Being a Mom and Wife is Enough: A Word for the Burned Out Superwoman

I assume many women feel the way this reader who wrote me feels, so I wanted to give a public answer to encourage other women in her shoes:

“What do you do when you are so weary, you feel like you can’t get through the day? I feel like I try to juggle the expectations of church ministry with that of my family, and it isn’t working. I’m tired, resentful, and bitter. I just want to be a mom and a wife. I feel like crying a lot these days. I try to tell myself it is okay to “just be a mom and a wife” but I feel like to I have to be superwoman as one of the female leaders of our church, where not many people do many things. I’ve recently given up being the coordinator of our church nursery (after doing it for over five years), but no one has stepped in to fill the role and I feel guilty (should I have stayed since no one stepped up? that’s what i keep thinking!). I homeschool (I have 5 children, 7 and under, including twins). that takes up so much time, there’s not much time for anything else. I get up early, stay up way too late, and am still just spinning my wheels. HELP! I read your blog almost daily for encouragement and thank you. I thought maybe you would have personal encouragement for where I find myself now. “

My initial response to a letter like this is, “I think you know why you feel overwhelmed, you just need the reassurance to do what your instincts tell you”.

But I also want to unpack that a little bit, because quite frankly, it discourages me that the church is often one of the most competing forces against the family, weakening it instead of strengthening it.

I don’t want to delve into to “the pros and cons of church programs”, but as much as I tried to avoid that, the connections just beg to be considered.  There is a reason this reader, and many women feel “guilty” or compelled to overextend themselves.  We have to solve that problem before we can adequately solve the question of “can I just be a wife and mother?”

Church programs are sometimes good, sometimes necessary and sometimes not at all and only create more problems.  Sometimes they mimic what the state has done so well:  taking over areas that belong to parents, though well-intentioned, making it easier for parents to abdicate responsibility and more difficult to see the harm in doing so.

Since the nursery was mentioned, walk with me through some thoughts:

Forget for a minute the typical nursery argument, “But what about visitors?” Because that question opens up a whole new subject that will find its own solutions when the body operates biblically!

For now, we’re assuming the church is a place where, like the early church, followers of Christ meet together for worship and fellowship.

What if the church was again simply a place of worship, rest and refreshment for the whole family?

What if families spent time with families in their homes, in a more organic environment where child-training tips were passed along and there wasn’t a need for a nursery?

What if because there wasn’t a nursery parents had no choice but to actually teach them to stay in service as they once did?

What if children were reunited into the body of Christ, truly demonstrating the oneness of which Scripture speaks? Soaking up the beauty and significance of fathers, mothers and children united in the most important event of the week?

And what if now we don’t have to elect nursery coordinators and workers (or make them feel guilty) so that they, too, can be a unified part of the body, resting on the Sabbath AND being refreshed for the upcoming tasks of the week?

Multiply this concept across other areas to see if it fits.

I said all that not to argue the case for a nursery, per se, but to see how often we can create problems in our attempts to fix them.

The answer to this reader’s question is simple:

She has accepted the diminished significance of the role of motherhood.  She has bought into the idea that it’s not enough to raise warriors for Christ, it’s not enough to minister to “the least of these”, it’s not enough to walk alongside these people that are the very heritage of God  and disciple them, it’s not enough to give her life for the family that is her first priority.

I told this dear woman to lay aside every possible extra activity in her life right now except for her duties at home.  She is at the height of her calling, her hands are indeed full, and she is responsible first to her family.  That is the best work she can do.

Does that mean she can’t minister in any other capacity?  Certainly not!  But she is free to guard her time and energy carefully, and not feel guilty about making commitments that may prove too taxing, but she feels she can’t relinquish.  She is free to minister in a way that includes her family and allows her to work around them.  (Raising children, helping a husband and hospitality are the three specific ministries the Bible emphasizes for women.  A widow, in fact, was not to be considered for “the list” if she had neglected these duties.)

I feel so badly that she had to come to my blog and ask me, a mere stranger, to tell her the things she knows in her heart to be true.

Would you tell another mother today that she isn’t obligated to be a superwoman?  Tell her that building her home is Kingdom work and it is adequate.

The Beauty of Liturgy

“Let me know you, for you are the God who knows me…This is my hope…”

Husband leads and we follow, in unison from our printed liturgies the night before the Sabbath, around the table.

Little ones look us in the face curiously.  “What is this rhythmic ritual?”

Our voices rise in song…

“For the joy of human love, brother, sister, parent, child…Lord of all to Thee we raise this our hymn of grateful praise.”

The swell and break of our voices, this family, together has a unifying effect…our eyes dart at one another.

“Tomorrow when we read our confession, listen to the words and make them yours.”

“I am righteous before God only by true faith in Jesus Christ; that is, although my conscience accuses me, that I have grievously sinned against all the commandments of God….yet God, without any merit of mine, of mere grace, imputes to me perfect righteousness…”

Our souls are instructed, young and old, baby learns to sit quietly and though she doesn’t understand, she will.

“Our Father, Who art in Heaven…”

The liturgical exercise I once spurned has now become precious to me.

Its very constancy reflects the constancy of our faithful God.

The reading of truths out loud serves me twice as I see it and then hear it, and it strengthens the eyes of my faith more and more.

The affirmation of our faith at home as a family and then corporately with the rest of our family, week after week, begins to weave itself in and out of our lives like a tapestry that comes to life as God breathes over it.

“In joy of heart, in brotherly union, in Christian love we come to partake of Your table, giving thanks for the great love which You have shown to us through Christ our Lord.”

Little ones take their cues, hold their bread and wait….then together we remember His love and death and resurrection for us.

Hands lifted up…they don’t know why now, but they will.

“Praise God from Whom all blessings flow…”

One body, one Lord, one heart going out “to love and serve the Lord”.

Fortified for the week, strengthened for the task, we look forward to when we’ll meet again.

Children With Disabilities-Part 2: The Christian’s Response

Image from "DSALA"

Can we fully believe that children with special needs are used by God, perhaps in the profoundest of ways, to show us our deep needs and to present us with opportunities to serve “the least of these” and therefore Christ Himself?  In a culture assuring us of our right to demand comfort and ease, we destroy ourselves as a people when we destroy these precious “imperfect” lives that keep us fully human.  And the joke’s on the “perfect” us.  Strong bodies, sound minds–yet so often spiritually depraved as a result of our bodily prosperity.  As R.C. Sproul, Jr. said of his disabled daughter, “She is my spiritual better”.

Following up from Part 1 of Children With Disabilities, I thought the subject undone without a practical look at how the body of Christ should…no, MUST respond to these children and their families.

Adoption

I have been challenged to take an honest look at the subject of adoption.  Most of us maintain that it is a “calling”, but sometimes I wonder how conveniently we use that word to relieve ourselves of any pressure or responsibility we might feel if we considered what is asked of all believers.  Of course it’s not a reality for everyone. It doesn’t seem so for us at this very moment.  But have we been open to the possibility?  Have we trusted that God, if He wills, can provide in that area just like we trust Him to provide for those He gives us through the womb?  Perhaps some were meant to adopt and others were meant to fund those adoptions.  These are merely conversations we’re having that I think we all need to have.

Bearing Burdens

Secondly, I feel certain that helping families with special needs children is a command, inclusive in the command to share all of one another’s burdens.  Frankly, the body of Christ at large seems fairly lousy at sharing one another’s burdens and the state has happily taken over that job.  Will we give an account?  I think so.

I’m an amateur at this conversation.  Most of this post is just a random musing as I have not given this subject enough thought in the past.  This would be a great time for those of you in the trenches to jump in and share what you perceive to be the most important way fellow believers can help in these situations.

Pro-Life Hypocrites

A concluding thought comes to mind about children–disabled or not–and what I believe the birth control culture within the church has done to make us “pro-life hypocrites”.

The same woman who gasped in horror at the young couple when she found out they were expecting their third child never offered a meal or a hand to relieve them.  Does she really have a right, then, to flout her staunch opposition to abortion?  If all the women in her church espouse this conflicting view, this young couple would be forced into an ethical corner were they to find out the Lord has blessed them with another child.

And what has this woman done to relieve the lives of the couple with a disabled child?  Offered her best advice on birth control methods?

I submit that it’s time we draw a line in the sand of our own hearts.  Are we truly pro-life?  If so, it’s time to act like it.

Girly Christianity

(Hat-tip to LAF)

What a thought-provoking article I read at Boundless called, Girlie Christianity. It struck so many chords with me.  It opened up a rivulet of thinking that brought some clarity to topics we discuss here often.  It really made me think.  I think you will love it.

“Maybe Christianity is sort of girlie….”

“All the music was so sentimental and touchy-feely,” he said. “And it went on and on as though the musicians were trying to work us up into a sugary trance. One more refrain of ‘His Banner Over Me is Luhhhv’ and I think I would have passed out. You know that song?”…

“Wait, I’m not finished. It’s also hard to sing. I used to think that’s just because I’m not a great singer, but I can sing other songs. This time it hit me. The problem is that most of it is pitched way too high for male voices. Wouldn’t you call that girlie?” Read more »

Unhealthy Family, Unhealthy Church

I love how being a mother so perfectly (and so painfully) allows me to see God’s purpose for the body of Christ.  Belonging to a family and being fully engaged in that family provides a clear picture of how the body of Christ is supposed to function.  And to the extent we are shaped to live properly in this family, we are equipped to live properly among the Church.

“Shaped to live properly in this family” = HARD WORK.  Crucifying flesh is a basic theme in Scripture.  Where do you think that happens?

The more I ponder it, the more I can see why the body of Christ does not function as it ought.  Given the statements I just made, its antithesis is also true.  And because we aren’t being fully engaged in our families or learning to live properly among its members, the family is broken.  When the family is broken the church is broken.

And when I say “broken family” our thoughts default to divorced and single-parents homes.  But by “broken” I mean something as simple as children not taught to defer to each other because they are too busy or not together enough or the parents too distracted.  Broken is a child who doesn’t honor his parents.  Broken is a husband and wife not on the same team.  Broken is a rejection of  “more members”.  Broken is a segregated family.

How can there be unity among the body of Christ if there isn’t unity in the home?  How can we be “members fitly joined together” when we are disjointed in our homes?  How can we yearn for a bigger church and spurn a bigger family?  How can we show the world the faithfulness of Christ to His bride and the love of a Parent-God if we can’t show it from our homes?

It starts here.  Here is where we learn to grow together and forgive each other and nurture our relationships.  We honor one another here or we can’t honor elsewhere.  We learn to serve each other here or we can’t really serve anywhere else.  Husband to wife, parents to children, sibling to sibling–this is our starting place.  If we miss it here, if the body is dislocated here, what hope is there that it will fit rightly in the Church?

I’m exasperated of seeing churches pull its members apart in every direction and then expect the church to be healthy!  “Go and make disciples”? First we must “stay” and make them.

A Church Full of Grown Babies?

We don’t live like we believe what’s in the Bible.  And we live like what’s in the Bible doesn’t matter much to the Kingdom.

There are a few topics that I jump on a soap box about. I’ve been accused of “majoring on the minor” about those topics. Two of them are the way we view children and the way we approach marriage.

Newsflash: Those aren’t minor topics. Just those two topics completely change our lives, our marriages, our parenting and our society.

My burden is for the body of Christ. People say, “you don’t talk about grace enough”.  I say if we understand grace properly it changes the way we live and I don’t think people are talking about that enough.

A believer who has been made so by the redemptive work of Christ should give his life afterward to pursing Him and becoming a disciple. His very life–the way he lives in every part–should reflect the life-changing power of the Savior. That is a point that shouldn’t have to be rehashed; that is why I don’t “talk about grace” more than I do. Grace is the foundational force which changes the way we live.

But we’re not living it.

And that’s what I feel compelled to talk about.

Godly marriage advice?

Recently an older woman, a woman who has been a Christian for years, a pillar-member of her church, asked me if my daughter was dating anyone.

Digging for a short answer I replied, “No, we’re waiting until she’s ready to get married before she looks for a husband.”

She turned to my daughter and said sincerely, with a sober face, “Just make sure he’s rich and treats you good, and if he’s nice-looking that would be good too”.

That was her shining, Titus 2 moment.

“But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction…But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.“ 1 Timothy 6:9

I was so deflated. I answered (gently, and with a smile), “Well, actually our main criterion is that he loves the Lord.”

If young women can’t get solid, biblical counsel from the matriarchs of the church, then where’s the hope?

Watch for a post soon on the problem with her question in the first place: why I think Christians should be appalled by the dating system.

I would encourage all of you older women to earnestly seek opportunities to teach the younger women what the word of God says.  Even in the small moments your words can have tremendous impact.