No Fault Divorce: A Failed Experiment

Another social experiment failing us miserably: no fault divorce.

“But they will say, ‘It’s hopeless! For we are going to follow our own plans, and each of us will act according to the stubbornness of his evil heart.” Jeremiah 18:12

A leading advocate for no-fault divorce laws was a feminist law professor named Herma Hill Kay. Because couples were lying in court to try to obtain a divorce in the former system (which required proof of wrong-doing), and lawyers and judges felt this activity “threatened the integrity of the American justice system”, the no fault divorce law was passed in 1970, after Governor Ronald Regan signed The Family Law Act in the state of CA in 1969.

Obvious consequences have followed that have broken the family:

“Members of the fathers’ rights movement state that laws establishing no-fault divorce can be seen as one of the boldest social experiments in modern history that have effectively ended marriage as a legal contract. They also state that it is not possible to form a binding agreement to create a family, adding that government officials can, at the request of one spouse, end a marriage over the objection of the other. They add that no-fault divorce has left fathers with no protection against what they describe as the confiscation of their children.”

I hardly attend a marriage these days without secretly feeling a bit sick at my stomach, wondering if the vows being spoken are being revered as holy, unchangeable and immutable, as a covenant before God. I wonder as we (meaning, as a society) allow our sons and daughters to be so flippant in their dating life, to become intimate with who knows who, if it doesn’t have something to do with the flippancy now associated with marriage and divorce.

And I wonder, what does God think of it all? How do we pick up the broken pieces of the mess we’ve made and continue to make? And those messes now being passed down to the next generation grow messier as they accumulate.

Can we reclaim the sacredness of marriage? Can we convince a new generation that marriage is for life? And therefore not to be entered without the most careful prayer, counsel and preparation?

“The idea that marriage is a covenant larger than the two people who make it has been lost. Marriage vows and the promise made to each other during those vows have lost their value. This is evident in the high divorce rate in the United States.”

“Family Court Judge Randall Hekman said, “It is easier to divorce my wife of 26 years than to fire someone I hired one week ago. The person I hire has more legal clout than my wife of 26 years. That’s wrong.”

And an on-line ad I found:

~~~~~~”We offer Do It Yourself Divorce, Divorce Forms, Divorce Papers and Divorce Kits. We know from our experience and research that many couples can handle their own, no-fault divorce without the assistance of an attorney, saving thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees and maintaining control over their divorce action. We have helped thousands of couples do their own divorce. Our products and services are designed for simple, no-fault (uncontested) divorce cases.”~~~~~~~

And another look at the reality of what divorce does to children:

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Instead of looking at marital breakup in terms of an ethic of obligation to others, Americans began to see it in terms of an ethic of obligation to the self. In other words, no longer were the parents’ interests presumed to be subordinate to their children’s; instead, individual happiness became the new standard by which a marriage was judged.”

“Even though 80 percent of men and 50 percent of women felt their lives were better after divorce, the effects on children were disastrous. By almost every measure, children in divorced families fared worse: emotional problems, early sexual experimenting, dropping out of school, delinquency, teen pregnancy, and drug use. Remarriage was no solution; children in stepfamilies were two to three times more likely than their counterparts to suffer emotional and behavioral problems and twice as likely to have learning problems.”

“But the case is not so clear in marriages marked by marital dissatisfaction, emotional estrangement, boredom, or another romantic interest. In these instances, adults, who are more resilient than children, can be expected to sacrifice some of their own interests in order to preserve the stable and caring home necessary for their offspring to flourish. Traditionally, spouses were obligated not merely to stay in a troubled marriage for the sake of the children but to improve it.”

These last quotes from The American Myth of Divorce

Courtship–Gaining Popularity

For those who are disappointed with the results of the dating scene, an alternative is now gaining popularity. Before automobiles and the information age, those eligible for marriage practiced a custom known as courtship. Some grandparents can probably still remember the days when young ladies did not go out with men unchaperoned. Instead, family and group activities were the most common and accepted form of socialization between the sexes.

When a couple believed that their interests could involve ones of eventual marriage, they began some form of courtship. Courting was used to become better acquainted with the other party and his/her family. Family involvement generally played a significant role in the courtship process. The practice of courting has been a vital part of the Judeo-Christian culture for thousands of years. This old fashioned idea is currently gaining a following of singles that are looking for smarter ways of tying the knot and keeping it tied.

With the AIDS epidemic and a divorce rate hovering over 50%, many are expressing strong concern in the area of relationships and marriage. Most marriage counselors now recommend taking a more “preventive” approach to marriage. It is much easier to have a healthy lasting marriage if you don’t enter in with a lot of “emotional baggage” from past relationships.

Counselors say that the key elements to a successful marriage are friendship, compatibility and strong communication skills Courtship is viewed as a viable means of developing these elements.
The main difference between dating and courtship is the attitude that one assumes towards relationships and the activities in which the couple engages before marriage. Contemporary dating is generally a self-focused past time. It is characterized by expectations of physical/emotional intimacy without commitment. Self-gratification is paramount. If either party is no longer gratified the relationship ends; thus, a cycle of short-term relationship begins and continues.

In courtship, both individuals have the understanding that marriage is the eventual goal of the relationship. Courtship takes a more thoughtful, long- term approach to a premarital relationship. The emphasis is on developing friendships and seeking compatibility in ones future mate. Courtship doesn’t actually begin until each feels that the other person could be a perspective marriage partner. Their time together is spent getting to know teach other better through conversation and group socialization, rather than sexual intimacy.

Various Christian books and recent radio programs have given much attention to the subject of courtship. Josh Harris’ book Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Elizabeth Elliot’s Passion and Purity are two top sellers. The Internet is another excellent resource.

From LeaderU.com

Interesting Dating Facts…Increased Rate of Divorce?

From Wickipedia….

“Before the 1960s, dating as we know it did not exist. Those who dated did so with the intent of finding a future marriage partner. Today this is referred to as courting.

After the women’s movement, the men’s movement, the sexual revolution, and other movements that have influenced modern Western culture, this “old-fashioned” form of dating waned in popularity. Formal dating consists of one person (usually the male) contacting another person (usually the female) to arrange a date.”

Those movements just keep getting us into scrapes, huh? This is why it’s so interesting that if you mention “not dating”, most people look at you as if you’ve grown two heads. They can’t conceive of anything else, as new as the modern system of dating is–less than 50 years old! If someone had any stats on the divorce rate specifically over the last 50 years, that would be interesting!

What To Do While Other Kids are Dating…

One of the biggest differences in the world’s model of dating and what many are embracing as “courtship”, is not in the process at all, but in the way we treat the “teen” years so differently. We don’t view this time as merely a passing of the day from one recreation to the next, but as a crucial time for growing, preparing and maturing.

We certainly enjoy the day we’re in, but always with a mind for tomorrow.

(And please be advised…this is not a “we’ve figured it out so let me tell you how it works” kind of post We are working through these things, with many struggles, just like any other family, including my own constant sinfulness.)

Somewhere in recent years, a teen culture has emerged with its “rights” and privileges that ultimately keeps children from growing up. I am amazed at how this wasted-years-syndrome has been so largely embraced by most people!

It may not seem obvious that this would have much to do with dating practices, but if you understand the distraction of the dating life, it begins to make a lot of sense.

There are several areas that really encompass all of life that I think require deliberate attention:

Spiritual. We aim to spend these years helping our children to pursue their relationship to the Lord, most importantly. It’s a time for focusing on Him and learning how to trust Him for life-answers. Down to the disciplines of Bible study and prayer, we hope to see our children grow in their own walk with the Lord.

Emotional. We also work on character traits, trying to imagine what will be most helpful as they grow into adulthood and anticipate running their own homes. Selfishness, pride and lack of self-control are natural traits that are perfect for working out in families, among siblings and parents. Just imagine how much better prepared for marriage we would have been had we had focused attention on these areas?!

Physical. There are so many opportunities for growing if one is not distracted from the next date or meaningless “hang out”. We try to encourage growth in areas of each child’s giftedness–music, art, mechanics, etc. Then there are all the practical life lessons that so many enter marriage having never learned. Understanding finances and how to budget, preparing nutritious meals, being resourceful and crafty, how to do basic maintenance and repairs–I could keep going. There is so much more to life than just getting married!

And besides these, their education has time to flourish. In addition to regular subjects there is time for growth in computer skills, developing writing skills or oratorical skills. When I remember how distracted I was in my dating years, it’s no wonder I hardly remember anything I learned in school! I was usually writing a note to be handed off between classes!

We should hold a high regard for marriage. It’s a shame our culture has failed to. And should we expect any less than the mediocre marriages (at best) we’re seeing all around us, considering how little time we’ve invested in preparing our children for them?

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

No Dating? And What is Courtship?

(I don’t even like using the word “courtship” because it has evolved into so many different meanings; but for lack of a better word, and because it is still commonly referred to, I’ll use it some.)

We hold firmly to the belief that recreational dating has no value, and is, in fact, harmful to a marriage. And not only that, but it is a time-consuming, distracting activity that prevents young men and women from preparing for marriage in a practical way.

(Isn’t it funny how much time, money and energy parents put into their child’s sports “career”, and hardly any time preparing them for the far more important state of marriage?)

So we start with the idea that any pursuit of romance should involve looking for a spouse at the appropriate time.

(We don’t have marriageable children yet, so I’m not an expert on courtship:-) I can just relay what we are implementing in preparation, and what we are learning from those around us.)

We start early using terminology in our family that communicates to our children what is “normal” and what is not. The language of “boyfriend, girlfriend” is not used. They know there is a plethora of pursuits available for them in their short, single lives, and there will come a time, (with the rare exception of the call of singleness) when they will begin to pursue thoughts of marriage–”dating” isn’t even in their vocabulary.

So prior to that time, we are preparing them. That looks different for different families, but the goal is basically equipping them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to one day have their own families.

(More on the preparation stage to come!)

As some have said, there is no formula for finding a spouse, just principles.

One principle for us is that “sons will take a wife, and daughters will be given”, as the Scripture says. (Even our own wedding ceremonies reflect that–”Who gives this woman?”)

A large element of marriage for our children involves complete trust in the Lord to guide us. As parents, we lean heavily on the belief that God is immensely involved in the details of our lives, and will bring the spouses He has ordained for our children.

Trusting in God’s sovereign direction, once a son is interested he would pursue her family; our daughters would be pursued by a man.

One main difference in this aspect of finding a spouse is the protective role the parents play, particularly the father. He will be “the gate”, to head off any young man who is obviously not a potential suitor.

How does the father know? It’s not hard to cull them out. He knows his daughter’s heart, what she basically wants and needs in a husband, and he can certainly “screen” them, thereby saving a lot of time and heartache.

He may question the young man, or may already know there are problems that make any further pursuit pointless.

This is not “arranging marriage”, by the way. It is a natural, glorious safeguard that any daughter is blessed to have.

If a young man is interested and the father sees him as a potential suitor (sometimes this involves weeks or months of spending time together and getting to know him), he would then tell the daughter about him, and ask if she is interested in getting to know him more. She may say “no”, at which point the father again does the deed of turning him away.

If she is interested in pursing things further, they begin a guarded relationship that involves mostly involvement with the family or groups of people.

Not only is this the natural way to see what a person is really like, but it provides accountability as the couple gets to know each other, and keeps them from diving into an intimate relationship too soon.

As I said, every family, every couple, and every courtship is different. It’s doesn’t always go as smoothly as everyone would like. Sometimes hearts still get involved and hurt. It is not a perfect process, but understanding the principle underneath gives us a great starting point.

In a nutshell? It’s a young person preserving all inclinations of romance until the time marriage is ready to be pursued, the parents being involved (who knows better?) praying through and protecting through the process, and then two potential mates getting to know each other through an accountable relationship of friends and family.

Courtship,Dating & Marriage: A Wedding That Changed My Life