Anyway Love

Gary Thomas’ article “Anyway Love” tells of a woman whose husband had continually disappointed her with his insensitivity.  Even after she gave him books about “how to love your wife” he didn’t change.

Gary recounts what she said:

“I’ve realized this is never going to change,” she confessed. “But I love him anyway.”

Then Gary’s response:

“That last statement of Meg’s, “but I love him anyway,” is one of the most profound theological statements on marriage I’ve ever heard. Most of us base love on because, not on anyway. I love you because you’re good to me. I love you because you’re kind, because you’re considerate, because you keep the romance alive.”

He pointed to Jesus’ words about what  makes a child of God different from one who is not.  How piercing this thought was to me! I have read this verse numerous times, and I’ve never really thought about it in the context of marriage.  There is no “credit” for loving a spouse because they love us.  We only get credit when we “love anyway” a spouse who doesn’t deserve it!  Yes, unfortunately, there are times when a spouse becomes an “enemy”.  And even then, we are instructed how to live:

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ do that….But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.”  Luke 6:32-36

I thought of the marriage of my friend, each blaming the other for failed hopes and unfulfilled responsibilities.  “I can’t love him because he doesn’t _____.” And so they’re walking away, unwilling to “love anyway”.

Christians have been called to many hard things through history. Perhaps even harder than a “one-time choice of martyrdom” is the choice to do hard things day in and day out.

And yet, what difference it would make in our marriages…what difference it would make as a living picture of Christ’s love for us.  And if we should even suffer?  Can we believe that it’s worthy of rejoicing if we suffer for doing what is right?

Full article by Gary Thomas

The Wife I Want to Be

May I think the best of him in every circumstance,

May I laugh and sing and make our lives a dance.

May I build him up with the words I say,

May I give him reason to look forward to the day.

May I be quick to look over his mistakes,

And thank him for the efforts that he makes.

May he feel safe and know that I’m his biggest fan,

May I remember he is clay–he’s only just a man.

Let me love him the way I want to be,

Forgiving as Christ has forgiven me.

May I build my home by every word and deed,

And may love flourish from every planted seed.

Marriage: A Woman’s Helping Hand

“A woman’s helping hand smooths out all the snags and wrinkles, adds the sprinkle of sugar and spreads the butter, kisses the wound, cools the fever, nurses the hunger, and finds the missing. And somehow she manages to do all of it all at once with a baby around her legs, dishes washing, dinner cooking, laundry spinning, hair flying! “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.”

He clings to me, he is no longer alone, and I am his footstool. If we wives cannot humble our hearts to be the resting place of our husbands, we will never find ourselves bent and broken before our Lord the Christ. When God has found a place to rest his feet it is there that he is pleased to dwell and rule.” From a commenter, MML

Christian Marriage: He Can’t Read Your Mind

The most important reminder I think I received from the recent marriage seminar was:

“Your husband isn’t out to get you; he just can’t read your mind”.

Women have an uncanny way of assuming the worst and even villainizing their husbands for not being able to read minds.

Can I just be honest and give you a real-life example?  (I can’t believe I’m telling this.)  Though the reason absolutely eludes me, I have often found some sick pleasure in setting my husband up for failure so that I could claim “hurt feelings”.  What is that??!!

So Aaron and I go out for dinner.  (Let me preface this by saying we live in the country.  So if you forget something in town when you go, you just go without.)  I crave ice like a Meth-fiend craves his next fix and I happen to love Sonic’s crushed ice.  But of course, if my husband loves me, he’ll remember this and spontaneously stop to get me a cup, just to demonstrate said love.  If he doesn’t stop, I wait—calculating the time so he can’t whip back around.  Then I say in some sad tone, “You didn’t stop and get me ice”.

Can you believe I’ve done that?  I should know better having read Dr. Laura tell wives over and over, “Tell the man if you want something–he’s not a mind-reader, for crying out loud!”

Ladies, let’s just assume the best!  He loves us.  He doesn’t want to make us upset.  “Lord, grow me up.”

“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.”  Proverbs 10:12

A Wanted Child

“You were such a wanted child.”

Gathered around by a few, soft lights with some of our closest friends, we wished little Cooper a happy 8th birthday by speaking a short blessing over his upcoming year. It was a sweet time, and I left with his mother’s words echoing in my heart….

“You were such a wanted child.”

Cooper is the third born, and the first child Robin and Scott had after their vasectomy reversal.

A wanted child.

The words keep ringing. Have I spoken this to all my children? Do they know they are wanted? Do I live with them like they are wanted? Do those who spend any time with our family see that my children are wanted?

In an age where birth control makes it so simple, no, mandatory that we “control” the children born to us, is it any wonder why it’s so easy to arrive unwanted? In a controlled environment, any variable that changes unexpectedly is deemed “unwanted”. It’s a mistake, a plan gone awry.

We don’t even know we do this to our own children. How many times I’ve heard a child described as “an accident”. An immortal soul–a living miracle of God–an accident?

We should shudder at our evolved thinking toward life. We should read the Bible again as little children…

“It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves.” Psalm 100:3

And now, I look at my children…“you are such wanted children”. Let me say it with my life.

A few snuggles before we go….

Building a Marriage That Lasts One Day at a Time

“Zig Ziglar, the coveted motivational speaker and top salesman was speaking about marriage yesterday on a radio program.

“Me and the Red-head (as he affectionately calls his wife) court each other every day.”  He said.  “The other day we were having a cup of coffee in the bedroom, and the Redhead said to me, ‘Honey, I wish I was younger’.  ’What on earth for?’ I asked her.  ’So I could be married to you even longer’, she said.”

He explained that their marriage was such a sweet one because they worked on it DAILY.  He said,

“It’s not the big things, not the big gifts, not the major moments in life that make a great marriage…it’s the little acts of kindness, the small things every day that knit the hearts together.”

Marriage becomes an increasingly interesting phenomenon to me.  I see so many falling apart around me and I’m constantly studying to try to uncover the reasons.

Yes, they’re often very complicated.  But what if most cases involve a slow erosion of feelings, affection and motivation?  (I remember the song “Slow Fade”…”Families never crumble in a day”.)

Zig left the simple advice with us:  ”Ask yourself each day how you can benefit your mate.”

And God gave us the same advice a long time ago….“Love your neighbor as yourself.”

I don’t mean to oversimplify things, but how many marriages would be healed by believing God’s Word as it applies to our treatment of one another, and actually living it out?  Do I really treat my spouse “as myself?”  (How many of us hold a grudge very long against ourselves?  Or refuse to forgive ourselves?)

“How many times shall my brother offend and I forgive him?  Seven times?”  ”Not seven times, but seventy times seven.” And remember the consequences if we don’t?  “But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

I’ve seen it happen in my own marriage…a careless word or thoughtless gesture can enshroud the entire day with an air of coldness and indifference.  But similarly, a careful word, a small attention to show gratitude and appreciation can turn the day into a sweet place of friendship.

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.
–Simone Signore