasons I Don’t Want To Have A Million Children.” And I began to make a list of all the objections I had to what I was seeing in God’s Word.

Everything I had on the list was rooted in selfishness. It came down to whether or not I was better at making decisions than God was. And it suddenly became very clear to me that this was a heart issue, at least in my life. It was a matter of me choosing, just like I said…God was Lord in every other aspect of my life.

We prayed through what to do with our money, we prayed through where we were to pastor. When we bought a car, it was a huge issue that we prayed about and trusted God to give us direction. But in this area it was as if we had said, ‘This area is ours to determine and we will make this decision.’ And for the very first time I was confronted with the fact that I had never really said to the Lord, ‘What is Your will?’ ”

Nancy responds:

“And really, again, we’re saying this is the fundamental issue of life, Is Jesus Lord of every area of my life? And I like the way you made that so practical because you said, ‘We went to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, what do you want us to do in this area of our lives?‘ And the fact is, you and I are not totally free until we have released ourselves, our lives, our future, our marital status, our childbearing, every aspect of our lives fully to the control of Jesus Christ. And somehow, when we come under His control, then we find that we really are free.

Of course what was blaring to me as I stared at the “top 100 reasons not to have kids” was how diametrically opposed each reason was to the life of a Christian.  Well, that’s mild.  In truth, here was a false religion of self-worship, just as God has hated and warned against from the beginning.  As I ponder a lot lately the “disease” of a self-centered culture and all the implications, there it was, staring from my computer screen, making no apologies anymore–”WORSHIP YOURSELF”.

Worse though, is that extreme as a site like this may seem to us, a careful look at it reveals hints of camaraderie many believers share regarding thoughts about children.  (“How will you….with those children?”) Let it not be.

(In fact, and I’m not trying to get flamed for this but…there is little difference, really, in “childless by choice” and “childless by choice after two”.  The premise is very close.) (Intended as a general observation, not a definitive statement for every family in every circumstance.)

Sometimes it takes an extreme look at where we are headed to reveal the errors in the way we are getting there.

Here are a few reasons the site gave for not choosing children:

1. You will be happier and less likely to suffer from depression.
2. (Assuming you get married), you will have a happier marriage.
3. You will have the capacity and time for meaningful, engaged, quality adult relationships.
4. You will be able to save for a comfortable retirement.
5. You are more likely to be an engaged and involved aunt or uncle because you are not jaded and worn down by your own kids.
6. You can fully pursue and develop your career.
7. You can fully pursue your educational goals.
8. You can decorate your home as you wish with as many beautiful and/or breakable things as you wish and you will not have to child-proof your house.
9. Your house will be free of junky, plastic kindercrap.
10. Your spouse will get all the love and attention he/she deserves. You will come first in your spouse/partner’s life.
11. Your pets will get all the love and attention they deserve.
12. You can eat whatever foods you wish at whatever time of the day you wish out in the open, whether it be a gourmet, exotic meal, or chocolate chip cookies.
13. You never have to yell, scold, correct or punish anyone (assuming your spouse and pets are well-behaved
14. Your home will be a quiet and welcoming oasis, instead of a chaotic zoo.
15. Your identity will remain firmly intact.
16. You will enjoy personal privacy.
17. You will get a full night’s sleep every night.
18. You will have the time and energy to exercise regularly and take care of your health and appearance.
19. You will stay informed and engaged in current events and will remain an interesting conversationalist.

“Show me Your ways, O, Lord, teach me YOUR paths.”  Psalm 25:4

“Finally, many evangelicals are joining the discussion about birth control and its meaning.”

This line made my heart leap.  Late, indeed to the discussion, but arriving nonetheless.  “Think I’ll Skip the Party” @ The Line summarizes Albert Mohler’s recent commentary on Time’s cover story by Nancy Gibbs discussing “the anniversary of the Pill”, in a serious and succinct call for God’s people to think and connect the dots.

Consider Gibbs’ observation: 

“It was the first medicine ever designed to be taken regularly by people who were not sick.”

It reminds me of the simple truth I haven’t been able to escape since my first investigations of the subject of birth control:  choices have consequences.

Mohler writes:

“The idea that sex would be severed from childbearing is a very modern concept — and a concept made meaningful only by the development of the Pill and its successor birth control technologies. The severing of this relationship represents a quantum change in human life and relationships, not to mention morality….The Pill turned pregnancy — and thus children — into elective choices, rather than natural gifts of the marital union.”

I’m glad to see that more Christians recognize the need to consider the implications of our lifestyle choices.

Teach it to your children…

Family and marriage are institutions designed by God–they are not man-made.  Perhaps then, we shouldn’t be surprised that the family is becoming an enemy. Who would have ever believed there would come a time when society would be hostile to what has always been considered the basic unit of its existence?  It is why I think feminism has had the most damaging impact on our culture…because at the core, it seeks to separate family…with destruction as a result.

We have slid down a slippery slope and arrived at the belief that the basic unit of society is the INDIVIDUAL.  (Think about it for a minute…look at all the ways families are divided and the expectations that is should be so…even within the church.)  And when that is believed, the individual is very quickly lost in the state.

“Dr. Carle C. Zimmerman, Harvard University spent his life studying the history of the family.  He has pointed out the family’s significance:  that whenever the atomistic (separate, unrelated members) family develops, in which the authority of the father is no longer paramount, then there is a very quick disintegration of society, the total state takes over, and there is a radical collapse of civilization…..

With the development of the atomistic family–which is really no family at all–the home is simply a place to room and board while the state takes over the role as father–to take care of the family in its every need, providing for the children and the parents; the family no longer cares for itself; civilization collapses. ” -R.J. Rushdoony

(By the way, this paradigm does not exclude the rare single men and women not called to marriage;  all still belong to a family and have a major importance in that role.)

Listen to  Zimmerman’s conclusions:

He believed…

“..that a fundamental purpose of civilization is the empowerment and enabling of the family — and is absolutely key to the health of any civilization. … Nobody undertakes to have a large family because it’s fun, or, in advanced societies, because it’s economically beneficial. They do it because they believe that’s what people do. In other words, they believe that children are a blessing from God, and that we humans are participating in the divine will by begetting children and raising them up to carry on our civilization….

Mankind has consumed not only the crop, but the seed for the next planting as well. Whatever may be our Pollyanna inclination, this fact cannot be avoided. Under any assumptions, the implications will be far-reaching for the future not only of the family but of our civilization as well. The question is no longer a moral one; it is social.”

Building the family is the only option for surviving–slice it any way you like, our ideals and personal opinions won’t erase factual reality.

“And the LORD said to her, two nations are in your womb…” Genesis 25:23

“I’m glad God made babies and didn’t just send us here big.”

He asked me if she had let me sleep last night, and I explained her typical waking up about 3 times–par for the course almost since she was born.  We’re working on it, but for the moment, God has given me supernatural energy to combat the lack of sleep…mostly.

“Even losing sleep isn’t worth not having her”,  he said with a grin.

“You’re so right, Ashton.”

I pray that I would maintain such a child-like, eternal perspective in life, rejecting the jaded thought of the world that something hard is something to avoid.

Kudos to one of my very favorite friends, Nancy, for knowing how much I would love this article and showing me a copy–Nanc, you’re my muse.  I contacted the author for permission to reprint and she graciously granted.  I hope it provokes your thoughts the way it did mine. 

Unbelievably good.  I read the whole thing in italics out loud to my husband. You want to read this.

“Our four ex utero kids are generally well-behaved, or so we’re told. But occasionally they do something spectacularly disobedient, and even more incredibly, they fail to make any serious effort to conceal it. This infuriates their father. If they’re going to do something that dumb, he growls, they should at least be clever enough to keep us from discovering them at their sin.

However, I salute their stupidity. I take it as a sign that though the children are disobedient, they have at least sinned simply and honestly. Their sin is impulsive, not deceptive; it is primarily of the flesh and not the devil. They sin with desire but without duplicity. They sin as I wish I sinned.

Their sin reminds me of a time when I would say of a couple of friends “in trouble,” “If you’re going to be stupid, at least be smart about it.” Their stupidity led to their exposure, their excruciating confessions to parents, their hurried marriages, the incongruity of birthdays and anniversaries in their family histories. At the time when  had such sophisticated advice to offer, it did not occur to me that this counsel amounted simply to adding decep- tion to their sin.

Signs of Health or Brokenness

Sexual relationships, while enacted privately, are public property. The lover declares, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”  This protects the relationship from internal and external breach. Those within the relation-ship are bound to each other by their promise of troth, held in trust by the neutral third parties who witness the promise. Those outside the relationship know that this new unit of their community is being rightly founded, and also that any attempt to besiege the promise is illicit.  The vow of complete self-giving is sanctioned by those   present, and its publicity makes it safe to carry out. Thus would a bride in former times blush—all those gathered in her honor knew what she would be doing in just a few hours.

And in former times, when the married couple fulf lled their vows to God and each other and their witnesses, they produced, at God’s favor, babies to prove it. The lack of a baby indicated either a broken body or a broken vow. While both called for the community’s prayer, the latter also called for the community’s assistance in healing the marriage for the benefit of everyone, for a broken vow means broken people. When a baby gave evidence of a union where no vow had been made, it was similarly in the interest of the community to correct the situation in the way that would most benefit all the parties involved.

In marriage, a couple gives over supervision of their marital health to those who approved their avowal.  A sexual relationship between people who made no vows would normally not remain a secret for long. But contraception blinds the community by concealing the sexual act outside of marriage, or its absence within marriage, and by leaving goods damaged in various ways unmarked as such.

The heartbroken suffer alone in hijacked bodies. A relationship is known to be serious (since sex is no longer a mark of gravity in a relationship) when both members unload the “baggage” of past relationships. Accountability is lost, and there is little opportunity for prevention.  We are all left to pick up someone’s pieces when it is too late, and without help, since these matters are private.

This is not to advocate public shaming. The Church is not a place of shame, for Christ covered shame with his naked death. But the shame of sexual immorality torments even if it is not widely known.

Every member of the community profits from a protective mechanism against such shame. Two people cannot become one flesh without being personally affected, and the shock waves their union generates change the community. Publicizing the event allows the community to approve, prepare for, and absorb the change. Extra-marital unions infect the community with diseases of body and soul. Atrophied unions weaken the community in body and soul. A community that has been deprived of its primary diagnostic tool for identifying an ill or illicit union is less able to remedy itself.

Unacknowledged Debt

Why must we have physical, public evidence of the faithful fulfillment of even those marital vows most of us can’t imagine neglecting, at least at first? Who would lie about such things? Well, who would talk about them?  Allowing nature to manifest our faithfulness is certainly more graceful than a verbal report.

Contraception, now the status quo, also puts the burden of disclosure on the tragically infertile. They are forced to openly deny contraceptive use to prove their faithfulness. The involuntarily childless must actively solicit the sympathy of friends and the prayers of the Church, giving painful birth only to words that express their sorrow.

The fruits that proceed from the union of lovers bear witness to the lovers’ faithfulness to their public vow. This is the pain of infertility: a union unconfirmed, a love lacking its plainest proof.

This is also why the Church perceives discord in the decision of a newly married couple to take a few years to “enjoy being married” before ending marital enjoyment with children. Apparently, we are expected to take them at their word that they are fulfilling the vows made before us, although they refuse to tender the token. In those storied former times, we’d have worried that perhaps the sweet things weren’t quite sure how things worked.  For now, charity ordains that we fill in the child-shaped marital deficiency with the sad assumption of trouble conceiving, except in the great majority of cases, where bride and groom make no secret of being confirmed window shoppers at the baby mall. If you’re going to be married, be smart, after all. Be ever copulating but never conceiving. Their debt to their witnesses (to say nothing of each other) goes quite unacknowledged.

So also is the public treated disrespectfully by the couple who, 2.1 children later, give no sign of continued faithfulness to their vow. Is he so disgusted by the sight of his wife’s birth-changed body that he will no longer suffer its embrace? Is she using her maternal exhaustion as an excuse to withhold herself from him? Can this marriage survive? The only way we know a marriage to be sexless is when it comes out in therapy, on the golf course, at play dates, on the pages of The Atlantic.

On the other hand, those inclined to give evidence of ongoing sexual success can simply mention recent adventures to friends. We no longer provide pregnancies to testify to our faithfulness, for faithfulness is no longer a positive act or a community act. It is simply the failure to pursue gratification elsewhere. Furthermore, to whom could we possibly owe testimony? Sex is private.

“Safety” in Secrecy

Outside of marriage, contraception permits sexual sin without public consequence. The public, for the most part, no longer cares, but the Church certainly must. Those who accept contraception as legitimate within marriage set up their children to succumb not only to lust, but also to guile. Fornication super-enabled by contraception leads the young away from marriage and into a life of secret sin behind closed doors on which no one has a right to knock.

The Christian couple “in trouble” faces more shame now from the Christian community than in ages past. With so many opportunities to conceal an illicit relationship or even an illicit pregnancy, those couples who must admit publicly to a sin considered private assume a largely avoidable humiliation. They’re concupiscent and stupid.

Christian parents are tempted to hope that if their kids mess up, they will at least be “safe” about it. The young have to be taught, with subtlety of course, that for everyone to remain happy, they must plan their sins and take measures to prevent these sins from coming to light. Veniality is far too risky.

The people we seek to keep safe are ourselves. There is nothing safe about “safe sex” besides an external reputation. As long as no one knows, we can still participate in society’s grotesque nuptial parodies. Our daughters flounce down the aisle in ironic white gowns, naked from the cleavage up; our sons save for honeymoons on which the couple, drained by months of preparing for the exhibition of extravagance, can finally get some sleep. We smile about how our darlings waited—or if they didn’t, about how they at least were smart enough not to let it become a problem.

Empty Glasses

But as go the banns, so go babies. Our churches must grow, but our families must be reasonably sized; our sex must be fantastic but never dutiful; our food is organic but our love is not. We sip from empty glasses and sing the expressiveness of the wine. True love waits, or if that’s too hard, it can be made to appear to wait. And after the official waiting is over, love need show nothing for itself but a naughty grin.”

This article first appeared in the January/February 2010 issue of Touchstone: A Journal of Mere Christianity (www.touchstonemag.com)