America After 50 Years of the Pill

Geoff Botkin writes on the societal implications of 50 years on birth control…buckle up.

“Fifty-nine modern nations are plagued by the high-tech benefits of birth-control pills. Each of them have waged a cultural war against babies. Each of them suffer below-replacement birthrates. Each of them face potential extinction. But concerns such as national suffering, dangerous international geopolitics and the disappearance of entire nations are matters that would require mature thinking – something that was successfully bred-out of the American people when they accepted the pill as, in the words of Hugh Hefner, the greatest invention of the 20th century.”

Read How ‘The Pill’ Led to Societal Infantilism

Great Children’s Books for the Christian Home

I had forgotten what a treasure the Lamplighter series of children’s books are.  I picked up Hedge of Thorns this morning and read a chapter to the children and was again delighted with the quality of the literature as well as the tremendous inspiration it offered.

“I remember kissing her [baby sister] soft hands; and from that time, my little sister became the object of my tenderest love and affection, and I waited with anxious expectation the happy time when I could take her on my Sabbath picnics near the castle of Hemlock Forest…and how happy I was when I had taught her to repeat her first prayer!”

The Lamplighter Rare Collector series are short, interesting books re-printed from the late 19th century, full of literary richness as well as the themes of godly character-building, most familiar to Christian families of the past.  They make great read-alouds!

Just wanted to offer some suggestions for those of you who are looking for great literature!

(By the way, I don’t benefit from suggesting these, I just like them )

There are several sites who sell them, but Grace & Truth Books is the best price I have found.

All’s Not Hair in Love and War

It took me 5 children to realize that I might need to say it out loud:  “You are not allowed to cut yours or anyone else’s hair”.

You must hear it from the start…

I have had hair woes my whole life. Too thin, too fine, too–not what I wanted it to be. I deal with it.

I married a man with thick, jet black hair, but several of our first girls inherited my hair. Life is still good.

Enter Mallie.

This child was born with a shock of full, fuzzy, black hair. It was comical…me, the fair-skinned blond lady holding this dark-skinned baby with…this HAIR.

I loved it from the start.  And it grew and was so thick and so long and so wavy and so…everything I had always wanted in hair.  And despite the torture of combing out tangles from this thick-maned three-year old, I loved it long (notice that was past tense).

Not braided, it had grown to her waist.

And then…

That tangle I couldn’t get out.  It came out of nowhere and so I had to do it–I cut it up almost to her chin.  I almost cried, but that would have been silly.

So we got used to her cute new haircut.

And then…

Enter Brooks–the 5-year-old that didn’t get the memo.

“She told me to”.  That was the best he could come up with.   (Didn’t Adam say that?)

So here’s the really good part…this happened on the same day I posted about teaching our children forgiveness. God does love a good, “let’s see what ya got?” doesn’t He?

Maybe I loved Mallie’s hair too much…

It’s even worse in the back.

I left it hacked up for 2 days before I could get the nerve to cut it.  And since we don’t have a sharp pair of scissors in the house, I grabbed the little red pair, the same pair Brooks used.

“I wanted hair like Avi.” I get sad every time I look at it.

A good reminder for all of us that:

Forgiveness is mandatory…no matter the mess we have to deal with.

Hair grows back.

There are consequences to our actions.

I need to remember to tell my other 5-year-olds about the hair thing.

We probably do things that leaves God shaking his head and saying, “What was she thinking?!” and He loves us anyway.

So what did I say besides “I’m so glad my son doesn’t show promise for Cosmetology”?

“Well, there’s only one thing left to do….blog about it.”

Parenting–Not Your Job to Figure it Out

Have I ever said parenting is hard work?

I know you have days that you cry, feel like throwing up your hands and giving up.

I know that because I have those days.  Some probably think of me as a seasoned parent, what with 8 children and all.  And I do like to think I’ve at least learned a thing or two.

But don’t think for a minute that I’ve got it all figured out.  Because even if I thought I did, I feel sure God would throw me a curve ball tomorrow to make sure I banished the thought….

After all, when I get it figured out, I won’t need Him anymore.  That’s the whole point.  Don’t forget that it’s not our job to “get it figured out”.

It’s our job to persevere, trust, pray, sacrifice, disciple, allow God to mold us along the way, nurture, encourage, pray again, cry, laugh, hug, ask forgiveness, and do it all again tomorrow.

Helping Your Children Get Along

A reader writes with an excellent question concerning helping our children get along:

“I was hoping you could do a posting on how to encourage little children to get along together. I have three boys, and another one coming, and there are days when I feel like a referee all day!…How do mothers cultivate patience with younger siblings and the desire to be with and teach and enjoy younger siblings, when baby brother is always “messing things up” for big brothers?? And how much do we “protect” big brothers from baby’s interruption?(ie put up baby gate to keep baby separate).“

There are some basic premises I think need to be established before even talking about sibling relationships.  We hold two truths regarding sibling strife:

Sibling strife is natural; sibling strife is not acceptable.

Natural meaning, it happens.  We all gravitate toward selfishness if we are left to “do what comes natural” and that breeds strife.  There isn’t a family exempt.  We expect it in our children.  But it’s “not acceptable” meaning “what comes natural” is not our measure of behavior.  The Word of God contains our standard.  What we expect will happen is not what we allow.

Here’s the trick:  there’s a wide and often harrowing gap between where we are and where we want to be.  As I’ve said many times before, “Motherhood is not for the faint of heart”.  If you answer the call to mother the children God has given you, there’s no way around rolling up your sleeves and getting ready to get dirty.

Here’s our starting point:

“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” Phillipians 2:3

Contained in this verse is the essence of “loving your neighbor as yourself”.  This verse (and there are others) should be a common, household mantra.  It is so important that in training our children to get along we point to the reason:  Because God said so. If it’s just because “y’all are driving me crazy” (yes, I say this sometimes) or because we want other people to admire our parenting skills or any other reason, we have missed it.

We also have to remember the two dynamics working together:  we trust God to do a work in the hearts while we work on cultivating habits to meet the work.

And cultivating habits is a continuous work.  It helps me not to get discouraged when I remember that training children is an ongoing process.  We can’t address an issue and expect to solve it and move on.  Over time, yes, we expect growth.  But the cultivating is daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, while we prune, weed and fertilize the soil.

In esteeming others we expect acts of selflessness, kindness in tones, self-control and flexibility, and a general striving for peace.  Get it settled–this is life work.

Especially where there are little ones, consideration must be given to them and the older siblings involved in disputes.  This can get very hazy as we try to figure out the right way to deal with conflict.  The little ones need to learn that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them, and the older ones need to learn to set the example of “esteeming others better”, which involves more patience toward a younger sibling.

Enforce.  If younger ones are too young to comprehend lessons in sharing, etc., is has to be physically enforced.  Very young children do understand  ”no” and “wait” and should not be allowed to take things from others or destroy what others are doing, etc.  A negative command accompanied by a distraction may be all that’s in order.  Discipline in cases of obvious disobedience.

Teach the tools.  Even as early as around the age of 1, it’s important to give them appropriate responses and tools.  For example, if they want the toy that an older sibling has, I might say to them, “No, you must wait.  Ask (sibling’s name) “When you get done may I have it?” And then instruct the older one to help by agreeing to give the coveted toy in a reasonable time.  Though it’s more time-consuming, the earlier a child can learn patience and sharing, the better.

Employ the older children.  I talk often to my older ones about the importance of helping me teach the younger ones by example.  Helping them see that they can be an example of what God asks adds to their feeling valuable in the family.  I remind my older ones often of how they are either a good example or bad example to their younger siblings.

Remove the object. Instead of constantly refereeing every encounter, which can be exhausting, a better way to teach them to handle their own conflicts is to remove the object of strife, no questions asked.  Once they learn the results of strife or coming to Mom with every problem, they’ll naturally try to solve things and even be more willing to yield in order to avoid losing a desired item.

Don’t allow crying over toys.  We deal a lot with this with a 2, 3 and 5 year old.  Children learn early that crying gets mom’s attention and often gets them what they want.  It’s tempting, isn’t it, just to do whatever will make it stop?  I’ve tried to pay attention closely and never give a child what he wants if he’s crying or whining for it.  I simply tell him that since he’s crying he doesn’t get it at all right now.  “Come back later when you’re cheerful and ask me and I might be able to help you.”

Make them answer. Get into the habit of asking, “Are you loving your sister right now?”…”Is that the way you want to be treated?”…”Is that how God says we should treat each other?”…”Are you putting others first?” It’s that reminder of why we expect the behavior we do.

Work. I find it positively effective to react to strife by handing out jobs.  Not only is it a negative consequence that they’ll try to avoid in the future, but it removes the source (self) and puts them in serving mode.  Tailoring the work can be even more effective.  Having one child make another’s bed, etc., or having them work together.

Keep them close. One lady writes about “staking tomatoes”, comparing it to training children.  She suggests that it’s difficult to catch and therefore “bend” children in the right direction unless you are physically near them to see and hear what is going on.  This can be challenging, especially if you have several children.  But I think it’s very helpful if you detect a specific problem with a child or two, to keep them close in a “boot camp” type of training for a week or so.

With older ones…in extreme cases, we have eliminated all contacts with  other friends or social activites and claimed “no friends until you’re friends”.  It’s just that important.  A friend of mine also made her oldest boy and girl stand beside each other at every social event (church, etc.) until they agreed to be friends.

Duct tape. As a last resort, if you have two squabbling continually, you could duct tape their arms together.  It’s so bizarre, especially if you do it very calmly, that it completely disorients their thoughts and they totally forget about the strife.  They find it absolutely hilarious by the time they see you’re serious.  I’m only barely joking.  I think I may have done this once.

When they do it right…

This is big.  The biggest thing, in my opinion.  Look hard for the right behavior. And then go crazy.  Make a big deal about it.  And instead of saying, “I’m so glad you’re finally being nice!” instead say, “THIS IS IT!  Did you just hear yourself?   You just loved others more than yourself.  That is exactly what the Bible says to do and you did it!” (Very animated, of course.)  “I am so proud of you and I’m proud of the woman/man of God you’re becoming.  See what it feels like to make peace?”

Reward the peacemakers.  And keep at the task of building loving relationships.  This is a magnanimous work.  To build a home full of love and deference where siblings treat each other as friends is no small thing.  It’s also no easy thing.  The relationships built in your home will under gird every other relationship in their lives.  It will affect what kind of spouse they become, employee, neighbor, friend, and ultimately to teach a child to esteem others better than himself will bring him the only true contentment.

One of my favorite speeches:

“You know what?  I love you guys so much.  Too much to allow you to tear each other down and disobey the Lord in your relationships.  I’ll do whatever it takes to help you show each other love.  It’s not enough to say it.”

It’s worth the work.  “Let your light so shine before men’…the light of love being cultivated in a home where He reigns supreme and we don’t accept any standard but His.

Why it’s Important for Stay-at-Home Moms to Stay Home

On the assumption that a mother wants to stay home with her children because she thinks it’s the best thing for them, the “at home” part can’t be overlooked.  (I don’t mean to state the obvious, but….)

And there are practical reasons why.

I’ve been thinking about those reasons, per a conversation I had with a woman recently who admitted that too many outside activities were having adverse effects on her children.

My top reasons to stay home as much as possible:

• There is no order in absence.  Again, seems obvious, but until we grasp the importance of this simple, one-of-our-many job descriptions, we may not see the problem with too many outside activities.  Keeping even a minimal amount of order and structure to a lived-in home is an on-going job in need of a physical presence.

• Outside activities means deadlines. Deadlines with children means “grumpy Mom”.  ’Nough said.

• Meal planning gets the oust.  The planning of meals, frugality in the kitchen and a thought to nutrition requires a significant amount of time.  Without it, we resort to carry-outs, fast food and convenience food.

• It’s cheaper.  Gas money for outings, snacks and lunches bought while finding yourself out and hungry, and the temptation to shop are all tangible reasons to cut back on going out.  Don’t believe me?  Dare yourself to keep a detailed tally of small expenses during your outings.  You may be shocked!

• Children need steady routine. If there were no other reasons, I believe this one is enough.  There is just a universal truth, though I can’t point to statistics, that children thrive in a steady environment.  They need a regular rhythm to their day.  There is safety in the expected, and though life certainly throws us surprises, we can do what we can to provide a safe, flourishing place for them to grow.

• Mom gets distracted.  Only when a mother understands the weight of her job does she fully understand the need to be focused, ready and available for the task.  Being at home better equips her for it.

Of course there are outings and activities we can’t avoid, and there are good things to do outside the home.  But I am constantly challenged to take a hard look at our daily happenings, try to balance our time and rule out activities that are causing us to be stifled instead of helping our growth.

I had met a mom once at a homeschooling fair who was very exuberant and yet expressed her feeling of always being behind, unable to keep the house in order and mentioned several discipline issues with her children that she “just didn’t understand.”  I was astonished (tempted to be jealous) of all the exciting field trips and educational opportunities she gave to her  kids.  They had been to some event every day of that week–concerts, museums, demonstrations, music lessons, etc.

And while I felt a bit inept that we weren’t able to participate in so many activities, it soon became apparent that what she was losing in the harried process was not worth the gain.

There are  plenty of distractions right here in our homes to keep us from staying the course.  May you be encouraged to make your home a constant, well-running incubator.