How Birth Contol and Catheters are Related…and Advice to a New Mother

From time to time I choose to publicly answer a reader who has emailed me with a question or thought.  The following question is, I’m sure, a universal one among couples who have approached the issue of birth control and children differently from the norm:

“I am a Christian, homeschooling mom…My husband and I have a daughter who was married to a godly young man last year. They are now expecting child #1!! Needless to say, we are all thrilled!!

Sadly, though, our world, and even our Christian world (“the church”) doesn’t always embrace children or trusting the Lord for when and how many children He wants for a couple.

What would you write to a new mother to help her know that she isn’t crazy for trusting God in this and to help her see the many blessings she can expect?”

(I’ve written extensively on this subject because it is one dear and near to my heart.  Anyone looking for more details and information I’ve written on the topic can do a search from the sidebar.)

After I thought about the things I would say, something struck me again (it has struck before)…our thinking has been so deeply affected that we don’t even realize that it is virtually insane that women even need encouragement regarding child-bearing. That’s not an insult to the mother…that’s an insult to our intelligence, having allowed a system to turn nature upside down in our minds.

What I mean is, the reproduction process works (usually) just like any other bodily function.  It’s natural, it’s normal, it’s built-in. Our ability to tamper with it shouldn’t change that.  Can you think of any other physiological process that requires “encouragement”?

Imagine a new trend…people found out that they could get a lot more work done if they got a catheter.  Think of it, you could go for hours without the need to stop and go to the restroom.  At first people are hesitant, but after a while it catches on.  Then one day somebody gets the idea that they don’t want to use a catheter–they found it caused infection and just doesn’t seem normal.  Problem:  the “norm” has been changed.  And now, if you don’t have a catheter, you’re weird.  So, authors start writing books, blogs and articles about how it’s “OK” to go catheterless.  And despite all the encouragement, those catheterless people will continue to receive criticism simply for not interfering with nature.  If you ask me, that’s insane.  Should people be allowed to get catheters if they want them? SURE!  But should that be the norm?

You’re smirking at my example.  And yet, it’s entirely comparable to the birth control issue with one difference:  there is a lot more at stake…namely, living people.

What would I say to a young, new mother?

1. Keep your eyes on Him who gives life.  Ridicule will come–be sure of it. If the Lord has shown you that “it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves”, you can get it settled in your heart that every child born into your home is a good gift and then set your face like flint to the Son.  If He blesses you with many children, pray that it will be an instrument through which you can glorify Him as you become “set apart” in a culture hostile to life.
2. Research all the health benefits from having babies, avoiding birth control, ovulating less and breastfeeding.  Every bit of research I have done about health-related issues has only confirmed God’s design for our bodies.
3. Keep far-sighted vision.  We have to train ourselves in this society to look past today.  In an instant-gratification kind of culture, it is harder and harder to invest our time and energy into things that can take years to see the final product of our labors.  Keeping our eyes focused on heavenly things–the immortal souls of our children–provides the needed stamina to keep at a job that may seem never-ending.
4. Stay mission-minded.  Motherhood is a natural calling a woman can embrace with full confidence that this is God’s will for her life.  It doesn’t require a plan on our part, a decision we have to make or second-guess. It’s usually the natural result of  marital love.  And if and when it comes, it is our mission field.  Think of it as such.  No missionary ever used the ease or hardship of his circumstance as a measure of God’s will in his ministry.  Nor should we.  The Christian life doesn’t promise anything beyond basic needs regarding our physical realm.  Consider arguments like “affordability”:  If God said he would take care of His own, emphasizing with the statement, “O ye of little faith”, we mock Him to assume we need to take control out of His hands.  ”His own” includes our children, since He, in fact, is the author of life.

As I’ve said many times before, I don’t think it’s necessary to rule out any and every consideration of a couple limiting their family size for extreme reasons.  I don’t claim a dogmatic belief.  What I do believe with all my heart is that our starting point should be the same as that of Scripture.  There is no evidence, whatsoever, that God is for our refusing the blessing of children “just because”, for controlling life and altering normally-functioning body parts. Marriage, intimacy and children are the standard, normal processes. If one chooses to stop the reproduction process, let it be a personal choice.  But according to God and nature, it is the deviant action, not the expected one.

Why it’s Important for Stay-at-Home Moms to Stay Home

On the assumption that a mother wants to stay home with her children because she thinks it’s the best thing for them, the “at home” part can’t be overlooked.  (I don’t mean to state the obvious, but….)

And there are practical reasons why.

I’ve been thinking about those reasons, per a conversation I had with a woman recently who admitted that too many outside activities were having adverse effects on her children.

My top reasons to stay home as much as possible:

• There is no order in absence.  Again, seems obvious, but until we grasp the importance of this simple, one-of-our-many job descriptions, we may not see the problem with too many outside activities.  Keeping even a minimal amount of order and structure to a lived-in home is an on-going job in need of a physical presence.

• Outside activities means deadlines. Deadlines with children means “grumpy Mom”.  ’Nough said.

• Meal planning gets the oust.  The planning of meals, frugality in the kitchen and a thought to nutrition requires a significant amount of time.  Without it, we resort to carry-outs, fast food and convenience food.

• It’s cheaper.  Gas money for outings, snacks and lunches bought while finding yourself out and hungry, and the temptation to shop are all tangible reasons to cut back on going out.  Don’t believe me?  Dare yourself to keep a detailed tally of small expenses during your outings.  You may be shocked!

• Children need steady routine. If there were no other reasons, I believe this one is enough.  There is just a universal truth, though I can’t point to statistics, that children thrive in a steady environment.  They need a regular rhythm to their day.  There is safety in the expected, and though life certainly throws us surprises, we can do what we can to provide a safe, flourishing place for them to grow.

• Mom gets distracted.  Only when a mother understands the weight of her job does she fully understand the need to be focused, ready and available for the task.  Being at home better equips her for it.

Of course there are outings and activities we can’t avoid, and there are good things to do outside the home.  But I am constantly challenged to take a hard look at our daily happenings, try to balance our time and rule out activities that are causing us to be stifled instead of helping our growth.

I had met a mom once at a homeschooling fair who was very exuberant and yet expressed her feeling of always being behind, unable to keep the house in order and mentioned several discipline issues with her children that she “just didn’t understand.”  I was astonished (tempted to be jealous) of all the exciting field trips and educational opportunities she gave to her  kids.  They had been to some event every day of that week–concerts, museums, demonstrations, music lessons, etc.

And while I felt a bit inept that we weren’t able to participate in so many activities, it soon became apparent that what she was losing in the harried process was not worth the gain.

There are  plenty of distractions right here in our homes to keep us from staying the course.  May you be encouraged to make your home a constant, well-running incubator.

Helping Our Children Walk in Wisdom…Self Control

“Ponder all the life-implications of a well-controlled adult and see if he will not look back on his devoted mother with all the gratitude his life can muster and attribute to her the bulk of his earthly successes!”

Mothering became a full time job I knew I had to devote my life to when I began to look at Scripture and understand my responsibility to impart spiritual wisdom to my children.  That it was more than crayons and protecting them from germs and making sure they ate enough carrots.  It was a dividing line between what others expect and what God requires.

This “imparting of wisdom” is not just a nice parenting term to toss around; it plays itself out day by day, hour by hour, in the details of life.  Someone is daily beside our children pointing them to wisdom or foolishness, teaching them in all things, whether right or wrong.  I believe that one should be father and mother.  And if father works outside the home, the mother is given the bulk of the task of daily training.

Anyone home all day with little ones (who understands the “imparting of wisdom”) knows the enormous time and mental energy it takes to raise children.  My sister-in-law and I discussed parenting issues the other day and I thought as we talked, “it’s no wonder motherhood–24-hour motherhood–is so unpopular….it’s hard!” Do hard things.

These verses we read this morning are just one small area that spoke volumes to me about my responsibility to teach my children to walk in wisdom:

“Who is wise among you?  Let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom….For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work….But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield,  full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.  And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.”

Boy if that’s not chocked full of parenting!  After all, how does a person learn “good conversation” full of meekness and gentleness and willing to yield?  Because believe me, my children didn’t come that way.  I’m not wired that way.  It’s a daily seeking of life-changing wisdom by all of us!  Me from my Father, and my children from me.

The Lord has really been showing me lately the importance of our speech–the words we say, and especially how we say them. If you listen closely, children do what comes naturally…they use volume and intensity to get what they want. Sometimes they use threats and insults.  It’s a simple matter of a lack of self-control mingled with sinfulness.  As we point to the sin of it, God begins a work in their hearts.  In the mean time, we help them with habits that will meet that work.  Self-control is not usually common to us; it is a trait that must be learned.  (And unfortunately, a very important trait that many never learn that later has devastating consequences in their lives.)   That one trait can take years!  And mothers, we are the primary catalyst for that transformation in our children.  Sorry, we just are, as heavy as that is.

Let’s get practical…

The earlier you can start working on self-control and its practical applications the better.  Sometimes a 7 or 8 month-old infant can demonstrate anger during a diaper change and a gentle speaking to her will begin to train her to understand self-control.

Do you have a 1 or 2 year old that has begun his natural responses to not getting his way?  Does he scream or hit when another child has something he wants?  Begin to replace his natural reaction with a wise one.   (And discipline him when it becomes defiance or disobedience to your instruction.) Show him the right response, the right words, the right behavior.  Tell him “No, don’t say….if you want that cup say….”

I’m trying to work with my 3-year old, specifically on her tone of voice.  Again, it’s quite natural to raise her voice when she’s frustrated (it’s natural for me ) but by stopping her when I catch it, and simply demonstrating a more controlled response helps her to train herself to display self-control.

And, beauty of motherhood, if I’m aware of my job to teach these traits to them, I must, myself, be given to exercising self-control and gentleness.

This one thing–responding to life with self-control–could it be the very foundation of pointing our children to joy and contentment in life?  Ponder all the life-implications of a well-controlled adult and see if he will not look back on his devoted mother with all the gratitude his life can muster and attribute to her the bulk of his earthly successes!

“He who walks with the wise will become wise; but a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

Our Interview With Kevin Swanson About Home Business

There is little more humbling than hearing one’s self recorded (especially when one’s self is from the South ).   Nevertheless, I was grateful to spend some time yesterday talking to Kevin Swanson on his radio program Generations With Vision, about family economics, sharing a little about our home business and how it all started.  (There was so much of I thought of later that I would have liked to talk about, but it was a very spontaneous interview.)

I think you’ll enjoy Kevin’s dynamic passion for family enterprise.

You can listen to it at Generations With Vision, if you promise to remember that my gift is writing, not speaking

Remember Joy…

If I could be reminded of but one thing, (and the need of reminding is daily), it is that no day should be too busy or sad or trying that there is no room for joy.

And isn’t joy merely a state of mind and heart, not of circumstance?  Of course there’s the deep, internal joy that comes only from the Lord.  And there is also the joy that comes from training the mind to be grateful and to see the beauty of a day.

I want to hear past the noise and remember that the little voice calling me again will deepen quickly and soon call his own child’s name.

I want to feel the tiny hand touching me (though there are days I wish for one touchless hour) and remember that the hand will grow too soon to brush the cheek of her own child.

I laughed last night with my daughter–we played a game of “don’t wipe off my kisses” as she sat in my lap.  The laughter grows the soul and I think she will remember that she liked it here.

I danced with my son standing on my feet.  It was brief and sweet, his face looking up into mine.  I hope he remembers it when I’m looking up into his.

I mess up too many times in a day though.  And for that, I try all the harder to make up a harsh word with a soft one.

Let me hug longer, love deeper, listen closer to these little people.  They are not static; but men and women in the making. I am a big part of that making.

By grace, Lord, keep my days big enough for them, and do not let me be ruled by the tyranny of the urgent.  The urgent will be gone tomorrow, but so will they.

One Crazy Lady With Her Large Family

They say that I am crazy for letting you be born,
But one look at your angel face makes crazy all the scorn.

They say we can’t afford you–that you’ll need a lot of stuff,
But your pudgy cheeks remind us that our God is big enough.

They say it’s strange–eight kids so far–and ask what’s wrong with us,
How could we know that proof of married love would cause this fuss?

God’s Word tells me He made us, so when they look at you,
I’ll tell them not to ask me why, because He made you too!

Kelly Crawford