It’s Not Really About Kissing

I sparked this dating discussion with thoughts about waiting until marriage to kiss; the heart of the matter, though, has little to do with kissing, but rather taking a whole new look at the error of the cultural dating system, why it’s flawed and understanding the alternative.

Several commenters already hit on this important point–THE point of the discussion:

Dating doesn’t even have a place among people who aren’t ready for marriage.

I know, bizarre statement in our culture. “Dating” (a relatively new term in  America) was originally a way two people got to know each other in the context of families to see if there was potential for marriage. Parents observed the potential spouse, stopped some before they ever approached, and helped guide their children through the hazards/benefits they saw in the potential partner. The actual idea of recreational dating–dating at 14, 15, 16 years of age “just because”–as a mere hobby–is absurd if anyone will take the time to think it through.

Often I get the response, “Right…and I’m so sure you can convince your children of that.” Or, “if you *make* your kids do that they will rebel”.

Another grave misunderstanding about the whole thing. When children are raised with the idea that recreational dating is, well, dumb and worse–harmful, it’s not a forced idea; they embrace it for themselves, much like any other idea you are diligent to teach your children.

We aren’t talking about “arranged marriage” either.  We’re talking about parents being involved in one of the most important decisions in the life of their children, just like they’ve been involved (hopefully) in the other ones.  It would seem only logical, and yet we’ve been convinced it’s “meddling” (???)

And, although we want a  “how-to-manual” for the alternative, I don’t think it’s a formula…I think it’s a principle, that will look different in possibly every situation.

And that principle basically says you spend your youth developing your skills, your character, your interests and gifts–preparing for what the Lord has for you as an adult.  You do NOT spend it in intimate relationships with people who will one day be complete strangers to you.  That in no way prepares a person for marriage, and as we’ve discussed, can actually bring detriment.

When a young person is of the age he or she is considering marriage, prayerful consideration is the first important step.  Trusting that God will honor those who seek Him for a marital partner is key.

Then as families come into your family’s life, people get to know each other–in a real way, not just in a “dating facade”.  As interests are expressed, the parents and son or daughter can have objective discussions about compatibility and potential problems, without a blind, emotional screen.

I plead with Christian parents to really think about this thing.  Who should be dictating the method by which we escort our children into the most important institution on earth?

Believe God…trust HIM to guide this crucial process.  The alternative is trusting the culture’s method.  With its track record, who in their right mind would continue to gamble on it?

From the archives:

I posted about the courtship stories of two of our dear friends…if you haven’t read them, they’re quite inspiring!

A Story That Must Be Told:  Lucy and Cody

Happily Ever After:  Melissa and Justin

The Dating Game: Should Christians be Kissing Before Marriage?

It’s one of my most passionate topics (no pun intended)–the debate over America’s system of recreational dating.   I’ll say up front, this is a topic I am burdened about as it relates to Christians; many find my stance absurd, and I would fully expect that unbelievers would as well, so if your comment is simply an attack or jab, please refrain.  You’re welcome to disagree, but only in the vein of sincere discussion.

I was a victim of the dating system, as probably most of you were; so unfortunately I speak from experience, not from a “prudish, weird, unattainable model that only middle eastern countries embrace.  I dated…A LOT.  I wasn’t the poor girl that got left out of the dating system, lest you think I’m just bitter   If I’m bitter, it’s because I was fed a lie from a culture that doesn’t care about purity, truth and how dating affects  marriage.  And I will do all I can to stop that lie that continues to perpetuate and rob our children, and often brings shame to the picture of Christ and his bride.

In keeping with last week’s post about being “set apart”, Christians need to be asking ourselves why that difference hasn’t shown up in our approach to finding a marriage partner.

 I blog about this topic for ONE reason:  because I ache over the flippancy believers have toward preparing their children for marriage.  I think we have embraced a system that is not of God, and worse,  defend it to those who would dare question it.  I think it’s one of Satan’s biggest knee-slappers, and I think the modern system of dating  has a lot to do with why our marriages are failing.  I want Christians to think from a biblical as well as logical perspective in the hopes of saving their children from unnecessary tragedy–PURE CONCERN.  That’s why I write it.

And I’m going to start with two specific questions, spurred by an article a friend sent me (I’ll post it later) to challenge your thinking…I would love for you to answer as honestly and simply as you can:

“Do you expect your children to kiss anyone before marriage?”

“What is kissing for?”

Can Homeschooling Improve Marriage?

“The sting of that “all-American dating system” was painful enough to jar us to our senses, and make us do whatever it took to keep these precious children entrusted to us out of the same filthy pit.”

It’s rather timely that the last two posts–one about the harm of intimate relationships before marriage, and the other about homeschooling–are back to back because the two are very closely related for my husband and me.  And as I explain that, you might see too, why it can be crushing for people to sling hateful insults at me for my strong stand about homeschooling.  It’s much deeper than education in my eyes.  In fact, that I think homeschooling affords a better educational opportunity than most settings is simply a “perk”.  It’s not the main reason we homeschool.

The single thing that first prompted us to consider homeschooling was our yucky dating history and all the baggage we brought into marriage.  The sting of that “all-American dating system” was painful enough to jar us to our senses, and make us do whatever it took to keep these precious children entrusted to us out of the same filthy pit.

Easy enough?  No.  How would we keep them from embracing the same system that almost everyone does?  If all their friends are dating, how do we steer them down a different path?  They would seem so odd that even if we managed to preserve their hearts and bodies, they’d be wrecked with emotional damage from the teasing!

Our journey to homeschooling was a backward one, with the firm resolution that they wouldn’t give themselves to recreational dating as the starting point. To us, at the time, this decision to preserve them was one of the most important ones we had to make for our children.  And, (knowing nothing about homeschooling), EVEN if homeschooling wasn’t ideal, the protection in this area would be worth it.

Fast forward…of course we found so many more reasons to homeschool than we ever dreamed, but being able to surround our children with a peer group that exalts purity and honor is enough, hands down, to take this path.  Our children aren’t grown yet, but our oldest, at 15,  already deeply understands, longs for, and delights in the expectation of the gift she will be giving to her husband.  I can tell you that purity was not on my mind at that age–it was long gone.  Praise God for His merciful gifts!

So, before the insults are hurled, consider that maybe, from my own deep hurts, my intent in encouraging homeschooling lies no further than doing all I can to save one heart break, one struggling relationship, one family from the devastation that so often the dating game brings.

Oh I know not everyone had such a bad dating experience as I, (by the way, it would probably have been considered a “good” dating experience at the time), but overall, statistics don’t lie, and the general population of young people are being corrupted beyond repair at neck-break speed.  And the fortunate ones who escape STDs, or  pregnancies/abortions, have troubles that await them at the altar.  It’s not God’s plan.

I compare my telling to knowing about a harmful disease that could be avoided.  Would I be faulted for standing on top of a building and shouting the warning?  Seems to me the more you care about people, the more passionate you should be in sharing things you feel will help them avoid harm…but that’s my opinion

Preserving Their Purity

Even though I’ve touched on this subject before, it is, perhaps, one of the closest to my heart, and one I think the Christian community is desperate to hear.

We have all but abandoned the idea of true purity in the upbringing of our children, even laughing and scorning the “extreme” ideas when they are brought up.

Tell a typical person (even a believer) that you expect your children to wait until marriage for their first kiss, and you will almost definitely be met with laughter. I’ve had a pastor laugh at me for saying it. Or better yet, that your children will not be dating until they are ready for marriage.

And yet, not so very long ago, it was common even among pagans!

Having had such a tainted past full of immoral relationships and heart-giving years, I knew when I had children I would do anything to try to prevent that for them.

Which can be odd to some; I talked to a friend who claimed that all her intimate relationships helped shape who she is and prepared her for marriage. She is divorced now. I don’t believe that jargon for a minute.

We have allowed a godless culture to dictate what is normal to us. And the culture has no authority in our lives concerning matters of importance. Is it because the Bible doesn’t say, “Thou shalt not kiss before marriage” that we take the culture’s clues? (Even though it DOES say “It is not good for a man to touch a woman”.)

We must create “normal” for our children. We must love them enough to not care about the scorn of those around us.

Practicing intimate relationships (this includes more than just physical) in preparation for marriage doesn’t even make good sense logically. Add to that the counsel of Scripture and Christians ought not be caught dead buying into the dating game.

I get sick to my stomach when we visit a church and the teenagers are hugged up on each other. Physically ill, because I know the damage already done and continuing to be done, and I know that with marriages already at odds, the baggage kids are carrying into them isn’t increasing their chances of strong, lasting unions.

Parents…pour your hearts into considering this issue. Dating is not just a cute, popular thing to do with harmless effects. It is party to the devastating divorce rate wreaking more and more havoc on our society.

Sometimes I see parents who are battling nervous breakdowns, raising their grandchildren because of their grown children’s marital turmoil, and I wonder how much of it is the stinging effect of the “innocent” dating life? Perhaps parenting isn’t as easy as “getting them out of the house”. If we want them to be a part of the “fun, dating life”, we shouldn’t be alarmed when they also become a part of the divorce statistics.

And of course, most everyone one of us dated. Not everyone with dating baggage gets a divorce. I am pointing out, though, that the stats are way too high–especially for Christians. We’re doing something terribly wrong.

I beg you, be willing to be “odd” to save your children the deepest heartache.

The Story of Our Journey

“Grace, Grace, God’s grace….grace that is greater than all my sin.”

By God’s grace, I met a wonderful man (we were both working at Red Lobster), actually while I was engaged to another employee there. Both my husband and I were saved, or for me “returned” to my faith shortly before we married. I had a 4-year old little girl and a whole lot of baggage from my past. But we were walking in the right direction and I cannot express enough how I believe God was working in our lives.

No Fault Divorce: A Failed Experiment

Another social experiment failing us miserably: no fault divorce.

“But they will say, ‘It’s hopeless! For we are going to follow our own plans, and each of us will act according to the stubbornness of his evil heart.” Jeremiah 18:12

A leading advocate for no-fault divorce laws was a feminist law professor named Herma Hill Kay. Because couples were lying in court to try to obtain a divorce in the former system (which required proof of wrong-doing), and lawyers and judges felt this activity “threatened the integrity of the American justice system”, the no fault divorce law was passed in 1970, after Governor Ronald Regan signed The Family Law Act in the state of CA in 1969.

Obvious consequences have followed that have broken the family:

“Members of the fathers’ rights movement state that laws establishing no-fault divorce can be seen as one of the boldest social experiments in modern history that have effectively ended marriage as a legal contract. They also state that it is not possible to form a binding agreement to create a family, adding that government officials can, at the request of one spouse, end a marriage over the objection of the other. They add that no-fault divorce has left fathers with no protection against what they describe as the confiscation of their children.”

I hardly attend a marriage these days without secretly feeling a bit sick at my stomach, wondering if the vows being spoken are being revered as holy, unchangeable and immutable, as a covenant before God. I wonder as we (meaning, as a society) allow our sons and daughters to be so flippant in their dating life, to become intimate with who knows who, if it doesn’t have something to do with the flippancy now associated with marriage and divorce.

And I wonder, what does God think of it all? How do we pick up the broken pieces of the mess we’ve made and continue to make? And those messes now being passed down to the next generation grow messier as they accumulate.

Can we reclaim the sacredness of marriage? Can we convince a new generation that marriage is for life? And therefore not to be entered without the most careful prayer, counsel and preparation?

“The idea that marriage is a covenant larger than the two people who make it has been lost. Marriage vows and the promise made to each other during those vows have lost their value. This is evident in the high divorce rate in the United States.”

“Family Court Judge Randall Hekman said, “It is easier to divorce my wife of 26 years than to fire someone I hired one week ago. The person I hire has more legal clout than my wife of 26 years. That’s wrong.”

And an on-line ad I found:

~~~~~~”We offer Do It Yourself Divorce, Divorce Forms, Divorce Papers and Divorce Kits. We know from our experience and research that many couples can handle their own, no-fault divorce without the assistance of an attorney, saving thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees and maintaining control over their divorce action. We have helped thousands of couples do their own divorce. Our products and services are designed for simple, no-fault (uncontested) divorce cases.”~~~~~~~

And another look at the reality of what divorce does to children:

“

Instead of looking at marital breakup in terms of an ethic of obligation to others, Americans began to see it in terms of an ethic of obligation to the self. In other words, no longer were the parents’ interests presumed to be subordinate to their children’s; instead, individual happiness became the new standard by which a marriage was judged.”

“Even though 80 percent of men and 50 percent of women felt their lives were better after divorce, the effects on children were disastrous. By almost every measure, children in divorced families fared worse: emotional problems, early sexual experimenting, dropping out of school, delinquency, teen pregnancy, and drug use. Remarriage was no solution; children in stepfamilies were two to three times more likely than their counterparts to suffer emotional and behavioral problems and twice as likely to have learning problems.”

“But the case is not so clear in marriages marked by marital dissatisfaction, emotional estrangement, boredom, or another romantic interest. In these instances, adults, who are more resilient than children, can be expected to sacrifice some of their own interests in order to preserve the stable and caring home necessary for their offspring to flourish. Traditionally, spouses were obligated not merely to stay in a troubled marriage for the sake of the children but to improve it.”

These last quotes from The American Myth of Divorce