Wives, Guard Against Emotional Pornography

We know what the research says…”Men are stimulated more by sight and physical stimuli while women respond more on an emotional level–to tenderness (which can be expressed physically), and to what she perceives as sensitivity to her needs.”

The misunderstanding of this fundamental difference is a major obstacle in many marriages.  A woman doesn’t understand how a man thinks about sex, so when he’s able to separate the act from the argument they just had an hour ago, she feels hurt and used.

A man doesn’t understand what makes her feel cherished and so it doesn’t make sense to him when she reacts coldly to his sexual advances.

And that’s just one example of how our misunderstanding can affect our marriages.

I was thinking, though, about how wives often hold unfair standards.  I don’t know about you, but if I knew my husband was even entertaining the thoughts of viewing pornography–other women who are painted, surgically altered and altogether not real, I would be devastated.  I know many women struggle with this because many men struggle.  We are, and should be, hurt by this type of infidelity.

But how many times have we committed emotional infidelity against our husbands?

Simply put, for a man to desire to look at another woman’s body hurts us because it means he isn’t satisfied with ours; he is comparing, even if he doesn’t mean to.  And in such a case, a wife feels hurt AND the pressure to “be better” than she is.

Have we ever compared our husbands?  Have we ever admired a trait in another man and secretly thought, “I wish my husband could be more like that”?  Have we read books about men who aren’t realbut felt real, and wished  we could be the recipient of their tenderness and intuition?

If I am stimulated in an emotional way the way he is stimulated in a physical way, there is no difference between those comparisons.  He is simply (though wrongly) admiring qualities that are beyond his grasp.  And any comparison we make on an emotional level is virtually the same sin.

May the Lord give us hearts for our husbands only, patience with their faults, remembering our faults as well.  Let us see him as God sees him–a work in progress, and commit to doing our part in loving him to his potential instead of wishing him to be things he is not. 

If every woman (I’m talking to myself here!) would look at her husband and dwell on his positive traits, encourage him where he is, and determine to be the one person in his life with whom he knows his faults are safe, if he knew she was the one person who saw the best in him, those positive traits would grow and make him a man greater than even he thought he could be. 

I’m challenged.

A Wife’s Part: The Good Wife is a Good Housekeeper

I love the “time warp” between the printing of “Homemaking” (renamed “The Family”, printed in the late 1800′s) by JR Miller and our present day.  It reveals our subtle shift away from what was once considered normal and healthy and is now called outdated and stifling.

It should be an important lesson.  As values shift, our thinking shifts and the whole movement causes a shift in our lives, our families, our communities and our country. Some would call it a “good and necessary movement”.  I can’t seem to see that our families, in general, are faring better this day than they once did.

That’s not to deny that trials and difficulties have always existed in homes where people live!  But that once there seemed to be a stronger chord that held folks together and a sweeter unity that spoke better of home as a place where living really happened.

Miller spoke things that were logical, sensible and fairly accepted in his day. The same words today are hated and rejected.

Is it just an outdated set of ideals?  Or did he teach something valuable that would benefit us if we paid attention?

Every word of this section was delectable, and it saddened me to have to cut it at all.

“The good wife is a good housekeeper.

The mere mention of such things as cooking, baking, sweeping, dusting, mending, ironing, jars upon the poetic rhythm of the lofty themes of conversation. It never enters the brains of these happy lovers that it can make any difference in the world in their home life whether the bread is sweet or sour, whether the oatmeal is well cooked or scorched, whether the meals are punctual or tardy. The mere thought that such sublunary matters could affect the tone of their wedded life seems a desecration.

Love may build its palace of noble sentiments and tender affections and sweet charities, rising into the very clouds, and in this splendid home two souls may dwell in the enjoyment of the highest possibilities of wedded life; but his palace, too, must stand on the ground, with unpoetic and unsentimental stones for its foundation. That foundation is good housekeeping.

In other words, good breakfasts, dinners and suppers, a well kept house, order, system, promptness, punctuality, good cheer – far more than any young lovers dream does happiness in married life depend upon such commonplace things as these. Love is very patient, very kind, and very gentle; and where there is love no doubt the plainest fare is ambrosia and the homeliest surroundings are charming.

I know the wise man said: “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox (i.e., a good roast beef dinner), with hatred therewith;” but herbs as a constant diet will pall on the taste, especially if poorly served, even if love is ever present to season them. In this day of advanced civilization it is ought to be possible to have both the stalled ox and love. Husbands are not angels in this mundane state, and not being such they need a substantial basis of good housekeeping for the realization of their dreams of blissful homemaking.

Where a strengthful womanhood keeps the house wisely and well, in prudent care and orderly comfort and cheerful peace, there, in the daily duties, trying and tasting, her character issues in loveliness of bloom and blessedness of privilege, softly shadowing the household beneath its gracious power and unselfish gentleness; so that the heart of her husband rejoiceth in her, and the love which was planted within those walls strikes down its roots through all the thin soiled fancy and passion into the rich ground of manly reverence and honor, from which to draw a sustenance and life which shall keep it fresh and green in the midst of the years as those that are planted in the house of the Lord.”  -JR Miller

A Wife’s Part: Part 3–What is a Faithful Wife?

JR Miller (from his book The Family) lists the qualities he summarizes as “the ideal wife”.   His eloquence and gentleness of description are unmatched!  I find it hard to condense these chapters as each succeeding sentence grows better than the last!

The first quality is faithfulness.  And he has so many wonderful things to say!  As you read through this description, imagine we all threw off the fetters of wrong thinking that plague us, and became the wife he describes!  How life-changing for our marriages, our children, our churches–for all those around us, to witness the true purity of love in marriage meant to represent Christ and his bride….

“The heart of her husband safely trusts her.”

“A true wife by her character and by her conduct proves herself worthy of her husband’s trust.  He has confidence in her affection; he knows that her heart is unalterably true to him.  He has confidence in her management; he confides to her the care of his household.  He knows that she is true to all his interests–that she is prudent and wise, not wasteful nor extravagant.  It is one of the essential things in a true wife that her husband shall be able to leave in her hands the management of all domestic affairs, and know that they are safe.

…she thinks only of what will do him good.  When burdens press upon him she tries to lighten them by sympathy, by cheer, by the inspiration of love.  She is never a weight to drag him down; she is strength in his heart to help him ever to do nobler and better things.

A true wife makes a man’s life nobler, stronger, grander, by the omnipotence of her love ‘turning all the forces of manhood upward and heavenward’.

….she brings out in him whatever is noblest and richest in his being.

She inspires him with courage and earnestness.

She beautifies his life.

She softens whatever is rude and harsh in his habits or his spirit.

She clothes him with the gentler graces of refined and cultured manhood.

While she yields to him and never disregards his lightest wish, she is really his queen, ruling his whole life and leading him onward and upward in every proper path.

..Some wives are utterly useless, becoming burdens even to manliest, tenderest love.  Instead of making a man’s life stronger, happier, richer, they absorb his strength, impair his usefulness, hinder his success and cause him to be a failure among men….the result is wretchedness.

The true wife clings and leans; but she also helps and inspires…No wife knows how much she can do to make her husband honored among men, and his life a power and a success, by her loyal faithfulness, by the active inspiration of her own sweet life.”

And because “the two shall become one flesh” our Lord speaks of treating each other as our own bodies.  What a husband does to cherish a wife he does as to himself.  But also a wife, in furthering her husband as Miller describes, does so to herself, since their union is inseparable.  Beautiful!

(By the way, I found the entire book by JR Miller HERE for free )

A Wife’s Part: Part 2–What is the True Ideal?

It is hard to find “the true ideal” of a wife around us.  She isn’t on TV or in the movies.  Once, the ideals of a godly wife were passed from one generation to another.  Perhaps you are blessed with that reality.

But many are not.

Too many wives of our day have exchanged the privilege of building an eternal legacy for their own, temporary pursuits. Builders–that’s what we are.  (“A wise woman builds her home…”)  And what happens when the builders throw away the Grand Architect’s plans, lose sight of the masterful design that is too hard or seems to be taking too long, and walk away to pursue temporary, easier, and more immediate accomplishments?

(Alexis de Tocqueville (1830′s) wrote of American women: “I have nowhere seen woman occupying a loftier position; and if I were asked…to what the singular prosperity and growing strength of that people [America] ought mainly to be attributed, I should reply: To the superiority of their women.”)

And by his logical deductions, when “the superiority of their women” falters, the prosperity and growing strength of America becomes poverty and atrophy.

Miller writes, as he introduces “the true ideals of a wife”:

“What is the true ideal of a wife?  It is not something lifted above the common experiences of life, not an ethereal angel feeding on ambrosia and moving in the realms of fancy.

In some European cities they sell to the tourist models of their cathedrals made of alabaster, whiter than snow.  But so delicate are these shrines that they must be kept under glass or they will be soiled…so frail that they must be sheltered from every rude touch, lest their lovely columns may be shattered..

So there are ideals of womanhood which are very lovely, full of graceful charms, pleasing, attractive, but which are too delicate and frail for this prosaic, storm-swept world of ours….One day of actual experience in the hard toils and sore struggles of life would shatter their frail loveliness to fragments.

The true wife needs to be no mere poet’s dream, no artist’s picture, no ethereal lady too little for use, but a woman healthful, strong, practical , industrious, with a hand for life’s common duties, yet crowned with that beauty which a high and noble purpose gives to a soul.”

“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”  Proverbs 31:25

I will list over the next few days the qualities Miller discusses that make “an ideal wife”.  I pray they inspire us all!

A Wife’s Part: Part 1-Worthy?

The poetic charges in his book, The Family, by JR Miller often seem out of reach to me.  And yet they draw me.  I can read only a bit at a time, and though convicted by my own shortcomings, I am yet spurred to recognize this honor and power I have as a wife and to keep determined to let God polish me as He sees fit, submitting to Him and giving all that I have to walk in obedience each day.

“It is a high honor for a woman to be chosen from among all womankind to be the wife of a good and true man.  She is lifted up to be a crowned queen.  Her husband’s manly love laid at her feet exalts her to the throne of his life.  Great power is placed in her hands.  Sacred dispositions are reposed in her keeping.  Will she wear her crown beneficently?  Will she fill her realm with beauty and with blessing?  Or will she fail in her holy trust?  Only her married life can be the answer.

A woman may well pause before she gives her hand in marriage, and inquire whether he is worthy to whom she is asked to surrender so much; whether he can bring true happiness to her life; whether he can meet the cravings of her nature for love and for companionship; whether he is worthy to be lifted to the highest place in her heart and honored as a husband should be honored.  She must ask these questions for her own sake, else the dream may fade with the bridal wreath, and she may learn, when too late, that he for whom she has left all and to whom she has given all is not worthy of the sacred trust, and has no power to fill her life with happiness, to wake her heart’s chords to touch her soul’s depths.

But the question should be turned and asked from the other side. Can she be a true wife to win who asks for her hand?  Is she worthy of the love that is laid at her feet?  Can she be a blessing to the life of him who would lift her to the throne of his heart?  Will he find in her all the beauty, all the tender loveliness, all the rich qualities of nature, all the deep sympathy and companionship, all the strengthful, uplifting love, all the sources of joy and help, which he seems now to see in her?

Surely it is proper for her to question her own soul for him while she bids him question his soul for her.”   -JR Miller

The Art of Being Beautiful

Robin is one of my dearest friends. She inspires me. She’s honest and real and she loves the people around her.  She loves making things better and people better. This post of hers struck my heart. And if it rubs you the wrong way, sorry.  It’s what I believe is truth.  I’ve seen the truth, in her life, and in the lives of other women who tune out the messages of the culture and tune in to God’s gift to us as women.

You’re only a doormat if you choose to be.  If washing dirty feet was the chosen profession for the King of the universe, how dare I think I’m above bestowing service and honor to my husband and family?  Why wouldn’t I clamor to emulate my Savior each day?

“So many times

I didn’t search out his favor I searched out my own.

I put him last when I should have put him first.

I didn’t laugh at his jokes.

I didn’t make love to him because I didn’t have time.

I didn’t make his favorite meal because it was easier to

make a quick meal for the kids.

I didn’t stay up late and listen to his dreams.

I didn’t forgive easily.

I forgot to write him letters.

I wanted him to romance me instead of me romancing him.

I didn’t make his coffee and bring it to him in bed.

I didn’t iron his clothes because I don’t iron.

I didn’t make his lunch

or make his favorite supper.

Or a thousand other things I should have done

that I’m called to do.

I forgot that my job was supposed to be all about him.”

Do yourself a favor and read all of The Art of Being Beautiful (then be sure to come back and tell me what you think!)