The “Kingdom Choice” of Raising Children

“The efforts which a mother makes for the improvement of her child in knowledge and virtue, are necessarily retired and unobtrusive. The world knows nothing of them; and hence the world has been slow to perceive how powerful and extensive is this secret and silent influence….the influence which is exerted upon the mind during the first eight or ten years of existence, in a great degree guides the destinies of that mind for time and eternity! And as the mother is the guardian and guide of the early years of life, from her goes the most powerful influence in the formation of the character of man.” John Abbott

When Christians stop being “Kingdom-minded”, they stop making Kingdom choices. Choices like devoting a life to raising the next generation to love God, to honor authority and to live wisely. The very church of Christ has so degraded the blessing of children (and thus minimized a mother’s work), that it is almost unthinkably ignorant. For how can we expect to pass the torch of passion and faithfulness to our Savior unless we have made it our chiefest aim to daily impress His character onto the hearts of our children?

When we understand that our whole existence is to glorify the Lord, we live each moment differently. We get about our Father’s business. We don’t measure “if we should have children” by their convenience or how many vacations it will cost me or whether I can pursue my favorite pastime or career. We don’t have children to look cute in their ball uniforms and homemade hair bows.

We fall down on our knees with the grave responsibility of stewardship over these children, these people who will either further the Kingdom or be a blight on society, based largely on our diligence to the duty of raising them.

Mothers, you must govern your home well. It is the cruelest act of motherhood that you should neglect to teach your children to obey the loving authority over them. For in doing so, you make them unable to submit to God.

Children who have not learned self-government stand to be the most wretched of all men and women, loathing you for your indulgences.

But don’t you see, it isn’t harsh! It wells up from the deepest love, the deepest desire to see our children walking in truth and evokes sheer delight to walk beside them.

When I see my children through Kingdom-eyes, their vices aren’t irritations that bug me and cause me to be angry; they are offenses that sober me and call me to the tireless and tender action of praying for, teaching and tending the garden of their souls.

My children are the very happiest when I have loved them enough to require gratitude, obedience and honor. Their little faces light up into mine when they sense my tenderest sincerity toward their character.

And then, to place my hands on their heads, kneel over them and pray…

“Father, you have blessed me with this child. Thank you that she is growing to love You, thank you that she is obedient, and I pray that she will serve you all the days of her life”….

causes a heart-smile to break across their faces, and they know–it sinks down deep and they KNOW that I am in this for life, through tears, joys and hardship. I am their advocate, and I will stop short of nothing to give “my life for yours” in these few years they are mine.

Homeschooling on Accident? Don’t Fret the Interrupted Day

I had had one of those mornings….

slow getting awake because the baby had woke several times during the night…

too many morning phone calls (I miss my caller ID!)…

spills and boo-boos galore….

a day where my “neat and tidy” routine gets ambushed a thousand ways.

Once upon a time this kind of day would make me question my whole existence as a homeschooling mother. These kinds of days have pushed many homeschoolers back into the conventional classroom.

But I have learned to stop…look closer….think…

Education is not a set of memorized facts, though facts may be a part of education.

Education is not boxed up in a classroom.

Education is whole, diverse and happens all the time.

Education is part academic and part life experience; the life part is equally important, if not more, according to Scripture. An interruption in our academic schedule does not stop our education.

My older children still did their “school work”–reading, math, grammar, etc., making good use of some travel time.

But they also learned flexibility in dealing with unexpected events in the day. They learned some background history as we listened to a Mozart CD and read the fabulous, accompanying insert about his life. (Have you seen The Classical Composers?)

They learned that my favorite thing to do in the morning is snuggle them tightly, whispering how thankful I am for the gift of their lives.

They learned to quadruple a recipe we made to take to our volunteers at the job site.

They learned patience, tying a sister’s little shoe and helping her sound out her letters.

One that I whisked away with me on a quick errand learned how the huge conveyor belt coming down the mountain near the local cement plant brings rocks from the quarry–and why we hear dynamite blasts ever so often.

She also heard Dave Ramsey’s advice to a caller and asked me, “why does he hate credit cards?” “Well, let me explain…”

My son drank in the mechanics of my father’s newly-purchased saw mill (we’re cutting our wood for our houses from all the downed trees from the storm) when we visited the site for lunch.

One picture from our read-aloud-story sparked a 10-minute explanation about beavers.

And the thank you notes written to a friend afforded a spelling lesson or two. But more than that, it caused us to pause and let gratitude wash over our busy minds.

They learned that we fall to our knees in tears and beg our Heavenly Father to intercede on behalf of our dear friend who collapsed with brain bleeding at 24-weeks pregnant.

Education happens. An interrupted schedule isn’t cause to fret; the flexibility homeschooling provides gives me cause to rejoice as I look for ways to teach my children *wholly* among the imperfections of our day.

May God grant us eyes to see.

Busy Moms “Get Real” Series, Part 5: “I Can’t Get it All Done!”

“Remember the principle of gardening: a lot of sweat and tears are required before the reward of harvest. It’s the same with mothering.”

A reader sent me an email that is not unlike many that I receive, so I decided to include an excerpt and answer it here in a post. I know we all struggle with many of the same things, so I hope to encourage you “in the trenches” (And, dear friend who sent the letter, I replied to you but the email delivery failed. I hope you don’t mind my posting your question here, the only way I could answer it, without your name, changing a few details for anonymity’s sake.)

A mother writes:

“I have 6 children – 3 who are homeschooled and 3 little ones (1 of those we do some preschool type things with, but not alot). Here is the problem I have: I can’t seem to get it done. We start school and generally just do the basics and school goes on all day long. There are lots of starts and stops to my time with the small children, but it is draining to continue on with school that long. Then, with school lasting so long, I struggle with the household chores. I’ve become very disorganized because I just don’t have the time. It hasn’t always been like this, but I am failing somewhere and I’m looking for some/any guidance. It has become overwhelming and while we want to continue homeschooling I am ready to give up.

Maybe it just comes down to too high of expectations on my part….I really feel like a failure.”

Dear Mother,

You are NOT a failure. It is important to remember that our enemy wants you to believe that. He wants you to give up, to be overwhelmed, he wants to destroy your optimism and ultimately your family. But here’s the good news: “Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world”.

AND…we have to keep revisiting our long-term vision….keep perspective. The academic advantage is only one reason why we homeschool. Imparting our family’s values and worldviews, tying bonds of fellowship, nurturing relationships, building character–there are a myriad of other reasons that should encourage us to dig our heels in. That’s our starting point. Now take a deep breath, and let’s get practical…

Almost everything I would tell you involves “simplifying”. Everyone’s life is unique and varied; but most of us could stand to simplify.

Stuff.

The more I live the more I believe this one thing is slipping from our hands as Americans, but is vital to our “success” as families. We MUST be deliberate about simplifying our lives in every way possible. Less is almost always more. The more we own, the more we do, the more we owe, the less we have left to give each other, to invest in our relationships and practical, important things like sitting around the table at night enjoying a meal together. Take inventory and look hard. Pare down, starting with clothes in your closet. Clean out drawers, under beds, pots and pans, dishes, cabinets–with every thing you purge, the lighter you will feel. Take a weekend or two and get the whole family involved. It’s much better to enjoy owning fewer things you really love than owning a passel of so-so things that demand your precious time to keep them, organize them, clean them and maintain them.

Activities.

If you’ve read my blog long, I’ll sound like a broken record. Busy moms can’t be all they need to be with too many extras. The same simplicity principle applies here. A few activities can enrich your life. Too many will suck it out of you.

Meals

Meals can become much less stressful with a little planning and forethought. The crock pot is your best friend. Find some great recipes (there are a gazillion crock pot recipe sites) and get supper started in the morning. Making double batches of meals and freezing one for a busy night is another great way to give yourself some relief. It takes virtually the same amount of time and cleaning as one meal.

Household chores

• Get as much off counter tops/tables, etc. as possible–it will be easier to clean surfaces.
• Designate “clutter patrol” about twice a day…get everyone to do a quick pick up. Very little ones can help a lot with this and even think it’s fun.
• Keep a “give it away” bag handy to toss things. As soon as it is full, put it in the car to drop off.
• Consider designating one day for thorough cleaning. We do this on Fridays because moods are more cheerful since it is “movie night”. I also only require reading on Fridays and let them off from textbook work (we “school” year ’round). This is also the night we try to have people over-extra motivation for the cleaning.
• Spray sinks and toilets with a bleach/water combination for a quick, clean feeling
• Train your children to avoid putting clean clothes into the laundry hamper. Clothes can usually be worn several days before washing, especially during the winter.
• Encourage everyone (and model it yourself) to keep clutter at bay by carrying at least one object “closer” to its destination each time you go to a different room.
• Keep baskets to catch clutter. Baskets in the living room can catch quickly-tossed toys; baskets at the entrance can hold shoes; keep baskets handy for those items that seem to be used a lot but make a mess and need to stay close.

Homeschooling

Before we even address strategies, make sure basic obedience/character issues are being addressed. If there are problems with bad attitudes or disrespect toward Mom, the school routine needs to be laid aside until these foundational problems are solved.

After that, the”secret”, I think, is laying aside pressures and expectations, honing in on YOUR family’s definition and goals for education, and working from there. Relax. Multiple research findings conclude that a “good education” is encapsulated into “being literate, numerate, and having the ability to reason”. This does not require hours of formal instruction, but rather a casual lifestyle that facilitates a constant thirst for knowledge. Good conversation with parents in tune to asking questions and probing their children to think is more than most students get in an average day.

The importance of providing enough space for creative exploration, problem-solving and hands-on learning cannot be underestimated. Small chunks of instruction–a 15-minute lesson on the concept of multiplying, telling time or a brief overview of how weather works can be far more beneficial than two hours worth of worksheets.

“Teaching” is going on all the time. Don’t become a slave to a textbook or curriculum; use them as tools, not tyrants. (I have taught 5 children to read by phonics with no formal curriculum.) Bath time, driving time, walking together, day or night–all hours of the day provide opportunities for teaching, especially teaching little ones. As they get older, self-directed study becomes more natural because their appetites for learning have been whetted.

There is much, much more on this philosophy in my ebook, Think Outside the Classroom.

Extra tips for “finding” more time:

• Don’t answer the telephone before noon. This has potential to revolutionize your life.
• Multi-task. Have a child do some of his reading to you while you feed the baby or give a bath; meal plan in the car; read to the children during breakfast or lunch…etc.
• Dictate a grocery list to a child while you drive (added spelling lesson bonus).
• Remember to delegate chores; taking the extra time to teach little ones to help keep order is well worth it. A two year old can be expected to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, put shoes where they go, pick up toys and other similar chores with occasional reminders.

Some overwhelmed moms may need a “mommy helper”. In a day where grandmothers, aunts and sisters aren’t as readily available (or willing) to help a young mother, she should not feel ashamed if she needs an extra pair of hands. If you don’t have a community of support, you may consider hiring someone to help with basic chores, running errands, etc.

More than anything, keep it in perspective. Even the busiest, most exhausting days are fleeting. Keep a clean home but don’t obsess if it isn’t like you would prefer. Teach your children to be orderly but remember they are children. Enjoy them, capitalize on the wonders of the curious years, and find as many ways as you can to simply enjoy life where you are and the children in it. Remember the principle of gardening: a lot of sweat and tears are required before the reward of harvest. It’s the same with mothering.

(And don’t forget to run barefoot in the sunshine every now and then )

Part 1:  Margins

Part 2:  Housework Again?

Part 3:  When Technology Hurts

Part 4:  Children Are More Than an Organizational Problem

Busy Moms “Get Real” Series, Part 4: Children are More Than an Organizational Problem

“While your children are little, cultivate an attitude of sacrifice. Sacrifice your peace for their fun, your clean kitchen floor for their help cracking eggs, your quiet moment for their long retelling of a dream…. Prioritize your children far and away above the other work you need to get done. They are the only part of your work that really matters.”

Margins, finding glory in the mundane, and exercising self-control over our time are all needful to busy mothers for one important reason:

We are the nurturer of souls.

The daily tasks that make up the fabric of our lives are necessary and they help us weave into our children the proper ingredients for soul-growth, but we cannot “miss the forest for the trees”, getting so preoccupied with daily routine, cleaning and organizing, that our children become just another task.

They are people…they are eternal…they are worth our lives.

“Just because we have a bunch of children does not mean that they ought to be living in a military dictatorship. Dry erase boards and chore charts are all well and good, but they do not change the fact that what you have on your hands is children, not an organizational problem.” Rachel Jankovic, Loving the Little Years

I’ve come to a simple but reluctant realization this year: mothering a large family is a full time job all by itself, and THAT’S OK. I once felt guilty about “not doing more”. Our culture is largely to blame because it treats children and motherhood like a peripheral job, not worthy of full-time focus. That’s a lie. And it is crippling to mothers who sincerely want to invest in the lives of their children but feel obligated to have some other ministry or pursuit in order to fulfill society’s expectations.

Remember that the Proverbs 31 woman had seasons? You may very well be able to juggle several pursuits, depending on your circumstances (you have older children who are more dependent and helpful…you have extended family members who help–this used to be common.) BUT, you may not, and it’s important to know that your full time job mothering the hearts and souls of your children, being a manager of your home–all of which fulfills the role of helper to your husband is enough.

“The more children you have, the more you need to be pastorally-minded. Look to each of their souls and their needs. If you are focused on the upkeep of the house and the schedule, as long as your child is not interrupting that, you don’t worry about it. If you are being a parent who is pastorally minded, you will stop whatever it is you are doing to go see how your daughter is up in her bedroom.”  -Jankovic

Some days are hard. Some days are blissful. Some days are exhausting and you need to run to the Father and beg for more grace, more strength and a fresh perspective. Jesus was a discipler of souls. They pulled Him, tugged Him, pressed in around Him and took from Him at every turn. But he never lost sight of how precious they were, and how important His job of pointing to the Father, for the sake of their souls, was. He stole away to His quiet place, not to “find Himself”, but to be renewed so He could go back and pour Himself out again.

Busy Moms “Get Real” Series, Part 2: Housework, Again?

“I’ve swept the floor three times already and it’s dirty again!”

Does this reality discourage you, make you want to walk away some days?

One of the reasons I believe many women shirk the duties of a full-time homemaker is that the idea of “doing the same mundane tasks” all day seems like drudgery. And it can be without the keen understanding of what is actually happening in our homes each day, and the powerful message we have the opportunity to preach “by the works of our hands”.

“…we NEED to understand the glory in the repetition; the glory that He is bringing about in us–in our families, when we gladly tend, gladly do it all over again!”

Most women are bothered by a disorderly home and lately I’m learning what an important trait this is in my life. Being bothered by it keeps me working at it. Created in His image, we, like Him, crave order. (The first task given to a human was to “tend the garden”–to keep order.) And after the Fall, the world set about decaying and losing order.

As image-bearers of our Creator, we were put here to daily restore order, on a small scale, in our small spaces, as a reflection of the One who is about restoring us, making order of the chaos through the continual renewing of His people. And if we aren’t keeping order in our small space, decay is inevitable. Is it any wonder, then, why Satan is constantly about the business of removing the “order-keeper” from the home and/or distracting us from this “less-than-exciting” work?

As managers of our homes, we are given the task, the privilege, to “tend the garden”. Weeds grow in gardens and they come back continually. Clean floors get dirty again, windows only shine for a little while and children need bathed over and over. And the physical order-keeping is only the beginning...tending the people there–the constant training of habits and character–is immensely large, causing us both to rejoice and to shudder at the job at hand.

But we NEED to understand the glory in the repetition; the glory that He is bringing about in us–in our families, when we gladly tend, gladly do it all over again!

A busy mom’s home is not pristine; it need not be nor can it be where it is lived in (“Where no oxen are, the crib is clean…”); but there must be a continual work toward order, toward restoring what is in a constant state of decay. And this constant work is the way it should be. Don’t be discouraged believing that the mundane is unimportant rather than embracing the privilege of being the one to whom it has been given to assist our God in restoring beauty, harmony and life into our homes, like He is doing in us.

And as we work about the day, we get to speak about this wonderful analogy to our children, to point to Him and to flesh out this lesson through every task.

As we work toward this order and find better ways to achieve it–the simple things like putting supper in the crock pot in the morning so that the transition to dinner time is smoother–our homes begin to reflect a sweetness that influence the people in it and the people that come by it.

It’s a “working out”, if you will, the order permeating US, and that work of restoration in the physical enables us to better glorify Him in all other realms of life.

It’s not just picking up Legos for the hundredth time…it’s Kingdom work, doing our part to make lovely and useful what would otherwise be decay and stagnant.

Busy Moms “Get Real” Series, Part 1-Margins

We have basically been in survival mode since the storm. And though I’ve tried to give myself room for an extended period of said mode, there comes a point where I want to do more than survive…I want to thrive!

So as I am working through some practical “back-to-basics” in our lives to help me refocus and regain some of our family routine and rhythm, I thought it may be a helpful reminder to others as well.

Creating and Maintaining Margins.

Margin is the space you leave around life’s events. It is limiting yours and your family’s activities and it is ultimately learning the important practice of saying “no”.

I believe every family’s and every mother’s “margin size” is different; but I believe most of us leave too little space. In my life, margin is one of the most fundamental necessities. Why? Because everything else is contingent on the margin in my life. Margin is really just protecting your time so the important things get done. And for me, it’s keeping my day free enough that I have time for waiting on a three-year-old to get her shoes on, rather than allowing the “tyranny of the urgent” (a marginless life) to turn me into a frustrated, barking mom.

For a mom with several small children, just a few extra things can greatly minimize her margins. Consider your season in life and give it an honest evaluation. How much are you home? If you find yourself running somewhere every day, your margins may be too small.

Some basic questions to help you assess your life-margins:

1. Do you feel rushed due to appointments, deadlines or schedules?
2. Does your husband have clean underwear?
3. Do you have time for spontaneous walks? Picnics? Conversations? Reading?
4. Do you have time to sit in the mornings, perhaps reading God’s Word or thinking through your day?
5. Do you often feel tense or easily irritated?
6. Do you say “Hurry up” a lot?
7. Do you cook most meals or order out?

We have become increasingly busy people. But there is a limit to what we can do and still have a thriving home, be thriving wives and mothers and friends. Ask the Lord to help you create healthy margins and then protect them fiercely!