What Does a Stay-at-Home Mom Do All Day?

Quite honestly, I don’t like the term “stay-at-home mom”.  It testifies to the fact that there are moms who don’t stay at home and I wish it didn’t have to be so.

But there’s an enormous gulf now between “have to work” and “want to work”.  The gulf was a complicated build, and now we can’t even remember the “norm”, when women stayed at home because, well, there was a household to run and  important lives who depended on her, and it didn’t matter that they couldn’t afford new socks–it was her job to darn them so they didn’t have to.

No, our generation doesn’t remember because they were told another story.  They were told that women were home because they *had* to be, (not because it best served their families) and that one little word touches a rebellious chord in us and we jump on the band wagon to “save women from oppression”.  We think “stay” is a derogatory word and though all good sense said that a healthy family needs someone devoted to nurturing it, we passed up the job.

That’s not really what the post is about, but I can never just start in the middle

So now women, some of whom are entertaining the thoughts of coming back home (more and more exhausted working women are getting tired of the “have-it-all” lie and realize home comes closer to anything that offers “all”), don’t know about the art and profession of making a home and are asking, “but what do I do?”

Which strikes a veteran SAHM as comical, because she knows that tasks and opportunities alike present themselves faster than she can ever keep up.

And because readership of this blog makes up a widely-varied audience, I thought it timely to go back-to-basics for a moment and visit the question, “What does a stay-at-home mom do all day?” That is, what does a woman wishing to follow a Proverbs 31 model do?

Remember though...a list of what she “could” do is not the same as what she “should” do. Each woman is in a different season of life, some seasons allowing for greater opportunities than others.  Some are merely surviving with the basics during a busy season; others are finding time to flourish in their gifts and abilities.  But we could all study to be more efficient and become a better home-builders.

• She studies to provide at least somewhat healthy, somewhat economical meals for her family.  This can be a time-consuming job, but there are books written solely on the art of cooking and the incredible ministry found in entertaining your family and friends through the hospitality of the kitchen.  Study it!  (Another word about the ministry of hospitality soon!)  Just in the area of health alone, America is experiencing an epidemic of illness, largely from consuming so much pre-packaged food, a choice usually necessary to maintain the over-booked lives we live.

• If the Lord has given her children, she pours herself into their training, nurturing and developing.  Another full time job almost by itself.  If not, there are a myriad of “mothering” and ministering opportunities sorely in need of a servant-minded woman.

• She helps her husband.  This varies widely from home to home.  But much like an administrative assistant, she can be a “crown to her husband” instead of forcing him to hire another woman for that role.  This is where “the heart of her husband safely trusts her” as she runs a household and “he has no lack of gain”.

• She studies to keep her marriage happy.  The dearth of happy marriages–of marriages at all–is staggering.  Good marriages don’t just happen.  If they aren’t tended, they’ll wilt.

• She studies to save money, to make her home a warm, inviting place, to treat minor illnesses, to repair things, to make things, to plant things, to be busy with her hands.  Books are written–there is no end to this art.

• She engages in meaningful conversation with her children.  An often underrated, but vitally important job in their education–homeschooled or not.

• She “reaches”.  (“She reaches her hand to the needy”. Proverbs 31)  Whether this be the meeting of a physical need for the poor, or a need of a fellow believer, needs abound.  Many needs could be met in the form of an encouraging card, phone call or visit.  It’s just a suggestion, but maybe Prozac has largely filled our lack of availability to hurting women.

• She earns money.  Home industries are easier than ever to begin.  Saving money and making money are doable activities for the SAHM.

• She mentors other moms.

• She takes care of extended family members.  Nursing homes are new.

And I shall close for now, because I have lots of things to do today   Help me, each one of you, where you are, resurrect the art of homemaking.  We need homes…they’re actually pretty rare.

Why it’s Important for Stay-at-Home Moms to Stay Home

On the assumption that a mother wants to stay home with her children because she thinks it’s the best thing for them, the “at home” part can’t be overlooked.  (I don’t mean to state the obvious, but….)

And there are practical reasons why.

I’ve been thinking about those reasons, per a conversation I had with a woman recently who admitted that too many outside activities were having adverse effects on her children.

My top reasons to stay home as much as possible:

• There is no order in absence.  Again, seems obvious, but until we grasp the importance of this simple, one-of-our-many job descriptions, we may not see the problem with too many outside activities.  Keeping even a minimal amount of order and structure to a lived-in home is an on-going job in need of a physical presence.

• Outside activities means deadlines. Deadlines with children means “grumpy Mom”.  ’Nough said.

• Meal planning gets the oust.  The planning of meals, frugality in the kitchen and a thought to nutrition requires a significant amount of time.  Without it, we resort to carry-outs, fast food and convenience food.

• It’s cheaper.  Gas money for outings, snacks and lunches bought while finding yourself out and hungry, and the temptation to shop are all tangible reasons to cut back on going out.  Don’t believe me?  Dare yourself to keep a detailed tally of small expenses during your outings.  You may be shocked!

• Children need steady routine. If there were no other reasons, I believe this one is enough.  There is just a universal truth, though I can’t point to statistics, that children thrive in a steady environment.  They need a regular rhythm to their day.  There is safety in the expected, and though life certainly throws us surprises, we can do what we can to provide a safe, flourishing place for them to grow.

• Mom gets distracted.  Only when a mother understands the weight of her job does she fully understand the need to be focused, ready and available for the task.  Being at home better equips her for it.

Of course there are outings and activities we can’t avoid, and there are good things to do outside the home.  But I am constantly challenged to take a hard look at our daily happenings, try to balance our time and rule out activities that are causing us to be stifled instead of helping our growth.

I had met a mom once at a homeschooling fair who was very exuberant and yet expressed her feeling of always being behind, unable to keep the house in order and mentioned several discipline issues with her children that she “just didn’t understand.”  I was astonished (tempted to be jealous) of all the exciting field trips and educational opportunities she gave to her  kids.  They had been to some event every day of that week–concerts, museums, demonstrations, music lessons, etc.

And while I felt a bit inept that we weren’t able to participate in so many activities, it soon became apparent that what she was losing in the harried process was not worth the gain.

There are  plenty of distractions right here in our homes to keep us from staying the course.  May you be encouraged to make your home a constant, well-running incubator.

My Home Business Interview With Kevin Swanson

There is little more humbling than hearing one’s self recorded (especially when one’s self is from the South ).   Nevertheless, I was grateful to spend some time yesterday talking to Kevin Swanson on his radio program Generations With Vision, about family economics, sharing a little about our home business and how it all started.  (There was so much of I thought of later that I would have liked to talk about, but it was a very spontaneous interview.)

I think you’ll enjoy Kevin’s dynamic passion for family enterprise.

You can listen to it at Generations With Vision, if you promise to remember that my gift is writing, not speaking

A Penny Saved is MORE than a Penny Earned: Can a Mother Afford to Come Home?

(From the archives…I thought this may be a timely post about saving money!)

Most families believe that the wife and mother simply MUST work to make ends meet.  Sometimes they don’t even consider any other possibility.  In many cases, however, she works to pay for her working expenses.  AND, the money she earns is taxed; therefore, money saved is actually more than money earned.

I would love to resurrect the art of “frugal homemaking” and give women who want to be at home the hope that they can stay at home and still greatly contribute to the finances. Instead of looking at a woman’s job in light of adding income, the wise family will consider the importance of the wife’s role as the “money protector”, or steward over her husband’s income. And while certainly there are instances where this doesn’t work on paper (wife is a doctor who makes $180,000 and hubby brings in $28,000), many families would be appalled to know how much money could be saved if the wife were dedicated to guarding and wisely spending the income.

You’ve probably seen similar break-downs before, but consider, first, the added expenses of the working wife:

Clothes/dry cleaning…………………………………………………$750/year (obviously this is a random guess)

Child care for 2…………………………………………………………$8,840

Lunch……………………………………………………………………..$1,300

Convenience food and eating out(lack of time to cook)……$4,000

Gas…………………………………………………………………………$2,600
___________
$17,490

That’s just the spending part, and I’m sure there are other expenses I didn’t include. But the really staggering part is the amount of money a homemaker can save, when she is excited about the prospect of staying home. I’m not talking about a “poor me…I’m so deprived” kind of saving. I’m talking about a creative, energizing, contented saving. I will share just a few from my own experience, but the ways to exercise frugality is unlimited. The more dedicated you are, the more ways you can find to save. And of course, the benefit goes far beyond just saving money. The lessons your children learn as they watch a joyful, content wife be a good steward over what God has provided are astounding.

• Cooking from scratch is one of the biggest money-savers to implement. Not only is it cheaper and healthier, but the homemaker has a lot more time to search for bargains and save additional grocery money. (We have a “bent and dent” warehouse store where I regularly save a BUNDLE on groceries. Yesterday I bought a jumbo, 9 lb bag of Quaker Oats for $3.99. Find one in your area and use it!) And alas, let us not forget how CRUCIALLY important the family table is, where hearts and lives are knit together by good food and pleasant conversation. The American family has all but abandoned this precious gift of family dining!

• Internet savings. I can’t tell you how much I’ve saved by shopping for things on the Internet. School books, videos, magazines (all for school of course!), contacts, printer ink, clothes–you name it, you can almost always find it for a fraction of the price on-line. E-bay is a great place to look for many things. Here is my most recent Internet “frugal find”…I was so excited. We were out of checks, so I scoured the Internet for check companies. I found one that offered a first-time customer discount. After ordering with the discount, my checks were $18.00 (2 boxes). BUT, they also offered a rebate if you signed up for a “free trial” with this company. I signed up, canceled before my trial was over, and a week later received my $20 rebate in the mail! I actually made $2.00 on my purchase. Can you beat it? I order our printer ink for a fraction of what you can by it at Wal-Mart. Same thing for my contact lenses. The list goes on. The bargains are out there with just a little bit of extra time spent looking for them.

• Utilities. With more time at home, you have time to implement money-saving things like hanging out your laundry (which can be very therapeutic, by the way!)

• Homemade gifts & cards. This one is a biggie at our house. You’d be surprised at all the wonderful ideas (even for the less creative person) there are for gifts and card making. I figured one time that if I make all my cards (they can be very simple but pretty), I will save on average around $120 a year. That’s a big savings for such a simple thing. Baked goods at Christmas, simple sewing projects, easy homemade skin products, there are hundreds of ideas! (Again, the Internet is a great place to find them!)  Simple Homemade Gifts

• Home business is always an option. There are so many opportunities for a family who still needs additional income. Within reason, a wife can participate in a home business that lends extra money to the family’s finances. We make homemade skin products and it has been a wonderful family affair and helpful endeavor.  (Our ebook about how to start a skin product business.)

• Don’t forget, there is no expense for child care…but MUCH more important than that, Mom is the one raising and teaching her little ones!

The list could go on and on, but the point is that those who want to stay home but feel that they can’t, may need to take a second look at their situation. And those who do NOT want to stay at home but use the “we can’t afford it” as an excuse, I’m on to you!

As I Parent, I am Parented…and a List.

The biggest part of child training, in my opinion, is the consistency it demands.  You rarely “conquer” a habit or sin in a single session. (*See below for clarification.)  More often, it’s day after day, week after week, year after year of reminding, showing, disciplining and molding those little people.

And hasn’t God parented us the same way?  Being “a new creature” doesn’t erase our tendency toward the flesh, does it?  That’s why Scripture is full of parental instructions:

“Take every thought captive”…”…and in his law does he meditate day and night”…”…”be transformed by the renewing of your mind”…”crucify the flesh daily”…

Our training is as tedious and slow as the little ones with whom we are so easily irritated.   I imagine if God spoke audibly to me, most often I would hear, “How many times have I told you?!”

And isn’t that a beautiful thing about parenting?  How the daily sweat and tears we pour into these precious ones so closely parallels the work our Father does with us.  Do we not love Him more because the love we have for our children has caused us to identify in a small way with His love for us?

As I parent my children, I am parented.  It’s a beautiful thing.

Here are a few things I jotted down that I thought I would read to the children each day as a reminder.  But as I wrote them, I realized I need it just as much as they.  Thus, the topic of this post

• Are my rights more important than my relationships?
• If you feel like raising your voice, whisper instead.
• If we can’t love each other here, then we’re hypocrites to try to love others elsewhere.
• Are my words and my tone respectful?  Even to the smallest ones?
• A short reflection of gratitude would do a lot to change my attitude.

*When I say “You rarely “conquer” a habit or sin in a single session” it is not to imply that *we* have power over the sin itself–of course the spirit of God in us gives us the power to overcome sin. Sin and death are already conquered as it applies to the work of the cross. We are free from the law of sin, and still, we are plagued with its nature and must continue to bring our flesh into submission to the spirit.

Who is Defining Your “Important”?

This doesn’t specifically apply to courtship, as we’ve been discussing, but really it is at the heart of everything–including preparing our children for marriage.

A friend of mine relayed the message in a sermon she recently heard that encouraged me.

The pastor challenged the parents of his huge congregation to consider what they were investing in their children.

“Many of you pour your time, your money and your energy into teaching your sons how to play baseball or, fill in the blank.   You do everything you can to make sure he’s the best–but he doesn’t know Christ or a thing about what the Scriptures say about his life.”

How many parents are guilty of trying to meet the pressures of what culture says is important, giving very little thought to discipling their children?

Who is defining *successful* for us?  So many call themselves Christians, but do not regard God’s Word as the instruction manual for daily life.  What does the Bible  say about what’s important?  About parenting?  About what makes a person successful?

A true Christ-follower will take the words of Scripture and apply them to all areas of life.  Following Christ changes everything we do.  Our perspective, our goals, our methods, our decisions.

And as it applies to parenting, nothing we do even competes with our responsibility to disciple, teach the fear of the Lord, and impart Scriptural truth to our children. If we’re not doing that, we’re not being obedient to the Word of God.

I don’t want to get into theology here, but one of the most dangerous ideologies, in my opinion, in the church is the “raise your hand if you prayed the prayer” message.  “Whew, I’m glad that’s over, now I can relax”.  This is the thinking of many Christian parents.

Salvation is not a singular event that we are responsible for ensuring in our children.  Salvation belongs to the Lord.  We are only given the command to disciple them intensely.   They must be grown up in the Word with a vigilant pursuit of righteousness.   Real men and women of God don’t just appear after a prayer.  They are made through the day in, day out, hearing, seeing, breathing, living and seeking God’s Word in every area of life.  Just as Jesus daily walked beside his disciples pointing all of life back to Scripture, so must we with those He has given us to disciple.  This is our only job that matters.

So he’s good at baseball–there is nothing wrong with that.  But does he have a heart that follows hard after the things of God?  Do whatever it takes to get him there.