What’s it for?

It’s not just that the practice is faulty, though it is, or that other practices don’t have flaws, because they do, it’s our fundamental understanding that is wrong.

Dating came from a practice whose purpose was to find a marriage partner.  That’s the whole point.  How did we arrive, then, at encouraging our young people to date and then acting shocked if they talk of marrying before the age of 25?  We expect our 14 year old to become romantically involved with someone and fully expect that they will NOT get married.  We commit parental schizophrenia!

What’s really normal?

In this process we not only permit but encourage our children to commit adultery-like behavior that will follow them into marriage.  What I mean is that our daughter is somebody’s wife, even when she’s young.  Our son is someone’s husband. As Scripture clearly uses language in describing Christ and the church we get a picture of what is expected on the wedding day–a spotless bride.  That is, at the altar, for centuries, it was fully expected that the two getting married had never been romantically involved with anyone else.  This is normal.  What we have now is brand new, and certainly not normal; it’s just all we know in our short life spans.

Forget the fact that by embracing the dating system we submit our children to larger-than-life temptations, the likes of which we wouldn’t permit ourselves to endure, and waste enormous time and energy that should otherwise be spent preparing them for life and marriage.  They aren’t even supposed to be thinking in the direction of romance until they’re ready to get married.

If you are reading and haven’t given the concept of dating much thought, I challenge you to ask yourself a few questions:

1. What is the purpose for allowing my children to date?

2.  Is that purpose working to better prepare them to be a husband or wife?

3.  Can a mother and father present their daughter at the wedding altar and “give this woman” if they haven’t “kept” her throughout her preparations for becoming a wife?

4.  Does dating allow a person to come wholly to his or her spouse?

You may be interested in the other articles I’ve written on dating and courtship which are listed in the “categories” drop-down menu in the side bar.

I think it is worth noting, though it seems like stating the obvious, that a serious decision like marriage should warrant years of preparation.   Most often in our culture, we seem to miss this.  We think that kids can (and deserve) to just have fun during their teen years, with little responsibility and even less preparation for their adult lives.

Is it little wonder, then, why so many couples struggle to even stay together?  Much less flourish in marriage.  Good marriages don’t just happen.  And as parents, we have a grave responsibility to help prepare our children for the next phase of their lives.

These are random thought my husband and I have had about how to prepare sons (and some will apply to daughters), and I’m hoping many of you will lend your thoughts and advice as well (especially if you have married children!)

• Paint the picture. We start early by talking  about the concept of keeping one’s self for marriage.  Nothing heavy, but even as early as 9 or 10 we are painting the picture of giving all of one’s self to a spouse.  It is quite a natural thought when discussed regularly, and the idea of recreational dating becomes absurd.
• Vision. As sons get older, they need parents to lay out a vision of what is expected.

Financial responsibility is something we talk about.  Sons need to enter marriage not only financially secure (i.e. at the least, providing income, preferably a nice savings and I would suggest NO debt), but also with a solid grasp of wise financial behavior.  If parents helped their children with just this one thing, it would save many a heartaches in their marriages.

Spiritual leadership. A man doesn’t just become a spiritual leader once he is wed.

(I’d kindly ask that those who hold an egalitarian view of marriage save your comments.  I know the arguments, the Greek definitions, the interpretations–I’ve heard every angle, so you don’t have to spend your time trying to convince me.  I also know the Bible never uses the term “spiritual leader”.   If it makes you feel better, believing a husband should be a spiritual leader DOES NOT  imply that a wife can’t be equally knowledgeable and spiritually wise.)

Helping sons take responsibility in this area is something easily overlooked, but vitally important.  Of course talking about it is one way to emphasize its importance, but  getting him in the habit of leading will make the transition natural.  Having him read Scripture to the family as soon as he is old enough to read is one way.  As he matures later on, Dad may have him prepare and lead the family in short devotions from time to time.  I think it’s important to challenge both our sons and daughters about spiritual matters by asking them questions and pressing them to “rightly divide the word of truth”.

Honor. Believing that husbands should honor their wives, we expect our sons to “practice” by honoring their mother and sisters. This is an area where I think Dad especially needs to hold the line and require it. I try to remind my boys to let the girls get out of the van first, and I try to make them alert to helping them carry things, opening doors, etc.  You know, all those things that now offend many women.  Chivalry is still encouraged at our house.

Example. I’m guessing the most important thing parents can do for their children in general, is to model the behavior they wish to teach.  Nothing cuts deeper into my soul than those words, because I fail SO often.  And yet I am reminded that “more is caught than taught”.

I’m eager to hear some of your thoughts on this…like everything else with raising children, I think it’s about being deliberate.  Thinking ahead and asking the question…”what kind of husband do we want him to be?”  And then gearing your thoughts and actions toward preparing him to be that husband.

Justin & Melissa

Whenever I bring up a topic, it’s invariably difficult to know whether to preface it with basic explanations for those unfamiliar with it, or to jump into the nuts and bolts for others.

With courtship, it seems there are so many misunderstandings about it, even among those who have “seen” it or are somewhat familiar.  I think it needs to be restated…courtship is not a magical formula, or a fool-proof method.

It’s really no method at all, but an attempt by those who recognize the danger and unbiblical nature of recreational dating to find a more sensible approach to marriage.

So before we talk about the practical side of it, I wanted to post some links I think many will find helpful and informative.

(If you’ve been reading for a while, these articles are probably a repeat for you…my apologies

Beautiful courtship stories of two of our friends:

A Story That Must Be Told

Happily Ever After

Courtship explained:

It’s Not Really About Kissing

Courtship Gaining Popularity

No Dating?  And What is Courtship?

More Problems With Dating

A Personal Note:  Final Thoughts on Dating & Courtship–my story

I will likely be linking randomly to Seasons of Courtship throughout this discussion.  They have some great, inspirational and practical information that I think families will find very helpful. 

One of the most helpful things to us has been watching and hearing about other families who have walked through the courtship process.  It’s always helpful to glean from what has been beneficial and what has not as we think about how it will play out in our own families.

The following is one such story…there are so many, and I will post several of them throughout this series to give you encouragement and ideas.

“…I’d always wondered just what being grilled by a prospective father-in-law might be like.  The experience actually turned out to be rather enjoyable.  We had some very late nights where it seemed like nobody wanted to break up the party!  We discussed my purpose in life, my strengths and weaknesses, and most of all, why I wanted to marry Allison!

On October 4, Dana informed Allison of my interest.  Then…I waited.  And waited.  After a nail-biting week, she finally replied that she was willing to get to know me….”

The rest of the story…The courtship story of Quinton and Allison

Of course there must be the disclaimer: the word “courtship” means  different things to different people.  It really isn’t a definitive word.  But for lack of a better one, I’m using it to refer to a more biblical approach to marriage–the opposite of “recreational dating”.

Every family who practices courtship looks different, perhaps feels differently and has different ideas of how it is to be played out.  Still, many of us (and more all the time) agree that the current system of finding a spouse is having horrible results, both during the dating time and in the marriage itself.

So, the next few days will center around the ideas behind a different approach to marriage.  No rules about how it’s done per se, but some things to think about.  (By the way, I feel strongly that the father is to be the primary facilitator in this process, so I would encourage you to let him read these posts as well

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Meet the Wallers. I met the Wallers 3 years ago.  They came to our home and spoke to a group about their ministry in Israel.  The Wallers are a unique family in every way.  You know that just by looking at them.  Even to the most conservative, they are an intriguing family.

Years ago, they left a very “normal”, fast-paced, corporate life and moved out into the country to “live off the grid”.  They go back and forth between the states and Israel, where the heart of their ministry lies.

I’ve never met anyone like them before.  I’ve never seen such joy, absolute freedom, contentment, honesty, passion and love for every person they meet all wrapped up in one family.  You can’t meet them and not be affected.  Christ’s love oozes out of them.

This is a sneak peak of a documentary about their first son’s betrothal and marriage  (they don’t practice courtship, but a model very closely defined by the Hebraic tradition.)  I thought it would be fun to see something so uniquely wonderful.

I AM in Love

For those interested, here is a brief film on the Waller’s Journey Home…

(Disclaimer:  Though I mentioned bank accounts in this post, I didn’t really intend for the focus to be there; I’m not trying to make a firm statement about whether or not couples should have separate bank accounts.  It was really just an example (that I think could have many exceptions) to illustrate a tangible element of oneness in marriage.)

I believe more and more that Christians completely miss the beautiful reality of oneness in marriage.  One flesh–”A man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh”.  Genesis 2:24

It shows up in our daily lives, our finances, our decisions, our children, and sadly, most often, in our divorces.

This lack of understanding comes from a failure to understand what marriage is, and more importantly, whose marriage is.  Marriage is an institution God created.  Period.  Yes, just like everything else, we managed to turn it into a government-involved affair, but God invented marriage, and as such, He invented the rules.

“What God has joined together, let no man separate”.  All too often, that is just a trite formality at the end of a ceremony.  My heart breaks thinking about the divorce rate among believers in light of this command to become one.   Do you know what would happen in a physical sense if one was torn in two?

Truly, if  He created us to be one flesh, how CAN we separate?  Do we ever really?

But the separation starts SO much earlier than at the attorney’s office.  It starts in every detail of our day.  Are we one flesh?  What does that look like?

I think it’s fairly common for husbands and wives to have separate banking accounts.  I don’t mean to step on toes–maybe there’s a good reason I don’t know about, but what is it?  There is no such thing as my money his money when you are one, is there?  That may not be a terrible thing in and of itself, but does it represent oneness?

“But you’re suggesting that I completely lose my identity!”  In a sense, yes.  One more problem with our culture’s inundation of  “my rights, my freedoms, my happiness…”

Marriage was designed to make us holy, not happy.  (Although happiness is a nice by-product

One flesh thinks in the same direction, has a unified heart, and ultimately functions as a single entity. 

(Perhaps this is why God placed one person as “head”…still talking body-language, there can’t be two heads on one flesh!  He didn’t do it to oppress us, He did it to keep us from looking like freaks and trying to walk in two different directions!)

On a side note, I also think this is why it is monumental that parents are involved in helping their children find mates.  Is that potential spouse going to be a person with whom your son or daughter can become one flesh with?

Pray for oneness in your marriage.  Take some time and really think about what that means.  Are we living out in the details of our lives?

Several commenters already hit on this important point–THE point of the discussion:

Dating doesn’t even have a place among people who aren’t ready for marriage.

I know, bizarre statement in our culture. “Dating” (a relatively new term in  America) was originally a way two people got to know each other in the context of families to see if there was potential for marriage. Parents observed the potential spouse, stopped some before they ever approached, and helped guide their children through the hazards/benefits they saw in the potential partner. The actual idea of recreational dating–dating at 14, 15, 16 years of age “just because”–as a mere hobby–is absurd if anyone will take the time to think it through.

Often I get the response, “Right…and I’m so sure you can convince your children of that.” Or, “if you *make* your kids do that they will rebel”.

Another grave misunderstanding about the whole thing. When children are raised with the idea that recreational dating is, well, dumb and worse–harmful, it’s not a forced idea; they embrace it for themselves, much like any other idea you are diligent to teach your children.

We aren’t talking about “arranged marriage” either.  We’re talking about parents being involved in one of the most important decisions in the life of their children, just like they’ve been involved (hopefully) in the other ones.  It would seem only logical, and yet we’ve been convinced it’s “meddling” (???)

And, although we want a  “how-to-manual” for the alternative, I don’t think it’s a formula…I think it’s a principle, that will look different in possibly every situation.

And that principle basically says you spend your youth developing your skills, your character, your interests and gifts–preparing for what the Lord has for you as an adult.  You do NOT spend it in intimate relationships with people who will one day be complete strangers to you.  That in no way prepares a person for marriage, and as we’ve discussed, can actually bring detriment.

When a young person is of the age he or she is considering marriage, prayerful consideration is the first important step.  Trusting that God will honor those who seek Him for a marital partner is key.

Then as families come into your family’s life, people get to know each other–in a real way, not just in a “dating facade”.  As interests are expressed, the parents and son or daughter can have objective discussions about compatibility and potential problems, without a blind, emotional screen.

I plead with Christian parents to really think about this thing.  Who should be dictating the method by which we escort our children into the most important institution on earth?

Believe God…trust HIM to guide this crucial process.  The alternative is trusting the culture’s method.  With its track record, who in their right mind would continue to gamble on it?

From the archives:

I posted about the courtship stories of two of our dear friends…if you haven’t read them, they’re quite inspiring!

A Story That Must Be Told:  Lucy and Cody

Happily Ever After:  Melissa and Justin

I was a victim of the dating system, as probably most of you were; so unfortunately I speak from experience, not from a “prudish, weird, unattainable model that only middle eastern countries embrace.  I dated…A LOT.  I wasn’t the poor girl that got left out of the dating system, lest you think I’m just bitter   If I’m bitter, it’s because I was fed a lie from a culture that doesn’t care about purity, truth and how dating affects  marriage.  And I will do all I can to stop that lie that continues to perpetuate and rob our children, and often brings shame to the picture of Christ and his bride.

In keeping with last week’s post about being “set apart”, Christians need to be asking ourselves why that difference hasn’t shown up in our approach to finding a marriage partner.

 I blog about this topic for ONE reason:  because I ache over the flippancy believers have toward preparing their children for marriage.  I think we have embraced a system that is not of God, and worse,  defend it to those who would dare question it.  I think it’s one of Satan’s biggest knee-slappers, and I think the modern system of dating  has a lot to do with why our marriages are failing.  I want Christians to think from a biblical as well as logical perspective in the hopes of saving their children from unnecessary tragedy–PURE CONCERN.  That’s why I write it.

And I’m going to start with two specific questions, spurred by an article a friend sent me (I’ll post it later) to challenge your thinking…I would love for you to answer as honestly and simply as you can:

“Do you expect your children to kiss anyone before marriage?”

“What is kissing for?”

“The sting of that “all-American dating system” was painful enough to jar us to our senses, and make us do whatever it took to keep these precious children entrusted to us out of the same filthy pit.”

It’s rather timely that the last two posts–one about the harm of intimate relationships before marriage, and the other about homeschooling–are back to back because the two are very closely related for my husband and me.  And as I explain that, you might see too, why it can be crushing for people to sling hateful insults at me for my strong stand about homeschooling.  It’s much deeper than education in my eyes.  In fact, that I think homeschooling affords a better educational opportunity than most settings is simply a “perk”.  It’s not the main reason we homeschool.

The single thing that first prompted us to consider homeschooling was our yucky dating history and all the baggage we brought into marriage.  The sting of that “all-American dating system” was painful enough to jar us to our senses, and make us do whatever it took to keep these precious children entrusted to us out of the same filthy pit.

Easy enough?  No.  How would we keep them from embracing the same system that almost everyone does?  If all their friends are dating, how do we steer them down a different path?  They would seem so odd that even if we managed to preserve their hearts and bodies, they’d be wrecked with emotional damage from the teasing!

Our journey to homeschooling was a backward one, with the firm resolution that they wouldn’t give themselves to recreational dating as the starting point. To us, at the time, this decision to preserve them was one of the most important ones we had to make for our children.  And, (knowing nothing about homeschooling), EVEN if homeschooling wasn’t ideal, the protection in this area would be worth it.

Fast forward…of course we found so many more reasons to homeschool than we ever dreamed, but being able to surround our children with a peer group that exalts purity and honor is enough, hands down, to take this path.  Our children aren’t grown yet, but our oldest, at 15,  already deeply understands, longs for, and delights in the expectation of the gift she will be giving to her husband.  I can tell you that purity was not on my mind at that age–it was long gone.  Praise God for His merciful gifts!

So, before the insults are hurled, consider that maybe, from my own deep hurts, my intent in encouraging homeschooling lies no further than doing all I can to save one heart break, one struggling relationship, one family from the devastation that so often the dating game brings.

Oh I know not everyone had such a bad dating experience as I, (by the way, it would probably have been considered a “good” dating experience at the time), but overall, statistics don’t lie, and the general population of young people are being corrupted beyond repair at neck-break speed.  And the fortunate ones who escape STDs, or  pregnancies/abortions, have troubles that await them at the altar.  It’s not God’s plan.

I compare my telling to knowing about a harmful disease that could be avoided.  Would I be faulted for standing on top of a building and shouting the warning?  Seems to me the more you care about people, the more passionate you should be in sharing things you feel will help them avoid harm…but that’s my opinion

We have all but abandoned the idea of true purity in the upbringing of our children, even laughing and scorning the “extreme” ideas when they are brought up.

Tell a typical person (even a believer) that you expect your children to wait until marriage for their first kiss, and you will almost definitely be met with laughter. I’ve had a pastor laugh at me for saying it. Or better yet, that your children will not be dating until they are ready for marriage.

And yet, not so very long ago, it was common even among pagans!

Having had such a tainted past full of immoral relationships and heart-giving years, I knew when I had children I would do anything to try to prevent that for them.

Which can be odd to some; I talked to a friend who claimed that all her intimate relationships helped shape who she is and prepared her for marriage. She is divorced now. I don’t believe that jargon for a minute.

We have allowed a godless culture to dictate what is normal to us. And the culture has no authority in our lives concerning matters of importance. Is it because the Bible doesn’t say, “Thou shalt not kiss before marriage” that we take the culture’s clues? (Even though it DOES say “It is not good for a man to touch a woman”.)

We must create “normal” for our children. We must love them enough to not care about the scorn of those around us.

Practicing intimate relationships (this includes more than just physical) in preparation for marriage doesn’t even make good sense logically. Add to that the counsel of Scripture and Christians ought not be caught dead buying into the dating game.

I get sick to my stomach when we visit a church and the teenagers are hugged up on each other. Physically ill, because I know the damage already done and continuing to be done, and I know that with marriages already at odds, the baggage kids are carrying into them isn’t increasing their chances of strong, lasting unions.

Parents…pour your hearts into considering this issue. Dating is not just a cute, popular thing to do with harmless effects. It is party to the devastating divorce rate wreaking more and more havoc on our society.

Sometimes I see parents who are battling nervous breakdowns, raising their grandchildren because of their grown children’s marital turmoil, and I wonder how much of it is the stinging effect of the “innocent” dating life? Perhaps parenting isn’t as easy as “getting them out of the house”. If we want them to be a part of the “fun, dating life”, we shouldn’t be alarmed when they also become a part of the divorce statistics.

And of course, most everyone one of us dated. Not everyone with dating baggage gets a divorce. I am pointing out, though, that the stats are way too high–especially for Christians. We’re doing something terribly wrong.

I beg you, be willing to be “odd” to save your children the deepest heartache.