Busy Moms “Get Real” Series, Part 1-Margins

We have basically been in survival mode since the storm. And though I’ve tried to give myself room for an extended period of said mode, there comes a point where I want to do more than survive…I want to thrive!

So as I am working through some practical “back-to-basics” in our lives to help me refocus and regain some of our family routine and rhythm, I thought it may be a helpful reminder to others as well.

Creating and Maintaining Margins.

Margin is the space you leave around life’s events. It is limiting yours and your family’s activities and it is ultimately learning the important practice of saying “no”.

I believe every family’s and every mother’s “margin size” is different; but I believe most of us leave too little space. In my life, margin is one of the most fundamental necessities. Why? Because everything else is contingent on the margin in my life. Margin is really just protecting your time so the important things get done. And for me, it’s keeping my day free enough that I have time for waiting on a three-year-old to get her shoes on, rather than allowing the “tyranny of the urgent” (a marginless life) to turn me into a frustrated, barking mom.

For a mom with several small children, just a few extra things can greatly minimize her margins. Consider your season in life and give it an honest evaluation. How much are you home? If you find yourself running somewhere every day, your margins may be too small.

Some basic questions to help you assess your life-margins:

1. Do you feel rushed due to appointments, deadlines or schedules?
2. Does your husband have clean underwear?
3. Do you have time for spontaneous walks? Picnics? Conversations? Reading?
4. Do you have time to sit in the mornings, perhaps reading God’s Word or thinking through your day?
5. Do you often feel tense or easily irritated?
6. Do you say “Hurry up” a lot?
7. Do you cook most meals or order out?

We have become increasingly busy people. But there is a limit to what we can do and still have a thriving home, be thriving wives and mothers and friends. Ask the Lord to help you create healthy margins and then protect them fiercely!

Teaching Love as We Walk Beside Them

Even though I’m in a hurry, I prop on my full shopping cart and motion her, with her three items in hand, to go in front of me…it’s only treating her the way I want to be treated.  But then, the hasty shuffle past me, and never a grateful glance.

A short response from someone I love…
a perceived wound…

A thousand small injustices a day have only the power we give them…will I nurse my wound, blame, wear my feelings in a vulnerable place, or will I give others the benefit of the doubt?

“As a mom, I find a hundred love-lessons like these to teach a day.”

“Who knows what that woman may be dealing with:  a terminally ill child she is hurrying back home to nurse?  Financial burdens larger than life?  An abusive husband?” I choose to ask myself.

“Love covers over an offense”.

I’m only just learning, at 38 years old, to look over offenses.  And I’m still very bad at it.  At least the thought occurs to me, and I’m praying earnestly that those thoughts would grow into more follow through.

As a mom, I find a hundred love-lessons like these to teach a day.  If we can cultivate a heart of looking over offenses in our children, imagine how we put them ahead!  Would you agree that this one character trait or flaw, whichever it is, is the source of so much violence, family turmoil and broken homes?  Think about the trail of disaster left in the wake of one of these tragedies when, who knows, had one party only had a mother walking beside him every day, spurring him to true Love, shaping a heart that is able to let an offense go, the whole chain of events may have never existed.

Left alone, the misery of self-centeredness–(for that is the vice that causes us to be quickly offended) will eat them alive.  But with careful pruning, day by day we speak into their lives…“Love keeps no record of wrongs”, and they are transformed by that truth. “Maybe your sister just needs a gentle word…”

Do I model it for them?   Do my children learn from the way I speak of others to cover offenses?  (This is a real question I’m asking myself right now as I write.)  What about my reactions to my husband or relatives?

Thinking the best of people, letting things go, covering up offenses…this is the stuff of Christian love.

Are we big enough?

On Mother-Forgivenss

While we’re on the subject of reflecting Christ to our children, and often failing at that, I pulled this post from the archives to encourage…

“There are deeply stabbing lessons of motherhood….

This one hit me in a split second.  In one instance I refused the apology. Not completely refused, but a “I’m still very upset with you and you apologize for the same thing over and over and over, and I just want to see change instead of another apol—”

Heart sank….I was spouting the very words I hoped I would never hear my Father say.  And I feel sure I will not.

Stopped mid-sentence, tears streaming down both our faces.

“No…

I’m so sorry.  I beg God to forgive me for the same things over and over and–by His grace–I will continue to forgive you over and over as long as I live.”

Relief broke across the face…relief that could only come after such a terrifying thought that Mother had “met her forgiveness quota.”

Perhaps you are encouraged.”

A Letter to Myself: The Important Motherhood Secret

Dear Kelly,

You have a highly specialized job as your children’s mother; you get the privilege of transferring, teaching, imparting and eternally shaping the lives of the people that have been given to you for just that purpose. In one sense, this is remarkable news. In another, it’s rather terrifying.

Terrifying because the transferring, teaching, imparting and eternally shaping is done primarily through the life you live.

They don’t learn what you tell them you want them to learn; they learn to become WHAT YOU ARE. *Being* is the most important thing you’ll do as a mother. Being what you want them to be, being the person you say loves Jesus, being generous to others, being a godly wife, being a kind woman, being genuine.

Or not…

You can tell them they should “be kindly affectioned” and “prefer one another”. But unless you are BEING kindly affectioned, preferring others over yourself, they will only learn to be a hypocrite.

You can tell them what a godly wife is supposed to be–the virtue, the tongue governed by kindness, the crown to her husband–but they’ll mostly grow up to be the kind of wife you are BEING.

You can tell them about God’s grace and forgiveness, how His mercy covers you because you can’t always BE what you need to be, but unless you reflect that mercy and grace in the inhaling and exhaling of a day, they will not truly learn its depth.

And this being…it is constant, with no reprieve. Which is, in fact, the heart of the matter…that you are always transferring who you are to your children and so it matters who you are–who you are becoming, far more than it matters what you mean to teach them.

So the answer? You seek Him and pursue Him hard with a reckless abandon of all else. You love Him wholly, follow Him completely and make it your only desire in life to become more and more like Him.

Then you will raise children who become what you wish for them to become.

“…for “‘In him we live and move and have our being;” Acts 17:28

Living Life With Children

There is wonder, awe and plain cuteness in little children. There is unbridled curiosity and a wise one will follow it without restraint. And there is fullness of living in what they teach us and what we teach them.

I love living life, soaking up moments and getting my feet wet in the puddles of daily life. It’s so easy to miss…so much competes for our attention and time. Most of our days are ordinary, aren’t they? I’m not talking about the poetic life-is-gumdrops-and-lollipops kind of living that pretends the floor isn’t sticky and the noses aren’t messy.

Living life…the real life. That’s what we miss so easily yet the ordinary moments are what, added together, make up a lifetime.

I was sanding a door yesterday–an old french door we bought dirt cheap for our screened-in porch on our new house. Mallie (5) wanted to help. The great thing about distressing stuff that’s already distressed is that the little ones can’t mess it up; they are perfect for the job. I love these projects where I can hand ‘em a brush and see their faces light up.

So she pulled up a stool and we sanded and painted and stained and rubbed the wood with a rag. Turning something old into something usable again. (Will she remember the lessons of being resourceful?)  And we talked. Not really about anything important, but I listened, and watched her face contort when she got to the “important” parts. And I got to say, “Isn’t it neat, Mallie, that God has blessed us so much and we get to work together to build another house? I like being with you.” And I got to see her connect another dot between her small, tangible world and the great big God that runs it all.

Side by side, living life, talking, sharing, smiling at each other. Just being here with them…I’m thankful in a thousand ways.

And even when we’re not smiling…when tempers flare and we say the things we shouldn’t. Praise God for days that don’t go well! Praise Him for the thousands of chances we have to live forgiveness! To show them that messing up doesn’t mean losing favor…that forgiveness is there again and again. No, I don’t like it either at the time but it knits the gospel into our hearts, makes us humble and reminds us of our constant need of a Savior. What could be more important?

So many lessons to learn in the ordinary. So much living to do in a day.

Do You Like Your Children?

…..”One of the reasons for not enjoying one’s children is the failure to teach them simple obedience and respect. I’ve seen children who haven’t been taught respect for their parents–I wouldn’t want to spend the day with them either. Raising obedient children is almost a lost art…and yet, it is actually quite simple! Well, the concept is simple. The tough part is making the commitment to spend the time and energy required to carry out these “simple” principles.”…..

Join me at Raising Homemakers to read the rest of “Do You Like Your Children?”