Chocolate, Hazelnuts, Married Life

“Does it fit under the ‘nutritional’ part of our food budget?  Dark chocolate and hazelnuts–I’m thinking ‘yes’.”

He smiled–tossed it in our shopping cart.

Our “date” this week was getting groceries together…with three little ones in tow   Those three little girls–the physical reminder of the love we’ve made…that’s romantic enough for me.

I go ahead to the car to nurse the baby before our next stop.  He loads the groceries in the trunk.

(I stick my head out of the door….)  “Oh, did you get my chocolate out?” (It’s ridiculous how much I love dark chocolate and he knows it.)

He pauses, lowers his head and eyes, holds it up with a smile.

I give him the wide-grin thumbs-up.

“Do I look like a newlywed?” He asked.

We both take a bite together–“Oh my goodness, I didn’t know how good it was going to be.” I said.  (Ridiculous, I tell you.)

“You want me to go get more?” He had a questioning tone, but not really.

My smile was returned by his and he was headed back inside the store.

I am either spoiled or loved.

Or both.

Anyway Love

Gary Thomas’ article “Anyway Love” tells of a woman whose husband had continually disappointed her with his insensitivity.  Even after she gave him books about “how to love your wife” he didn’t change.

Gary recounts what she said:

“I’ve realized this is never going to change,” she confessed. “But I love him anyway.”

Then Gary’s response:

“That last statement of Meg’s, “but I love him anyway,” is one of the most profound theological statements on marriage I’ve ever heard. Most of us base love on because, not on anyway. I love you because you’re good to me. I love you because you’re kind, because you’re considerate, because you keep the romance alive.”

He pointed to Jesus’ words about what  makes a child of God different from one who is not.  How piercing this thought was to me! I have read this verse numerous times, and I’ve never really thought about it in the context of marriage.  There is no “credit” for loving a spouse because they love us.  We only get credit when we “love anyway” a spouse who doesn’t deserve it!  Yes, unfortunately, there are times when a spouse becomes an “enemy”.  And even then, we are instructed how to live:

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that….But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.”  Luke 6:32-36

I thought of the marriage of my friend, each blaming the other for failed hopes and unfulfilled responsibilities.  “I can’t love him because he doesn’t _____.” And so they’re walking away, unwilling to “love anyway”.

Christians have been called to many hard things through history. Perhaps even harder than a “one-time choice of martyrdom” is the choice to do hard things day in and day out.

And yet, what difference it would make in our marriages…what difference it would make as a living picture of Christ’s love for us.  And if we should even suffer?  Can we believe that it’s worthy of rejoicing if we suffer for doing what is right?

Full article by Gary Thomas

The Wife I Want to Be

May I think the best of him in every circumstance,

May I laugh and sing and make our lives a dance.

May I build him up with the words I say,

May I give him reason to look forward to the day.

May I be quick to look over his mistakes,

And thank him for the efforts that he makes.

May he feel safe and know that I’m his biggest fan,

May I remember he is clay–he’s only just a man.

Let me love him the way I want to be,

Forgiving as Christ has forgiven me.

May I build my home by every word and deed,

And may love flourish from every planted seed.

Marriage: A Woman’s Helping Hand

“A woman’s helping hand smooths out all the snags and wrinkles, adds the sprinkle of sugar and spreads the butter, kisses the wound, cools the fever, nurses the hunger, and finds the missing. And somehow she manages to do all of it all at once with a baby around her legs, dishes washing, dinner cooking, laundry spinning, hair flying! “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.”

He clings to me, he is no longer alone, and I am his footstool. If we wives cannot humble our hearts to be the resting place of our husbands, we will never find ourselves bent and broken before our Lord the Christ. When God has found a place to rest his feet it is there that he is pleased to dwell and rule.” From a commenter, MML

Christian Marriage: Two Equals One With My Hand Under His Foot

Commenting on an earlier post, a reader left the monologue by Katharina from “Taming of the Shrew” whose closing lines summed up my next encouragement about marriage:

“And place your hands below your husband’s foot: In token of which duty, if he please, My hand is ready; may it do him ease.”

It may be the most nagging opposition to biblical marriage:  the idea that “woman was created to help the man”, (1 Corinthians 11:9, Genesis 2:18) and perhaps the most misunderstood one. But when we do understand it, it radically changes us and brings a powerful transformation to our marriage.

It is a thrill, not an offense, that God delighted to create me for the express purpose of completing my husband. Wives are a powerful instrument in the advancement of God’s Kingdom when they comply!

It bothers us because I think we are not “other-worldly-minded” enough.  We should be about seeking first the Kingdom of God, not the kingdom of ME.  And if we are about our Father’s business, our only concern is the instruction He has given us best suited to fulfill His plan, not whining about how we think our roles should be redefined to sound more politically correct.

The Bible uses the language of “one flesh and “joined together”.  The image is not of a family where two autonomous people live side by side.  It’s more intimate than that; it’s one mission, one force, one vision and two people completing each other to accomplish that mission.

“Be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it”.  The command to mankind remains.   There is so much more there than a population hint! It is man, oriented to the world (garden), and his wife, oriented toward him, helping him “subdue”–cultivate–their part of the earth, pursuing a life of fruitfulness in all areas–literally and figuratively speaking,

“The log is not greater than the fire; the fire burns because the log enables it.”

What does that look like practically?  It’s different for each marriage.  But wherever God has placed our husbands, he has given him a “subduing command” and that is where we are to assist him with our own unique gifts and abilities.

I am his helper. There are a million ways I can help him, from making sure he has clean underwear, to editing his State of the Union address   We are a team and he needs me.  He may need me to make phone calls, handle details of the day to free him up somewhere else, pack his lunch, save his money, call his mom, send a thank-you card, or other details.

Going beyond that, he needs me to run a household, help in training our children, prepare our home for encouraging others through hospitality, extending our family’s purpose day to day, building a godly legacy.

The part of us that balks at “promoting another’s vision” is not properly understanding our role. When we grasp that we are “one flesh”, then promoting my husband is beneficial to me!  (Think Christ and His bride.) The log is not greater than the fire; the fire burns because the log enables it.  (Sorry, I’m sitting in front of my wood stove as I write this )

Ask your husband how you can best help him.  Just the asking lets him know that you desire to unite with him in a purpose. This may be the first time such a thing has crossed your mind!  But once he knows you want to help him by making life easier and assisting him as an heir in the grace of that life, the united front strengthens and you begin to build a more powerful legacy than either of you could ever build alone.

Christian Marriage: He Can’t Read Your Mind

The most important reminder I think I received from the recent marriage seminar was:

“Your husband isn’t out to get you; he just can’t read your mind”.

Women have an uncanny way of assuming the worst and even villainizing their husbands for not being able to read minds.

Can I just be honest and give you a real-life example?  (I can’t believe I’m telling this.)  Though the reason absolutely eludes me, I have often found some sick pleasure in setting my husband up for failure so that I could claim “hurt feelings”.  What is that??!!

So Aaron and I go out for dinner.  (Let me preface this by saying we live in the country.  So if you forget something in town when you go, you just go without.)  I crave ice like a Meth-fiend craves his next fix and I happen to love Sonic’s crushed ice.  But of course, if my husband loves me, he’ll remember this and spontaneously stop to get me a cup, just to demonstrate said love.  If he doesn’t stop, I wait—calculating the time so he can’t whip back around.  Then I say in some sad tone, “You didn’t stop and get me ice”.

Can you believe I’ve done that?  I should know better having read Dr. Laura tell wives over and over, “Tell the man if you want something–he’s not a mind-reader, for crying out loud!”

Ladies, let’s just assume the best!  He loves us.  He doesn’t want to make us upset.  “Lord, grow me up.”

“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.”  Proverbs 10:12