All’s Not Hair in Love and War

It took me 5 children to realize that I might need to say it out loud:  “You are not allowed to cut yours or anyone else’s hair”.

You must hear it from the start…

I have had hair woes my whole life. Too thin, too fine, too–not what I wanted it to be. I deal with it.

I married a man with thick, jet black hair, but several of our first girls inherited my hair. Life is still good.

Enter Mallie.

This child was born with a shock of full, fuzzy, black hair. It was comical…me, the fair-skinned blond lady holding this dark-skinned baby with…this HAIR.

I loved it from the start.  And it grew and was so thick and so long and so wavy and so…everything I had always wanted in hair.  And despite the torture of combing out tangles from this thick-maned three-year old, I loved it long (notice that was past tense).

Not braided, it had grown to her waist.

And then…

That tangle I couldn’t get out.  It came out of nowhere and so I had to do it–I cut it up almost to her chin.  I almost cried, but that would have been silly.

So we got used to her cute new haircut.

And then…

Enter Brooks–the 5-year-old that didn’t get the memo.

“She told me to”.  That was the best he could come up with.   (Didn’t Adam say that?)

So here’s the really good part…this happened on the same day I posted about teaching our children forgiveness. God does love a good, “let’s see what ya got?” doesn’t He?

Maybe I loved Mallie’s hair too much…

It’s even worse in the back.

I left it hacked up for 2 days before I could get the nerve to cut it.  And since we don’t have a sharp pair of scissors in the house, I grabbed the little red pair, the same pair Brooks used.

“I wanted hair like Avi.” I get sad every time I look at it.

A good reminder for all of us that:

Forgiveness is mandatory…no matter the mess we have to deal with.

Hair grows back.

There are consequences to our actions.

I need to remember to tell my other 5-year-olds about the hair thing.

We probably do things that leaves God shaking his head and saying, “What was she thinking?!” and He loves us anyway.

So what did I say besides “I’m so glad my son doesn’t show promise for Cosmetology”?

“Well, there’s only one thing left to do….blog about it.”

What Does a Stay-at-Home Mom Do All Day?

Quite honestly, I don’t like the term “stay-at-home mom”.  It testifies to the fact that there are moms who don’t stay at home and I wish it didn’t have to be so.

But there’s an enormous gulf now between “have to work” and “want to work”.  The gulf was a complicated build, and now we can’t even remember the “norm”, when women stayed at home because, well, there was a household to run and  important lives who depended on her, and it didn’t matter that they couldn’t afford new socks–it was her job to darn them so they didn’t have to.

No, our generation doesn’t remember because they were told another story.  They were told that women were home because they *had* to be, (not because it best served their families) and that one little word touches a rebellious chord in us and we jump on the band wagon to “save women from oppression”.  We think “stay” is a derogatory word and though all good sense said that a healthy family needs someone devoted to nurturing it, we passed up the job.

That’s not really what the post is about, but I can never just start in the middle

So now women, some of whom are entertaining the thoughts of coming back home (more and more exhausted working women are getting tired of the “have-it-all” lie and realize home comes closer to anything that offers “all”), don’t know about the art and profession of making a home and are asking, “but what do I do?”

Which strikes a veteran SAHM as comical, because she knows that tasks and opportunities alike present themselves faster than she can ever keep up.

And because readership of this blog makes up a widely-varied audience, I thought it timely to go back-to-basics for a moment and visit the question, “What does a stay-at-home mom do all day?” That is, what does a woman wishing to follow a Proverbs 31 model do?

Remember though...a list of what she “could” do is not the same as what she “should” do. Each woman is in a different season of life, some seasons allowing for greater opportunities than others.  Some are merely surviving with the basics during a busy season; others are finding time to flourish in their gifts and abilities.  But we could all study to be more efficient and become a better home-builders.

• She studies to provide at least somewhat healthy, somewhat economical meals for her family.  This can be a time-consuming job, but there are books written solely on the art of cooking and the incredible ministry found in entertaining your family and friends through the hospitality of the kitchen.  Study it!  (Another word about the ministry of hospitality soon!)  Just in the area of health alone, America is experiencing an epidemic of illness, largely from consuming so much pre-packaged food, a choice usually necessary to maintain the over-booked lives we live.

• If the Lord has given her children, she pours herself into their training, nurturing and developing.  Another full time job almost by itself.  If not, there are a myriad of “mothering” and ministering opportunities sorely in need of a servant-minded woman.

• She helps her husband.  This varies widely from home to home.  But much like an administrative assistant, she can be a “crown to her husband” instead of forcing him to hire another woman for that role.  This is where “the heart of her husband safely trusts her” as she runs a household and “he has no lack of gain”.

• She studies to keep her marriage happy.  The dearth of happy marriages–of marriages at all–is staggering.  Good marriages don’t just happen.  If they aren’t tended, they’ll wilt.

• She studies to save money, to make her home a warm, inviting place, to treat minor illnesses, to repair things, to make things, to plant things, to be busy with her hands.  Books are written–there is no end to this art.

• She engages in meaningful conversation with her children.  An often underrated, but vitally important job in their education–homeschooled or not.

• She “reaches”.  (“She reaches her hand to the needy”. Proverbs 31)  Whether this be the meeting of a physical need for the poor, or a need of a fellow believer, needs abound.  Many needs could be met in the form of an encouraging card, phone call or visit.  It’s just a suggestion, but maybe Prozac has largely filled our lack of availability to hurting women.

• She earns money.  Home industries are easier than ever to begin.  Saving money and making money are doable activities for the SAHM.

• She mentors other moms.

• She takes care of extended family members.  Nursing homes are new.

And I shall close for now, because I have lots of things to do today   Help me, each one of you, where you are, resurrect the art of homemaking.  We need homes…they’re actually pretty rare.

Mothering: Train Against the Grain

The older I get, the more I realize how “against the grain” living the Christian life is.  Against the culture’s grain, and even against the grain of my flesh.

We have to constantly weigh our own thoughts, feelings and tendencies against the wisdom of Scripture.  In truth, we must ultimately fall more in love with our Savior, and less in love with ourselves, with the approval of men, and with what the world calls happiness.

As I was reading the passage in Matthew–the most bone-chilling words in all of the Bible–this morning about the Judgement and the sign of Jesus’ “knowing” us, I was reminded so powerfully about my job to live out and to teach my children about the most important thing on earth…

SERVING.  It’s the sum total of the gospel.

But we like to think of serving in a neat little, do-able package.  Like when we do a good deed, or remember to put someone first every now and then.  But when serving crosses over into interference or inconvenience, that’s where we draw the unconscious line.

Jesus-serving is not always pretty and sparkly.  It’s grimy and it involves being used up. I think of Mother Teresa as probably the most incredible example in all of mankind of this kind of serving.

Where we “can’t afford” to serve too much, discussing our plight over a Starbucks latte, she was content to own the clothes on her back and walk everywhere she went.

Where we are just “too tired” to give anymore, she wore a weathered face that publicly shouted her willingness to give beyond exhaustion.

And I can’t help but think of motherhood as I’m so often prone to add up all the hours of sleep I’ve missed, or the lack of silence, or the raw fact that just going places in this season in life can be stressful since 5 of my children only own one of any pair of shoes. (Think of it–whining because I can’t find matching shoes!  Realistically, we could go to the thrift store once a week and buy a practically new pair for a couple of bucks.  It’s a luxury the majority of the world can’t even fathom!)

As a mother, do I delight in the “being used up” part?  When Jesus said,

“I was hungry and you fed me; sick and you visited Me; thirsty and you gave Me drink:….in as much as you did it unto the least of these, you did it unto Me.”

Do I really serve my “hungry, thirsty, sick” children as I would serve the Lord?  Am I dying to self out of love for Him or because “this is just what I have to do”?

(Sharp, stabbing pains in my heart just now.)

So first I have to get myself thinking right.  Then, it’s off to impress on these little hearts the full meaning of finding one’s life by losing it.  So when we hear those ideas that tantalize our flesh–”You need more time for *you*…Don’t burden your children with work…do what makes you happy”, let the words of our Savior drown out all the lies.

“If any man would come after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow Me.”

How Birth Contol and Catheters are Related…and Advice to a New Mother

From time to time I choose to publicly answer a reader who has emailed me with a question or thought.  The following question is, I’m sure, a universal one among couples who have approached the issue of birth control and children differently from the norm:

“I am a Christian, homeschooling mom…My husband and I have a daughter who was married to a godly young man last year. They are now expecting child #1!! Needless to say, we are all thrilled!!

Sadly, though, our world, and even our Christian world (”the church”) doesn’t always embrace children or trusting the Lord for when and how many children He wants for a couple.

What would you write to a new mother to help her know that she isn’t crazy for trusting God in this and to help her see the many blessings she can expect?”

(I’ve written extensively on this subject because it is one dear and near to my heart.  Anyone looking for more details and information I’ve written on the topic can do a search from the sidebar.)

After I thought about the things I would say, something struck me again (it has struck before)…our thinking has been so deeply affected that we don’t even realize that it is virtually insane that women even need encouragement regarding child-bearing. That’s not an insult to the mother…that’s an insult to our intelligence, having allowed a system to turn nature upside down in our minds.

What I mean is, the reproduction process works (usually) just like any other bodily function.  It’s natural, it’s normal, it’s built-in. Our ability to tamper with it shouldn’t change that.  Can you think of any other physiological process that requires “encouragement”?

Imagine a new trend…people found out that they could get a lot more work done if they got a catheter.  Think of it, you could go for hours without the need to stop and go to the restroom.  At first people are hesitant, but after a while it catches on.  Then one day somebody gets the idea that they don’t want to use a catheter–they found it caused infection and just doesn’t seem normal.  Problem:  the “norm” has been changed.  And now, if you don’t have a catheter, you’re weird.  So, authors start writing books, blogs and articles about how it’s “OK” to go catheterless.  And despite all the encouragement, those catheterless people will continue to receive criticism simply for not interfering with nature.  If you ask me, that’s insane.  Should people be allowed to get catheters if they want them? SURE!  But should that be the norm?

You’re smirking at my example.  And yet, it’s entirely comparable to the birth control issue with one difference:  there is a lot more at stake…namely, living people.

What would I say to a young, new mother?

1. Keep your eyes on Him who gives life.  Ridicule will come–be sure of it. If the Lord has shown you that “it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves”, you can get it settled in your heart that every child born into your home is a good gift and then set your face like flint to the Son.  If He blesses you with many children, pray that it will be an instrument through which you can glorify Him as you become “set apart” in a culture hostile to life.
2. Research all the health benefits from having babies, avoiding birth control, ovulating less and breastfeeding.  Every bit of research I have done about health-related issues has only confirmed God’s design for our bodies.
3. Keep far-sighted vision.  We have to train ourselves in this society to look past today.  In an instant-gratification kind of culture, it is harder and harder to invest our time and energy into things that can take years to see the final product of our labors.  Keeping our eyes focused on heavenly things–the immortal souls of our children–provides the needed stamina to keep at a job that may seem never-ending.
4. Stay mission-minded.  Motherhood is a natural calling a woman can embrace with full confidence that this is God’s will for her life.  It doesn’t require a plan on our part, a decision we have to make or second-guess. It’s usually the natural result of  marital love.  And if and when it comes, it is our mission field.  Think of it as such.  No missionary ever used the ease or hardship of his circumstance as a measure of God’s will in his ministry.  Nor should we.  The Christian life doesn’t promise anything beyond basic needs regarding our physical realm.  Consider arguments like “affordability”:  If God said he would take care of His own, emphasizing with the statement, “O ye of little faith”, we mock Him to assume we need to take control out of His hands.  ”His own” includes our children, since He, in fact, is the author of life.

As I’ve said many times before, I don’t think it’s necessary to rule out any and every consideration of a couple limiting their family size for extreme reasons.  I don’t claim a dogmatic belief.  What I do believe with all my heart is that our starting point should be the same as that of Scripture.  There is no evidence, whatsoever, that God is for our refusing the blessing of children “just because”, for controlling life and altering normally-functioning body parts. Marriage, intimacy and children are the standard, normal processes. If one chooses to stop the reproduction process, let it be a personal choice.  But according to God and nature, it is the deviant action, not the expected one.

Why it’s Important for Stay-at-Home Moms to Stay Home

On the assumption that a mother wants to stay home with her children because she thinks it’s the best thing for them, the “at home” part can’t be overlooked.  (I don’t mean to state the obvious, but….)

And there are practical reasons why.

I’ve been thinking about those reasons, per a conversation I had with a woman recently who admitted that too many outside activities were having adverse effects on her children.

My top reasons to stay home as much as possible:

• There is no order in absence.  Again, seems obvious, but until we grasp the importance of this simple, one-of-our-many job descriptions, we may not see the problem with too many outside activities.  Keeping even a minimal amount of order and structure to a lived-in home is an on-going job in need of a physical presence.

• Outside activities means deadlines. Deadlines with children means “grumpy Mom”.  ’Nough said.

• Meal planning gets the oust.  The planning of meals, frugality in the kitchen and a thought to nutrition requires a significant amount of time.  Without it, we resort to carry-outs, fast food and convenience food.

• It’s cheaper.  Gas money for outings, snacks and lunches bought while finding yourself out and hungry, and the temptation to shop are all tangible reasons to cut back on going out.  Don’t believe me?  Dare yourself to keep a detailed tally of small expenses during your outings.  You may be shocked!

• Children need steady routine. If there were no other reasons, I believe this one is enough.  There is just a universal truth, though I can’t point to statistics, that children thrive in a steady environment.  They need a regular rhythm to their day.  There is safety in the expected, and though life certainly throws us surprises, we can do what we can to provide a safe, flourishing place for them to grow.

• Mom gets distracted.  Only when a mother understands the weight of her job does she fully understand the need to be focused, ready and available for the task.  Being at home better equips her for it.

Of course there are outings and activities we can’t avoid, and there are good things to do outside the home.  But I am constantly challenged to take a hard look at our daily happenings, try to balance our time and rule out activities that are causing us to be stifled instead of helping our growth.

I had met a mom once at a homeschooling fair who was very exuberant and yet expressed her feeling of always being behind, unable to keep the house in order and mentioned several discipline issues with her children that she “just didn’t understand.”  I was astonished (tempted to be jealous) of all the exciting field trips and educational opportunities she gave to her  kids.  They had been to some event every day of that week–concerts, museums, demonstrations, music lessons, etc.

And while I felt a bit inept that we weren’t able to participate in so many activities, it soon became apparent that what she was losing in the harried process was not worth the gain.

There are  plenty of distractions right here in our homes to keep us from staying the course.  May you be encouraged to make your home a constant, well-running incubator.

Helping Our Children Walk in Wisdom…Self Control

“Ponder all the life-implications of a well-controlled adult and see if he will not look back on his devoted mother with all the gratitude his life can muster and attribute to her the bulk of his earthly successes!”

Mothering became a full time job I knew I had to devote my life to when I began to look at Scripture and understand my responsibility to impart spiritual wisdom to my children.  That it was more than crayons and protecting them from germs and making sure they ate enough carrots.  It was a dividing line between what others expect and what God requires.

This “imparting of wisdom” is not just a nice parenting term to toss around; it plays itself out day by day, hour by hour, in the details of life.  Someone is daily beside our children pointing them to wisdom or foolishness, teaching them in all things, whether right or wrong.  I believe that one should be father and mother.  And if father works outside the home, the mother is given the bulk of the task of daily training.

Anyone home all day with little ones (who understands the “imparting of wisdom”) knows the enormous time and mental energy it takes to raise children.  My sister-in-law and I discussed parenting issues the other day and I thought as we talked, “it’s no wonder motherhood–24-hour motherhood–is so unpopular….it’s hard!” Do hard things.

These verses we read this morning are just one small area that spoke volumes to me about my responsibility to teach my children to walk in wisdom:

“Who is wise among you?  Let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom….For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work….But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield,  full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.  And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.”

Boy if that’s not chocked full of parenting!  After all, how does a person learn “good conversation” full of meekness and gentleness and willing to yield?  Because believe me, my children didn’t come that way.  I’m not wired that way.  It’s a daily seeking of life-changing wisdom by all of us!  Me from my Father, and my children from me.

The Lord has really been showing me lately the importance of our speech–the words we say, and especially how we say them. If you listen closely, children do what comes naturally…they use volume and intensity to get what they want. Sometimes they use threats and insults.  It’s a simple matter of a lack of self-control mingled with sinfulness.  As we point to the sin of it, God begins a work in their hearts.  In the mean time, we help them with habits that will meet that work.  Self-control is not usually common to us; it is a trait that must be learned.  (And unfortunately, a very important trait that many never learn that later has devastating consequences in their lives.)   That one trait can take years!  And mothers, we are the primary catalyst for that transformation in our children.  Sorry, we just are, as heavy as that is.

Let’s get practical…

The earlier you can start working on self-control and its practical applications the better.  Sometimes a 7 or 8 month-old infant can demonstrate anger during a diaper change and a gentle speaking to her will begin to train her to understand self-control.

Do you have a 1 or 2 year old that has begun his natural responses to not getting his way?  Does he scream or hit when another child has something he wants?  Begin to replace his natural reaction with a wise one.   (And discipline him when it becomes defiance or disobedience to your instruction.) Show him the right response, the right words, the right behavior.  Tell him “No, don’t say….if you want that cup say….”

I’m trying to work with my 3-year old, specifically on her tone of voice.  Again, it’s quite natural to raise her voice when she’s frustrated (it’s natural for me ) but by stopping her when I catch it, and simply demonstrating a more controlled response helps her to train herself to display self-control.

And, beauty of motherhood, if I’m aware of my job to teach these traits to them, I must, myself, be given to exercising self-control and gentleness.

This one thing–responding to life with self-control–could it be the very foundation of pointing our children to joy and contentment in life?  Ponder all the life-implications of a well-controlled adult and see if he will not look back on his devoted mother with all the gratitude his life can muster and attribute to her the bulk of his earthly successes!

“He who walks with the wise will become wise; but a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20