5 Signs of a Virtuous Wife

1.  She does her husband good and his heart safely trusts her.

This phrase is so loaded.  I would do well to dwell on this phrase alone all day.  I’m going to leave it at the challenge to ponder what you think it means to “do your husband good”.  Other clues from Proverbs speak of being a “crown” to him contrasted with being “rottenness in his bones”.  He is also “known in the city gates” (well-known and respected) and that advantage seems to be at least partially attributed to his wife’s character.

2. She feeds her family well.

This is more than quantity, I believe, and requires a considerate amount of studying, preparing and planning for meal time.

3.  She is a strong and vigorous worker.

A virtuous woman in God’s economy is not a woman too delicate to get her hands dirty.

4.  She helps those in need.

One important element of being a keeper at home is being available for the very basic Christian command-helping others.  The Christian community was and is expected to have reaching arms, always ready to help those around them, especially those of the household of faith.  The home should be the center of this tangible, outflowing of love. Such an important responsibility has been diminished and replaced by the activities we have deemed important, leaving little time for this lifeline of ministry.

5.  She dresses well and with dignity.

A virtuous woman doesn’t need a lot of money to dress nicely and keep herself tidy and attractive.  All it takes is a little time and fore-thought.  I think it’s important for us to be careful to avoid gaudy fads while still maintaining a stylish appearance.  Sometimes that’s a fine line.

God’s ideal woman has a tall order to fill.  I want to study, ponder and practice to become that woman.  It’s a life-long process; we are all in different places.  But by God’s grace, let’s keep looking to the Author and Finisher of our faith and believe that He will enable us to become “a rare jewel” in our homes, to our husbands and children, and in our communities!

The Secret to a Husband’s Love, Happy Marriage

“My husband won’t take me on walks.”

“Have you asked him to or told him you would like to?”

“Oh, no, I’m not going to do that.  If he loved me he would volunteer.”

My friend was asking me how she could help her neighbor who seemed to be suffering from depression because of her “bad marriage”.  (She kept the woman’s identity anonymous.) But as she prodded for descriptions of said marital problems, she saw a completely different picture than what her neighbor seemed to see.

She described the neighbor’s countenance as she foamed about her husband.  Narrow eyes, a tight mouth, and a 2-hour conversation riddled with criticism and negativity.

“He just doesn’t show me love.”

The husband provided for the family and the wife mentioned that he almost always cooked breakfast and would cuddle with her at night.

My friend said, “to be honest, if she’s half as critical at home, I give her husband Kudos for as much as he does for her”.

Description after description of her “problems” revealed a constant critique of “what he doesn’t do for me” as opposed to any thought of what she gives him or what he does do for her.

Listening to my friend, I realized how common this is.  I’ve heard this story so many times before.

The tricky part is, this wife, and others, literally feel “abused”.  This woman talked about “the deep hurt” but couldn’t produce a reasonable piece of evidence that her husband did anything to purposely hurt her.

Standing from a distance, I think of several factors that have caused this cycle many wives describe–factors of which we all need to be wary.

• Artificial men. From romance novels to soap operas to the latest Twilight series, the entertainment industry has fed our lustful desires for husbands that don’t really exist.  The smooth-tongued, at-your-beck-and-call, romantic, say-all-the-right-things guy is rare.  But, he’s in our books and tv and so we indulge in our own “emotional pornography” and it’s just as degrading and hurtful to marriages as the husband who compares his wife to that filthy picture in his magazine.

• Feminist men. To spur the aforementioned image, the feminist movement has done a great job of planting seeds of discontentment into the hearts of women.  As gender differences are spurned, our men have been told to act more like women, in so many ways.  And if they don’t, there’s a barrage of criticism waiting to be launched against their character.

• Our right to pout. In keeping with the feminist propaganda, women were told they have a right to demand and get the things they want.  So, if hubby hasn’t chucked enough of his masculinity to meet my expectations, I deserve to punish him with my coldness, criticism or indifference–a recipe for marital disaster.

In the end, there is a bitter, unhappy woman crying on her friend’s shoulder about how her husband doesn’t bend over backwards to show her love.  Meanwhile, he’s about to go insane.  He thought he was being a good husband.  Most husbands want to please their wives.  They just aren’t women.  They have unclogged the toilet, killed the bugs, taken out the trash, repaired the car, noticed the tread on the tires is getting dangerous, brought home a paycheck faithfully for years, been a faithful father and husband, all for a woman who complains that he doesn’t do enough.  (By the way, this hurts me to write it.  I’ve been this woman.)

Would that husband be a little more eager to show affection or surprise his wife with romantic flair if he came home to a smiling, thankful face?  If she expressed a bit more gratitude?  If she made the home a pleasant place to be?  If she actually tried to make his life easier?

I pray we would all let our men be men and watch how a thankful heart may be the secret to drawing him out.

To the Real Men

Father’s Day has come and gone, and it was good to reflect.

The man I married is good.  I know, I know, that’s a theologically incorrect statement–he was born a sinner, but he was born with a tender, kind and fiercely loyal disposition.

His loyalty, in fact, was the trait in him that made me say, “I want to marry that man”. Well, that and I thought he was the cutest thing I’d ever seen, but….

When I read “Being the Rock“, what it means for a man to be a man, I thought of my own father, and my brother, and my husband.

I am so very grateful for men in my life–in the lives of my children–who demonstrate real manhood, who love enough to lead, who lead by sacrificing and showing us daily what it looks like to “esteem others better than yourself”.

It’s not false humility, it’s not puffed up chauvinism; it’s the grit that separates men from boys, that digs in deep when life gets hard and just mans up to shoulder his family.

And still remembers that he’s married to a woman.

“You should be a bastion of calmness, strength, and understanding. When she’s in your arms, she should feel totally safe, like nothing in the world can harm or hurt her….

Never say: “Don’t worry about it.” She’s already worried about it, and so to her it is something worth worrying about. Telling her not to worry only dismisses her feelings as invalid and thus is prone to make her angry. Instead, always say, ‘I’ll take care of it.’”

That is my husband.

My rock.  My steady.  My calmness.  My balance.  My common sense.

The father of my children, the lover of my heart, the friend who only sees the good in me.

If I could be half the woman he is a man…

I just wanted to celebrate some real men that I know.  Too often they get lumped into some stereotype they don’t deserve.

And real men hardly even think of defending themselves…

they’re too busy with that shouldering business.

My Dad                                                    My brother

Do-it-Yourself Marriage Counseling

I’ve come across an awesome website called “The Art of Manliness”.  I recommend introducing your husband to it.  It is not necessarily a Christian site, so there are obviously caveats to the recommendation, but the general mission of the site is noteworthy.

In “DIY Marriage Counseling”, there are some rock-solid ideas for “divorce-proofing” your marriage.  Every couple needs to read it.

Banish the Four Horsemen of Divorce

“Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D. has been studying marriages in a lab at the University of Washington for 20 years. While many people think that what makes a happy or unhappy marriage is somewhat mysterious and divorce is hard to predict, he can watch a couple interact for only a few hours and then forecast with 91% accuracy whether or not they’ll end up divorcing. He’s not a fortune teller; he simply looks for  telltale signs in the way the couple interacts and handles their disagreements. Those that display what he calls the “four horseman of the apocalypse” have a high likelihood for divorce. If a couple can identify and rectify these behaviors, the marriage can often be saved. So let’s take a look at what the four horsemen are.”

Read the rest

Elisabeth Elliot on Obedience

Obedience is not Contingent

Author: Elisabeth Elliot

“The making of comparisons is a dangerous business for a Christian. Each of us must give account, not of his neighbor, but of himself to God. To the workers who, under the guise of a concern for fairness, objected to an equal wage being paid to those who began the job at different hours of the day, the owner said, “Why be jealous because I am kind?” (Mt 20:15 NEB).

To the brother of the prodigal son, put out because this wastrel was being wined and dined, the father said, “My boy, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. How could we help celebrating this happy day?” (Lk 15:31,32 NEB).

To Peter, hesitant to follow the Lord until he found out what was going to be required of the other disciple, Jesus said, “If it should be my will that he wait until I come, what is it to you? Follow me” (Jn 21:22 NEB).

The spirit of godly obedience is not in us; our wills have not been unconditionally turned over to the Master, as long as we determine our own action by what others do. To husbands God says (unconditionally), “Love your wives.” To wives He says (unconditionally), “Submit to your husbands.”* If each lets his obedience be contingent upon the other’s, there is a standoff. The command to husbands is the business of husbands. The command to wives is the business of wives. Let each “mind his own”–direct his attention to the thing required of him–and harmony will be the result.

“There must be no limit to your goodness, as your heavenly Father’s goodness knows no bounds” (Mt 5:48 NEB).

*Many wives consider their own cases exceptional. Since no exceptions are mentioned in this passage, I conclude that a wife must be very sure she has a scriptural warrant before disobeying, e.g., if her husband desires her to act in a way clearly forbidden by scripture.”

From Elizabeth Elliot’s Daily Devotional

Biblical Authority: Truth is Not Truth if It’s a Lie

I continue to be utterly heart-broken and dumbfounded as “the new Christianity” re-defines what hitherto the body of Christ has largely agreed were clear, Scriptural principles.

I choose for this post as an example, among many of those principles, “authority in marriage”.  And instead of belaboring the point about wrong interpretations, what “headship” really means or how so many men have abused this principle and therefore the principle must certainly be wrong, I give you this example of a godly man who believes in and teaches the appropriate truth of the Bible regarding marriage roles.  John Piper who has taken a leave of absence from his ministry for the remainder of the year (that is, a leave from even blog writing and tweeting), writes: Read more »