Busy Moms “Get Real” Series, Part 5: “I Can’t Get it All Done!”

“Remember the principle of gardening: a lot of sweat and tears are required before the reward of harvest. It’s the same with mothering.”

A reader sent me an email that is not unlike many that I receive, so I decided to include an excerpt and answer it here in a post. I know we all struggle with many of the same things, so I hope to encourage you “in the trenches” (And, dear friend who sent the letter, I replied to you but the email delivery failed. I hope you don’t mind my posting your question here, the only way I could answer it, without your name, changing a few details for anonymity’s sake.)

A mother writes:

“I have 6 children – 3 who are homeschooled and 3 little ones (1 of those we do some preschool type things with, but not alot). Here is the problem I have: I can’t seem to get it done. We start school and generally just do the basics and school goes on all day long. There are lots of starts and stops to my time with the small children, but it is draining to continue on with school that long. Then, with school lasting so long, I struggle with the household chores. I’ve become very disorganized because I just don’t have the time. It hasn’t always been like this, but I am failing somewhere and I’m looking for some/any guidance. It has become overwhelming and while we want to continue homeschooling I am ready to give up.

Maybe it just comes down to too high of expectations on my part….I really feel like a failure.”

Dear Mother,

You are NOT a failure. It is important to remember that our enemy wants you to believe that. He wants you to give up, to be overwhelmed, he wants to destroy your optimism and ultimately your family. But here’s the good news: “Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world”.

AND…we have to keep revisiting our long-term vision….keep perspective. The academic advantage is only one reason why we homeschool. Imparting our family’s values and worldviews, tying bonds of fellowship, nurturing relationships, building character–there are a myriad of other reasons that should encourage us to dig our heels in. That’s our starting point. Now take a deep breath, and let’s get practical…

Almost everything I would tell you involves “simplifying”. Everyone’s life is unique and varied; but most of us could stand to simplify.

Stuff.

The more I live the more I believe this one thing is slipping from our hands as Americans, but is vital to our “success” as families. We MUST be deliberate about simplifying our lives in every way possible. Less is almost always more. The more we own, the more we do, the more we owe, the less we have left to give each other, to invest in our relationships and practical, important things like sitting around the table at night enjoying a meal together. Take inventory and look hard. Pare down, starting with clothes in your closet. Clean out drawers, under beds, pots and pans, dishes, cabinets–with every thing you purge, the lighter you will feel. Take a weekend or two and get the whole family involved. It’s much better to enjoy owning fewer things you really love than owning a passel of so-so things that demand your precious time to keep them, organize them, clean them and maintain them.

Activities.

If you’ve read my blog long, I’ll sound like a broken record. Busy moms can’t be all they need to be with too many extras. The same simplicity principle applies here. A few activities can enrich your life. Too many will suck it out of you.

Meals

Meals can become much less stressful with a little planning and forethought. The crock pot is your best friend. Find some great recipes (there are a gazillion crock pot recipe sites) and get supper started in the morning. Making double batches of meals and freezing one for a busy night is another great way to give yourself some relief. It takes virtually the same amount of time and cleaning as one meal.

Household chores

• Get as much off counter tops/tables, etc. as possible–it will be easier to clean surfaces.
• Designate “clutter patrol” about twice a day…get everyone to do a quick pick up. Very little ones can help a lot with this and even think it’s fun.
• Keep a “give it away” bag handy to toss things. As soon as it is full, put it in the car to drop off.
• Consider designating one day for thorough cleaning. We do this on Fridays because moods are more cheerful since it is “movie night”. I also only require reading on Fridays and let them off from textbook work (we “school” year ’round). This is also the night we try to have people over-extra motivation for the cleaning.
• Spray sinks and toilets with a bleach/water combination for a quick, clean feeling
• Train your children to avoid putting clean clothes into the laundry hamper. Clothes can usually be worn several days before washing, especially during the winter.
• Encourage everyone (and model it yourself) to keep clutter at bay by carrying at least one object “closer” to its destination each time you go to a different room.
• Keep baskets to catch clutter. Baskets in the living room can catch quickly-tossed toys; baskets at the entrance can hold shoes; keep baskets handy for those items that seem to be used a lot but make a mess and need to stay close.

Homeschooling

Before we even address strategies, make sure basic obedience/character issues are being addressed. If there are problems with bad attitudes or disrespect toward Mom, the school routine needs to be laid aside until these foundational problems are solved.

After that, the”secret”, I think, is laying aside pressures and expectations, honing in on YOUR family’s definition and goals for education, and working from there. Relax. Multiple research findings conclude that a “good education” is encapsulated into “being literate, numerate, and having the ability to reason”. This does not require hours of formal instruction, but rather a casual lifestyle that facilitates a constant thirst for knowledge. Good conversation with parents in tune to asking questions and probing their children to think is more than most students get in an average day.

The importance of providing enough space for creative exploration, problem-solving and hands-on learning cannot be underestimated. Small chunks of instruction–a 15-minute lesson on the concept of multiplying, telling time or a brief overview of how weather works can be far more beneficial than two hours worth of worksheets.

“Teaching” is going on all the time. Don’t become a slave to a textbook or curriculum; use them as tools, not tyrants. (I have taught 5 children to read by phonics with no formal curriculum.) Bath time, driving time, walking together, day or night–all hours of the day provide opportunities for teaching, especially teaching little ones. As they get older, self-directed study becomes more natural because their appetites for learning have been whetted.

There is much, much more on this philosophy in my ebook, Think Outside the Classroom.

Extra tips for “finding” more time:

• Don’t answer the telephone before noon. This has potential to revolutionize your life.
• Multi-task. Have a child do some of his reading to you while you feed the baby or give a bath; meal plan in the car; read to the children during breakfast or lunch…etc.
• Dictate a grocery list to a child while you drive (added spelling lesson bonus).
• Remember to delegate chores; taking the extra time to teach little ones to help keep order is well worth it. A two year old can be expected to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, put shoes where they go, pick up toys and other similar chores with occasional reminders.

Some overwhelmed moms may need a “mommy helper”. In a day where grandmothers, aunts and sisters aren’t as readily available (or willing) to help a young mother, she should not feel ashamed if she needs an extra pair of hands. If you don’t have a community of support, you may consider hiring someone to help with basic chores, running errands, etc.

More than anything, keep it in perspective. Even the busiest, most exhausting days are fleeting. Keep a clean home but don’t obsess if it isn’t like you would prefer. Teach your children to be orderly but remember they are children. Enjoy them, capitalize on the wonders of the curious years, and find as many ways as you can to simply enjoy life where you are and the children in it. Remember the principle of gardening: a lot of sweat and tears are required before the reward of harvest. It’s the same with mothering.

(And don’t forget to run barefoot in the sunshine every now and then )

Part 1:  Margins

Part 2:  Housework Again?

Part 3:  When Technology Hurts

Part 4:  Children Are More Than an Organizational Problem

Balancing Your Life: Healthy, Happy Homemaker

I wanted to wrap up the “Balancing Your Life Series” with some inspiration and resources to inspire you.

I don’t think there can be balance in your life without talking about balancing your responsibilities as a homemaker with physical and emotional health.

I can have all my homemaking ducks in a row (which never happens, by the way!) but if I’m physically under par or emotionally drained, things aren’t going well.

I recently wrote “Easy Health for Busy Moms” because I wanted to show women how easy (and painless) it can be to ease into a healthier lifestyle. Small changes can make a big difference in the way we feel and feeling well significantly affects our performance as wives, mothers and home-managers.

I’ve touched on keeping our spiritual lives vibrant (though much more could be said), but emotional health is closely tied to our physical health and can make such a difference in the way we function! Besides a healthy diet and exercise (I mention an excellent 5-minute exercise in the book!), I am of the opinion that women who are productive are emotionally healthier.

That will look very different for different women, but part of our nature that reflects our Creator is…creating! I think we have to be careful to make room amid all the chores and work that must be done to create, produce, and enjoy being a homemaker.

For some, it may be a ministry of hospitality, making cards to send to someone who needs a kind word, sending a meal, or some other venue of service.  Some enjoy turning a simple meal into a culinary work of art.  Some sew, some paint, some garden, some are simply encouragers and exhorters of others.  Some enjoy entrepreneurial endeavors and act as their husband’s helper exercising those gifts.

What do you enjoy?  Consider it an important part of your homemaking duties. This is the secret–homemaking is NOT just about the nuts and bolts of keeping a house. It’s about the freedom to create a home that is bustling with productivity, using our gifts to bless our family and those around us.

As you seek to become more organized, remember the goal:  making a home that radiates joy, freedom and the love of Christ.

Some resources you may find helpful:

Sarah Mae’s new ebook:  31 Days to Clean

The Fly Lady:  Getting Organized

Back to Scratch:  Saving Money in the Kitchen

Think Outside the Classroom: A Practical Approach to Relaxed Homeschooling

Balancing Your Life: The Notebook

Keeping a household notebook may be one of the keys to a busy mother’s sanity. There are as many ways to organize it as there are women, so consider what works best for you.

I have found that though there are some really pretty/fancy homemaking journals out there, a three-ring-binder actually works the best because it’s the easiest to tailor to my (ever-changing) needs.  Tabbed dividers make it simple to organize and you can always print a pretty, personalized cover to slide in the front.

Here are a few things I like to keep in my notebook:

• To-do lists for each day (sometimes this is too tedious, but it’s a good thought )
• Phone numbers (emergency, neighbors, doctors, etc.)  This is especially good for the children when they are staying alone.

• Chore lists–a list that can be revisited and revised as needed.

• Meal ideas/menus and favorite recipes.  You can slip recipes into page protectors.

• Goals for the school year, personal goals, etc.

• Spiritual reminders.  Bible verses or reminders about our need to love our husbands and children can be a huge help if we look at them each day.

• Christmas list–gifts and cards.

• Calendar

• Budget forms/spending forms

In my opinion, the secret to making a household notebook work is keeping it highly visible.

If you are ready to get started or update your household planner, Organized Home is a great place to print forms for your notebook. Have fun!

Balancing Your Life: SIMPLIFY

Simplify.

It may be a physical simplification needed, or it could be an emotional or mental one.  But the simple life makes for a more balanced life.

Study the areas of your day that seem to be the hardest…what causes the most stress?  Is it a problem in your routine?  Clutter out of hand? Is there one area that causes a recurring headache?  Bring it to your husband and see if he can help you.  Men are problem-solvers and he may surprise you with an easy solution.

Clothes–Clothes are a big problem in our home, due to the sheer numbers. The more we can pare down, the easier for everyone to keep up with them.

We also created a “universal closet” with everyone’s clothes in one place.  Honestly, we’re still working the kinks out of this one, but I think it could be done effectively.

I’ve known women tackle the classic sock problem by buying all the same kind of sock.  This way, you always have the mate.

If anyone has a suggestion for helping children keep up with shoes, I’d love to know it!

Dishes–Some mothers I know have a “cup tray” on the counter to prevent 38 glasses from showing up to be washed.  Everyone has a cup with his name he uses all day.  This little step, and others like them, are simple but effective strategies.

Shoes--Another mom’s shoe solution:  they live on a muddy farm with 13 children.  To cut down on muddy traffic, her husband found a shelf that they put outside the back door. She bought Croc-type shoes for everyone that could be left outside on the shelf where the rain would keep them washed off. They each even had their own color. Brilliant, I thought.

Baths–I knew a mom whose evenings had to be scheduled around her children’s bath time.  Now we are clean people, but our day doesn’t fall apart if we miss a bath.  Theory:  children do not need to bathe every day, except maybe in the summer.  It isn’t even good for skin and hair.  If you have many children, you know that cutting out a bath night here and there could save a lot of time, energy and money. A wipe-down with baby wipes could suffice if it made mom feel better.

Clutter–When we first moved into our house, it was all new and shiny…you know how it is.  And hard as I tried, no one else seemed as interested in keeping their things picked up as I was.  So for a time (I have no idea why I stopped doing this), if an item–shoes, coat, toy, etc. stayed in one place too long, I would just toss it in “the thrift store bag”.  It only takes a few times and they start to care

“Purging” on a weekly, maybe even a daily basis, is the simplest ways to keep clutter at bay.  We keep a “running donation bag” with a constant eye for things that need to be tossed.

Meals–During the busiest seasons of life, meal-planning can be a real challenge.  Here are a few ideas to get you thinking about solutions:

1.  Don’t be afraid to use paper plates.

2.  Don’t be afraid to have cereal for breakfast–a lot.

3.  Schedule a weekly time to sit down and write out meal plans for the week so you’re not standing in the pantry at 5 pm wondering what’s for supper.

4.  Designate a kitchen helper for each night to be an extra pair of hands for you.

5.  Cook double portions when possible and freeze one for a hectic day.

6.  Find and use some great crock-pot recipes.

Toys–I don’t know about your house, but here, our toys reproduce.  A solution I’m getting ready to try (I’m not very organized by nature, so it will be a stretch for me) is tossing the broken toys, then boxing up the rest and rotating them out, storing the toys not being used.  The idea is that not only is there less clutter, but the toys are more fun if they’ve been put up for a while.

Some families have very few toys and expect their children to rely on their imaginations for recreation.  I don’t think that’s such a bad idea.

Homeschooling–I don’t think it’s at all necessary to have a “school room”; we have one and my children still do their seat work at the kitchen table.  It makes sense because I’m closer to them there if they need help.  But I do think it’s important to have one place where all the school resources are kept.  All the children should be responsible for keeping this area neat (cough), and I wish you the best because it’s a real struggle for us.

There is a lot more about it in my ebook Think Outside the Classroom, but I’m a huge advocate of remembering the simplicity of education. There is something to be said about “The 3 R’s”.  Lots of great books, a simple math book and English book, and all else is tucked around that.  We love Rod & Staff for its simplicity, solid instruction and low price.  For moms starting out, I also recommend ACE School of Tomorrow, because it’s so self-directed.

Homeschooling moms are bombarded with choices and pressure from others who appear to be “doing so much more”, but if we can keep our focus, find what works for us and not pay too much attention to the latest bells and whistles, it will be a much more peaceful experience.

In my book, I also challenge moms to not get hung up on timetables. There are obviously things that must be learned chronologically. But history, science, geography, etc. can be learned in any (reasonable) order and there shouldn’t be a pressure to keep them on the same timetable as schooled children.  My homeschooling mantra is, “RELAX”.

We also school year-round to create more flexibility throughout the year if need be (new baby, holidays, stressful seasons, vacations, etc.) Because we “school” so many more days than are required, our days can be more relaxed and we don’t feel as pressured to meet deadlines.

Bible time. I think it’s wonderful if you can get up before everyone else and spend some quiet time in prayer and Scripture.  But, I’ve learned not to let this area become a source of guilt.  I’ve been nursing babies half my married life which often means less sleep.  And even though now I usually am up earlier than the rest, if you can’t be up, enjoy Bible time and prayer with your children after breakfast.  We’ve done this for years and it is a sweet time.  I tell them it is the most important part of our day and though they don’t all just jump up and down about it, I think it will be a time they cherish the rest of their lives.

On a really tight schedule, instead of skipping this important time, consider reading to them during breakfast.  I’d rather cut something else out of our day than this time in God’s Word together.

Telephone/Media.  I might guess that this is the hardest point for stay-at-home moms. We have a social “advantage” our foremothers wouldn’t believe and yet, there is a point when it is no longer an advantage.  Let me say it gently:  Don’t let Facebook control your life. The Internet is SO good and can be SO bad! Purpose to establish some boundaries about when and how often you engage in social media.

The telephone can be even worse.  I’ve mentioned it before, but a wise homeschooling mother said her telephone is not answered before noon.  For some reason, once the phenomenon of people having instant access to your family through a bell became popular, we feel obligated to give them permission to interrupt anything we’re doing. Tame the beast.

Routine/Schedule/”Rhythm”

Whatever your personality, develop one of these for your day.  Some thrive on a rigid schedule; others just need an order for the day, without time restraints.  Either way, it not only keeps order, but a predictable day is very healthy for children.  They thrive with some structure and predictability, yet you can leave room for unexpected happenings and/or exploration.

I personally feel that a schedule *can* be more stressful if you are prone to let it be.  Especially with several children, flexibility in your day’s routine will keep you from feeling like you’re “off”.  We have a rhythm-a general pattern to our day, but I do NOT let unexpected events (which almost have to be a scheduled expectancy) make me feel “behind”.  I just count it as part of normal life.

Simply adjusting our expectations can save a lot of our sanity! Simplify your life!  What are some of your simplification ideas?

Balancing Your Busy Life: Delegation & Family Team Work

Delegation is one of your most important jobs as manager of the home. Delegation is NOT abdication, but rather just a distribution of family jobs among the members.

Delegation is an important key to balancing your life.

Please don’t be guilty of buying the lie that “housework is my job”, robbing your children of the crucial lessons of responsibility, of feeling valued as an important member of the family, and creating unnecessary burdens for yourself.

We all live in the house.  We all make messes and we all benefit from the daily uses of home.  We should likewise all be maintaining it.  I think of The Little Red Hen as I write that

Begin early.

The earlier you begin requiring your children to “play a part” with household responsibilities, the better.  Even a two-year-old can take things to the trash, place toys back in a basket, take objects to another room, etc.

Training them to pick up their own messes is so important and yet time-consuming enough to keep many moms from doing it.  It’s much easier to bend over and pick up Susie’s banana peeling off the floor if she has gone outside to play. But, one of those little things that turn out to be big is taking the time to call a child back from play, asking her to pick up her mess, and briefly explaining why. “We are all a team here and it’s important not to leave extra work for other people to clean up.”

In addition to picking up their own messes, I try to train their little eyes to see other things that need to be picked up or put away.  “If you walk by a piece of trash, throw it away….if you see something out of place and your headed in that direction, take it with you.” These little training moments can make a big difference in a large family with lots of clutter.

Fostering the right attitudes–the key to family teamwork

It should be natural for your children to understand the “team concept”.  They won’t always be necessarily excited about doing chores, but it should be a normal part of their day and taught properly, (emphasizing the opportunity to serve) will make them feel valued as a family member.

This is often the greatest challenge moms face in the area of delegation.  If attitudes are rotten, she is prone to avoid delegation to keep them at bay.  But ultimately, are there many life lessons more important than learning to work and serve with contentment?

The underpinning of contentment is gratitude in all things.  So to foster the right attitude you must always be fostering gratitude.  This doesn’t mean your children should be jumping up and down to do chores; just that they are willing to do them without a grumbling spirit.

Practical ways to foster gratitude:

• Read/tell stories—We love the old stories that uphold family unity and a spirit of contentment and gratitude between children and parents.  The Lamplighter series is a great set of books for character development and we also love short stories from Moral Lessons of Yesteryear.

• Replace wrong responses.  Often, especially with littles, the habits of the will are formed simply by pointing out wrong responses and replacing them with right ones.  A child who snarls at the request to sweep the floor is merely acting on impulse.  But helping him form the habit of contentment and keep the right perspective is an important part of our job.

“Johnny, I know you may not like sweeping the floor, but the Bible says that we are to do all things with thanksgiving.  Sweeping the floor is an opportunity to serve if you do it with the right attitude.”

• Give more jobs for the wrong attitude.  If a bad attitude is a recurring problem, it may be that they need to be given extra work to help them be grateful for a lesser amount.  I try not to make too big a fuss about this approach:  “OK…since you aren’t content with the job I gave you, you can do ____ too.”

• Praise.  Pointing out a right response–sometimes even to the whole family, can really bolster a child’s desire to respond correctly.  I especially try to “catch” a good attitude in a child who has been struggling and make a big deal about it.  I tell him, “That’s it…that’s the right attitude for serving–now you’re getting it!”

Nuts & Bolts of Chore Time

There are as many ways to delegate chores as there are families.  And, the system will always be changing as abilities, numbers and needs change.

A good rule of thumb: don’t give a job to an older child that a younger child could do. And, don’t underestimate jobs your children can tackle.  The end result should be less work for everyone.

I’ll list a few different ideas I’ve learned from others over the years, and I’m sure many of you have great ones you could share:

• Zones

Dividing the house into parts, each child is responsible for keeping his area clean.

• Rotating Chores

A list of chores is posted and each week/month the children are rotated to a different set of chores.  This prevents monotony and also makes sure they are being equipped in every area.  Of course age-appropriateness must be carefully considered.

• Buddy system

This works better in some families than others, depending on numbers and ages. A small child is assigned to work alongside an older child to better learn how to do a certain chore.

Other ideas:

• Kitchen helper

We have a different kitchen helper each night.  They help empty the dishwasher, set the table, help cook and clean up.  However, everyone is responsible for taking his plate and cup to the sink and maybe clearing the table.

Also, we try to get our older children in the habit of cooking on a regular basis, whether it’s one time a week or less often for the younger ones.  My oldest does a meal or two a week by herself; my next two do simpler meals like pancakes or omelets, and they help with making bread or desserts, etc.  Learning at least basic cooking skills is something all children should learn, and I think our girls should be well-equipped to prepare complete meals before they leave home.

• Cleaning Day

It works well for us to de-clutter during the week and do our main cleaning on one day.  Part of this arrangement requires me to just “let go” of unrealistic cleaning expectations.  We clean on Fridays and one of the reasons I think it works so well (sneaky mom trick ahead), is that Friday night is “movie night” and the kids are naturally in a better mood than usual which makes them more eager to clean cheerfully.  Told you it was tricky.  We still do school on Friday, but we do more reading and less seat work which also lends toward a happier day

Assigning chores, training everyone to pick up after himself, fostering a spirit of contentment and keeping realistic expectations–it’s a full time job, but these things will lend to a more balanced life!

Part 1 of this series:  Balancing “Everything”:  Define Your Everything

Balancing Everything in Your Busy Life: Define Your “Everything”

I get a lot of questions about how I “balance everything”.  This is the first of a series about that question.  But before I talk about the practical stuff, it is paramount to understand that all else is contingent on one important fact:

You can only balance “everything” if your “everything” is balanced.

OK that’s catchy, but what I mean is, you can’t actually balance everything. Most of the problem we have with time is that we are trying to juggle too many things.  There are only 24 hours in the day. Unless we pare down our priorities, making our everything doable, no amount of scheduling or time tricks will matter.

Homeschooling moms face a particularly steep challenge in this area. For one, because of the freedom we feel being at home, it seems like we should just be packing in all we can to take advantage of that freedom.  But we end up being enslaved to busyness instead!

Additionally, we feel pressure to raise “super kids” in order to prove wrong the many who think we’ve made the wrong choice by homeschooling.  This can drive a family to overload their schedules with too many extracurricular activities and lose focus of more important things.

Thirdly, some moms feel that others will think them “lazy”; perhaps the need to prove everyone wrong results in an overextension of ourselves and our families.

The first step to finding balance in your life:

1.  Define “everything”.

Again, this is paramount. If you aren’t willing to take this step seriously, there is no point in taking the others.

• Write down priorities–tangible and abstract. Begin with a piece of paper and make two columns with those categories. Ask your husband to tell you what the most important things in your family are to him.

For us, it starts with relationships.  Anything else we do in our lives MUST facilitate and nurture the relationships in our family.  If a certain thing hinders that, it’s not worth doing.  Of course I’m referring to regular activities, not the occasional tending to special needs that will arise.

Most families are over-committed.  There are too many lessons, too many projects, too many ministries, etc.  We have to recognize our seasons of life and not try to fit all into one season, or feel guilty about it.  There will be time later for volunteering as community coordinator.  Try to understand the biblical analogy of the body of Christ and realize you won’t function well as an arm if you are also trying to perform the tasks of a leg.

As you define your everything, make sure any activities, commitments or projects in your “tangible” list do not prevent your priorities in your “abstract” list.

For me, if I’m feeling pressured by too many deadlines or places to go, the first place it interferes is in my attitude toward my children and husband. Stress builds and I find myself speaking harshly, being impatient and rushing what should be an enjoyable rhythm in our day. It interferes in our relationships–our priority. So we guard our time from outside activities VERY carefully.

Once your list is on paper, don’t be afraid to cross some things out and follow through by canceling or rearranging those things in your life.

Can you stagger lessons so you don’t have three in one week?  We alternate piano lessons and do every other week.  It’s cheaper and saves time.

Really question your church/community commitments.  Are you volunteering to fill roles that aren’t yours to fill?  Remember that if you have children at home, they are your full-time ministry.  That doesn’t mean you can’t do outside projects or volunteer work, but just that you need to give an honest look at their time restraints.

Define your everything. Force yourself to look at it on paper and decide that you are going to create margins in your life that will allow you to serve your family to the fullest of your ability.

Look for the next part:  Delegation:  The Key to Family Teamwork

Check out Large Family Logistics for a wealth of practical information about running a busy household.